What is love?

i just think these moments of noticing her in her details is always very sweet....not to forget u see sth this beautiful...no matter what hapepn in the future~~

One of my friends said this to me tonight in reference to Laura. It really made me stop a moment and think. I really am lucky to have run across a person like this (or anyone previous). Anyone is lucky to have run across a person they care about - deeply or otherwise - at some point in their lives. No matter what the outcome of meeting that person was, you had found someone special, unique. Out of the billions of people in the world, you ran across someone who, for some reason, meant more to you than all the other hundreds of thousands of people you'll see in your life time. We shouldn't worry about whether s/he cares for you in the same way or if it's only to be a friendship. None of that matters, all that matters - if you truly care - is that you are around the person and that you (please forgive my cliché-ness) cherish every moment you're with them. No matter what happens in the future. And perhaps it is this thought that will help some of us continue past - but never forget - difficult times in our lives. Perhaps it is this thought that will allow some of us to live our lives to the fullest. Perhaps.

I went to a friend's Chorale concert tonight. It premiered a - imo - very diverse and great piece of music as a finale to this year's Chorale group in which the conductor is resigning. At the end, the Tenor section leader gave a small speech recognizing the composer of the piece who was attending. After which, he began to talk about the conductor. By the end of his speech both he and the conductor were in tears. (I actually felt a little teary myself watching them). There were two grown men on stage, being watched by a couple hundred people, emotions laid bare. They were crying for how much they respected, cared for, and loved each other. Yes - loved. It was clear to me - and I'm sure to most audience members - that there was a deep bond between the two of them. Most people seem to forget that you can love without romantic interest. If someone asks you, "What do you think of when you think of 'love'?" - how would you respond? I would be guilty of saying the first thing that came to my mind - romantic love between two people in which there is attraction beyond friendship, where there is physical attraction, where there is a sense of wanting to spend long - infinite - periods of time with the person. The long-walks-on-the-beach type of love. But there is that love that exists between friends - man/man, woman/man, woman/woman - in which there is only deep caring for each other without the additional attributes of romantic love. People say "I love you," to their family members - but obviously (well 99.9% of the time) they don't have a romantic attraction. Close friends will love each other as well. In each of these cases love does not constitute romanticism, but perhaps something more? I don't know, I'll leave that up to you to decide. It's always amazing to see things that we all know in the back of our mind played out before us, giving us something to think about, and giving us an additional perspective of the world.

Has the word love lost its meaning overtime? Is it thrown around haphazardly? I may have been guilty of this at times in my past. When does deeply caring for someone turn to love? "You will know," they say - but how? Is love innate? Love is, afterall, a word made to describe a feeling. But does it do it justice? The feeling itself is so complicated, so many variables, so many different perspectives between individuals. Is love a universal concept or individual? As defined is it a conglomeration of individual interpretations of the feeling? Perhaps its safer to forget about the definition of love - any type of love. Rather, let the feeling speak for itself, don't rely on people telling you "you're too young to know what love is" or similar. Perhaps that feeling evolves as we grow older - and with it our definition. Well, I guess that's all I have to say on that.

And to end, a final thought that I will fall asleep thinking of and which sparked my friend's comment:
i can't get over her smile...even when she's barely smiling two little dimples form.....and when she smiles and tilts her head to the side (usually when she's joking about something)...:: sigh::

Catching up

I came back from Asia Night early today, disappointed that I couldn't stay and spend time with Laura and everyone else (and yes I do mean and everyone else), because I had to do research. When I was outside RPCC a mixed couple came out (guy caucasian, girl asian)...Don't ask me why, but I've tended to notice mixed couples more these days. Maybe because I see myself in them? I've always wondered what I looked like or what people thought of me when I had an asian girlfriend. Did people automatically assume I was a victim of "yellow fever"? Which I'm not). Did they just see another couple? (Hopefully another happy one...at the time). Anyways, the point of this is not that they were a mixed couple. But when they were coming out the guy said something and the girl laughed and smiled and sort of tugged his hand a little. The guy smiled momentarily, but then a split second later his face looked emotionless...or perhaps, more so to the extreme - sad. I didn't understand it at all. It wasn't even as if his smile faded into a stern expression, it seemed so sudden. A sudden and immediate jump from happy to sad (or whichever emotion/lack of emotion it was). Why would he feel that way to change expressions so quickly? The girl was still smiling and giddy as they walked by. Was everything ok between them? Did he have something on his mind? Do I change my expressions so quickly? Is it something natural? Does it show how he (or I) truly feel? But nevertheless, it was good seeing a happy couple (and stepping back a topic) - a happy mixed couple (perhaps reminding me of happier times?).

