Europe?

I had a sudden urge today, a strong one, to go to Europe. The culture, the history, the people, all so different than Asia... maybe that's why? Something to give me a change from what I'm doing now, even though I love it. I guess I'm interested in the stereotypical thing again... like the small towns, not like a London. And probably not the UK..something on the continent, of course, stereotypically France comes to mind. I just had this strong urge today...

A metaphor for my life

I was walking back home through central campus today around 10p. There was a very light rain - I felt drops but I didn't get wet - and I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt... It was overcast and a very comfortable temperature - not humid and not cold nor hot. I was coming back from having dinner with T-dawg (again another made up name). I went over the bridge, behind engineering and through the quad. I started feeling nostalgic when I was walking towards the Statler...so I decided to go inside. It was peaceful, quiet, and empty. I walked through the back of the Statler and came out by Uris. There were some people walking back on the sidewalk alongside Uris. They were all dressed up, coming from some event. I think they were staying at the Statler (I overheard some conversation). I walked toward the intersection and looked up at the sky. I couldn't see anything, I could occasionally see the raindrops falling if the light hit them right. I started thinking about how much I miss everyone... How that even though T-dawg is here and that Mysterious Man is here, I'm still really lonely. (I almost feel like crying now...not a strong feeling, but it's there.) I feel so lost right now. I don't know where I'm going to end up in life...... But I started walking again, just looking up at the sky. I got to the driveway to Rockefeller before I stopped again and looked up towards Clark. I stood with my hands behind my head and just stared in that direction. I just absorbed everything...there weren't any people around. I heard a couple of cars go by behind me. I only heard them come from my left and fade out in the distance to my right, I didn't see their lights or any visual clue that there were cars... There was only the sound of the cars, the hum of the building generators, the lamp post, the rain, my thoughts, and, as I had noticed when I was walking, the sound of my footsteps. I thought about not only this past year standing there, but also two years ago...I miss my friends from freshman year. We had so much fun with each other, and now no one has time to see each other. We never eat in groups anymore...I thought about Duck from first semester this year, where we had held hands and walked by Rockefeller and Baker. I wonder if she's happy now. The rushing of the cars going by made me think about how she came and went...How happiness rushed to me and then faded away and was lost....The people I had walked by earlier made me realize that people in my life come and go...That I lose my closest friends.....That my friends during the school year leave at the end..... That I feel lost and lonely when I don't have someone I can care for.... I feel so lonely. I had the urge to call Twin #1 then....I called her earlier tonight. I hadn't talked to her in forever. I usually don't feel lonely when I talk to her... But now I"m just so lonely and lost....I don't know what to do.... I walked back up to north with my hands behind my head most of the time... I stopped at the bridge and peered into the gorge... it would've been nice to be down there, not being seen by anybody. Standing there all I could hear was the waterfall. Again, more memories of the last two years came to me... walking back last summer and having the light always turn off when I got to it, Twin #1 falling off of the tree during our sunday lunch and having her life flash in front of Twin #2's eyes... I miss our Thanksgiving trip.... I walked across the bridge and up the hill towards appel. I stared into the trees as I walked past just like I did last year. But instead of harbouring monsters I imagined that Laura would walk out of them.... that my loneliness would end........ But towars the end the monsters came back. I walked across Rawlings Green and alongside Mews and the soccer fields...just the sky, the rain, my footsteps and I... I thought about what I was going to do.... I can't stay at Cornell.... I don't have enough money.......... my time here is seriously in jeopardy.... I don't want to leave my friends..... but what can I do? I can't live working some menial job..... I'd rather have no job and go off and have some purpose in life.... live in a monastery or temple... just to have some purpose..... and I've thought about it too..... Leave everything behind....disappear....fade into the night, like raindrops that dry on your skin..... They make an impact only to be forgotten...... I came back and played Amsterdam on the piano...really slowly.....I like it better slow...it's more nostalgic....soothing....sad....... I'm so lonely.... This is my life: a few passerbys, cars, trees, raindrops, my footsteps - a summernight walk through central campus....