On Thursday I woke up and didn't have time to sit and think and write, but I jotted this down really quickly in notepad before I went to school so I'd at least have some record of my thoughts:

feel lonely, lost, like i had lost my last chance in this world to
attain happiness. I missed her so much, i was confused, restless - I
slept VERY restlessly. i didn't know what to do. i don't want to feel
that way if something happens. i kept telling myself (in my dream) that
i was happy for her because she was happy, but the pain sunk in still.
why did i react that way? is this one of my premonitions? i hope not..
i really hope not. i don't want to feel that way...

This was in reference to a dream I had the night before. I can't remember specifics anymore, but it had to do with Laura being with someone else, but not George. I don't know what to think...do you? I can pass it off and say "it's a result from all this stress I'm under". Which, it could be - like I said I tend to channel stress into sadness - but I don't think that's everything, not even a majority. Or perhaps I just don't want to make such a claim. I don't know.....All I know is that I care about her a lot and I wish there was more I could do for her to make her happy. I guess the fact that she doesn't notice me outside of friendship makes it more difficult....but I mean that's bound to happen. Why do I always have so much more trouble dealing with things like this than most guys? Am I too idealist and romantic? (Which I know I definitely can be at times). Am I overly sensitive? (Which, I'm a very sensitive person, but I don't get jealous...). But then again, I don't think I was feeling jealousy in my dream. My feelings weren't directed outward at anybody, but rather inward. I didn't consider the actions of others, I just considered the current state and where my position in it was. Does that constitute jealousy? I don't know. All I know is that I care for her, and that's what counts.

I had a fortune cookie today: "Your dearest dream will come true." Will it really? I can always hope and wish upon a star...(and yes, I do that).

"Alone tonight, just like the western star I'm sinking. The angels cursed me blind with straight and crooked thinking."

And feelings are becoming more clear

It's amazing. The more I look at her, trying to discern her features, her personality, the more I realize how extremely special she is. Whoever takes her hand and shows her happiness is by far the luckiest man (or at least one of the luckiest) in the world. There are two things that strike me about her the most. The first, is her hair. Typically tied up in a ponytail....I've always had a thing for ponytails. I don't know why. But it's not just that it's in a ponytail. It's the way it falls over her shoulders and back. It seems to naturally want to wave and curl in all the right places. And there's always that strand or two that falls perfectly over her face that she brushes behind her ear whenever it falls out of place. Though I think it's place is right there, hanging over her eyebrow, hiding just enough of her face to make you want to reach out and brush it back yourself to see what beauty is underneath.

What else strikes me about her is her poise. She is quite honestly the most elegant person I have ever met. From her quick little skips to catch up or get ahead, to her posture while studying, to her refined table etiquette, she is hands down the most elegant person I know - she lives up to her name (even though she says otherwise). I'm awestruck everytime I see her, you just can't miss her elegance when you're around her.

If you combine the above with her personality - which is fun-loving, wacky, and sincere - her intelligence, her diligence, her humour, her dimpled smile (which I love), her sometimes-clumsiness - you find yourself with an amazing girl. One which tugs on your heartstrings when you glance at her over dinner or while studying. One named Laura.

And in case you're confused..this is the first girl.

I wanted to write some thoughts I had today about alcohol...I don't know why but I god really sad thinking about it, it had to do with Laura and alcohol at Slope Day. I hate seeing or hearing about people get drunk...it hurts.

Ok...I guess I'll save that for when I think of it next...

Omg...maybe I'm not so sure....

So I was upstairs earlier talking with the first girl I like.....I'm still attracted to her. Maybe I'm just trying to say I'm attracted to only one girl so that my mind doesn't have to deal with swinging in the middle and can give itself a solid foundation to stand on. It certainly makes it hard to interpret one's feelings if they're constantly swinging.... But I think I'm in a state of liking two girls simultaneously... Are they both sincere? Or are they both because my mind/body/heart feels like it needs to fill in a void that was left behind? I know the first girl better than I do the second...perhaps this is why I find myself keep coming back to her? I'll give myself some time to get to know this new girl better. I mean, I've known her since last year, but not closely. Maybe if I can spend more time with her and get to know her personality better I will start being pulled closer or pushed away. Or perhaps enough time will pass and I'll realize this is all a desperate effort to fill a hole in my life and that none of it is sincere. I'll give it time. (I just wish I had more of it.)

Do I really?

I've still been trying to think about my feelings the past few days. I've seen both (ok...I think it's time I figure out a better way of differentiating) of the girls who I think I might like.....I'm definitely feeling stronger towards the new person. But...I don't know if I'm annoying her lately....I have a tendency to want to talk with someone a lot when I start getting to know them better - and it's even worse if I start to get to know them better and I start to like them. I need to stop that. What a great way to get off on the right foot, right? I was excited about eating dinner with her tonight - we usually eat after our wednesday meetings, but she went to West to eat with her roomie. Makes sense - her roomie just got back Tuesday night from a conference. It actually seems that she's not as talkative now as she was when we were working on stuff together a couple of weeks ago. Maybe this is a stressful time for her? I know it is for me...I should be working on a midterm right now. I just don't have the motivation to start it. I've been trying to write lyrics to a song lately. It's a lot harder than it seems - especially because I don't play guitar or piano so I can't test chords and such. I don't even know the melody I would like (partly because of the above). Sometimes a melody will come to my head while I'm walking between classes, but I'll forget it by the end of the day. I find the lyrics that come to my head first are always very obvious...nothing creative. Nothing poetic. Nothing meaningful. I want them to have meaning. I want them to be something special. So pretty much all I've written is crap. I'm thinking of writing a poem first, and then pulling things from that and formulating a song. I tend to do better when I write poetry. I was reviewing some of my old poems I used to write. Some of them were slap-you-over-the-head-with-a-dull-object obvious, but others, I feel had deeper meaning. (Could be writer's pride at work though.) If I could find it in me to write like that again.

And if your'e wondering, I hope I could bring a smile to your face with the picture of the bunny. I actually had the crazy idea this afternoon to go out and buy a giant bunny costume, and one day, when it's warm and people are outside lounging about between classes, wear it and walk around campus. Don't go to classes that day but just walk around campus and through random classes. Why? To see how many people I can make smile that day. Sometimes if somebody's day is going bad all they need is enough of a push to smile, just a little push. I think a giant bunny rabbit costume could do that. Maybe I can touch some people in that way. Just one day of walking around doing nothing but trying to make people smile. Maybe I'll do that.

If everyone had a bunny

I was walking down to central tonight, and I saw a bunny come bouncing towards me. It stopped at the side of the sidewalk. I stopped too, not wanting to scare it off, and stood there and watched it. It just sat there, sniffing, tweaking its ears from side to side, it seemed pretty nervous (though I guess you would be too if a 186cm guy was standing over you and you're less than 30cm tall...(ears not included)). Anyways, I like stopping and watching wildlife from time to time, but I eventually had to start moving on, but I couldn't help smiling a little at having seen a bunny rabbit - I mean it's cute! Now, here's the amazing thing. As I started to walk away some more people were walking towards my direction on the sidewalk. And when they saw the bunny rabbit they started smiling too, I don't know if they were concious of it, but I noticed a definite change in their facial expressions that hinted at a smile (no matter how much they tried to hold it in). Seeing other people at the sight of a bunny rabbit just made me smile a whole lot more and I was beaming as I walked past the libraries. It's amazing isn't it? A single, little bunny rabbit can make so many people smile. It's the bearer of happiness. It's amazing how much power one little creature can have. Anyways, I felt like I should share this little insight. If you're ever sad, look at a picture of a bunny rabbit (if a real one is unavailable). I mean really look at it - I bet you can't help but to smile.



.....On a more "practical" note - we should save some money and just deploy a brigade of bunny rabbits in Iraq - people will stop fighting from the cuteness. Save a lot of lives that's for sure. And if we deploy the Bunny Brigade in Japan, South Korea, North Korea, and China simultaneously I think we'd have quite the peaceful East Asia! Just a trivial thought.

Becoming more sure....

Last night I went to eCsTASy - it was awesome. Great job people! The skit was hilarious (go Yahoooo! Kiosk!!), the fashion show had all sorts of outfits that I had never seen before, the video was super funny, the Wu Shu performance was super cool, and the ribbon dance was sooo pretty!

But what was prettier was a person who participated in all of the above. I'm becoming more sure of my feelings now. I'm feeling that more and more the previous girl was a result of similarities between her and the other. But this new person, she's not like the other two. There are some minor similarities, but they're generic. I'm finding that I'm having a much better time hanging around her than I did with the othe girl also. Not to mention that we get along really well too. The only sad thing is that she'll be gone next semester...so I don't know if she'd want to get into a relationship at this point. I mean, I'm still not 100% ready myself. But, if things keep going as they have been (on all fronts), I think I might be before the end of the semester. I don't know, we'll see.

She has a really good friend who I'm becoming good friends with too (haha, I guess they sort of go hand in hand in that way). I think before I do anything I might talk to her about it. I'm not a big risk taker when it comes to things like this I guess.

Hm...I know her favorite pearl tea now, she got it when a couple of us went down to C-town after Hope Night. She works late nights in WSH on Tuesdays (I think....lol), maybe I'll find an excuse to go to central to study, and make a trip to pearl tea to get her one. (OK, maybe I'll get one for myself too ;-) ). The only thing is I don't want to seem too forward....I'm still not quite ready yet, and at the same time, I don't want to push her away.

On a side note, I felt randomly sad this evening. Perhaps I'm channelling my stress into sadness again. It wouldn't be the first time I've done it (I think I've said this before). But I think I'll probably be better when she gets back from her job and I can chat to her as I work on homework (yay! she chats while she does work!).

What's going on?

So....I think the night I lapsed...I think it might have been a reaction to a change in the state of how things were. A reaction to realizing that she had moved on and I was completely out of the picture. I've been doing ok since then, I thought it would take more time, but I've been alright. Perhaps that's what I was waiting for? Perhaps I was waiting for her to find someone else in order to let myself move on? I don't know, perhaps.

Here's the thing.....I'm more concerned that this other girl who I said I started to like, I liked because she really did remind me of the person above. I've been hanging out with someone else a lot recently, and, well I'm starting to like her....also???????? I've never liked more than one girl at once before....it feels...strange?? But the reason why I think I might've had the wrong intentions in liking the other girl is because when I hang out with her, I'll still think of this new girl...but not the other way around. I feel like I get along better with this new girl too...we have a lot in common and she's really fun to be around. I actually met this girl freshman year, and, well sort of like this other girl...she struck me when I first saw her even though I was already in a relationship at the time......I feel strange when that happens. It makes me feel bad, because I'm not devoting all of my feelings to one person...but have it split (in whatever ratio that may be). I don't like caring about someone in that way....that's why I get confused when it happens. I don't know what I'm thinking, what my heart is telling me, or let alone, why. But...for now...well, I guess I'll see how I feel in the future.....but, at least I'm not sad!

I know how I feel....

used....

....

I've been sitting here since I last posted thinking about how I feel...the times I had with her, what she used to say to me that cheered me up...read an email that was my favorite email......All of it....gone...meaningless......there's nothing left.....I can't help but feel like I was.....betrayed?...That's too strong....let down?....I gave her everything I had..........I even didn't apply for study abroad.....(not that I'd be able to go now anyways considering the financial situation, but at the time it was still feasible).....I would stay up late to keep her company online as she finished work.....I'd walk down to meet her only for a short time only to walk back up....I thought I had started moving past her.....but it's times like these that I realize I'll never really move past.....she'll always be there......and I'm afraid to try and move past....what if something happens and I get a second chance? I don't want to hurt anyone else......it's better off for me to do nothing.....but it hurts being alone.....I have friends, but I can't care for them in the same way.........I hate being alone......but I don't want to actively search for someone....if I do that it will be artificial....it won't be natural. She and I came together in the most natural way possible..........and ended abruptly....::sigH::...I don't know what to do.....Something....something hurts. I sit here and think of the past....and from time to time I feel like crying....I feel the tears wanting to come up and out, but they recede a moment later.....why am I so affected like this......why me? I hate being alone......but.....I want to be alone.......I don't want to hurt anyone.......I don't want to be hurt.........but I know that is all a part of it......but look what happened to me the last time.........................Can I honestly care for someone else as much as I did for her again? Will my feelings always be tainted? Can I ever be honest to myself about how I truly feel about someone else? Will I blow it out of proportion...will I hide it? Will I deny it exists at all? Will I ignore it? What do I do..................why me? Why me? Never be lonely....

Sticks and stones can break my bones...

and words can sometimes hurt me...

I wonder how often I'm lied to.......I always try to be honest to people, I really try hard not to lie. I want to show people who I am and not a façade. That's part of the reason why I started writing here...not only was I feeling writing privately wasn't helping me anymore, but I wanted people to see who I truly was....perhaps I'm not bold enough to tell them face to face, but if they can read it they can learn. But I don't want to hide behind a mask. But...how often do people lie to me? She definitely has a boyfriend now....and it sounds like they're really happy together - I'm happy for her, truly I am. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, I just failed at doing that...But I can't help think that I was lied to....did she really mean what she said? Did she really care as much as she said? Would it have ended so suddenly if she did? I guess I'll never know...I wonder if I want to know. It just hurts to be lied to... But by no means am I accusing her or pointing fingers...I've just been wondering. I've recently been thinking about what happened between Han and I too because of she and I..... I'm hurt so much by that.....he's happy for her with her new bf, but he made it very clear that he wasn't happy about me being with her... I lost a friend...and a girlfriend....and what did I gain? Surely I gained the experience with her, the feelings I had while with her...but if I was lied to was any of it real? That's what hurts the most... - secrets and lies.