random thought and feeling

Yesterday someone sat across from me (two chairs down) at the table I had at Oakenshields during dinner. I had seen this person in Oakenshields before and I remember thinking that they were a very hard working no-frills type of person by observing the way they quickly went through their food yet showed refinement. But it seemed to me like they were rushing through things and didn't pay attention to, or perhaps care, about what was going on around them. One of the "I-know-what-I-want-and-I'm-going-to-get-it" attitudes. In any case, this person sat across from me two chairs down (I was at a booth table). They started reading a book as they ate - I think it was for hw and not pleasure because it had a used sticker on it from the Campus store (more reason for me to think they had the above attitude). The whole time they sat there I just wanted to lean over and say, "Slow down. Take a breath, enjoy your food. Take a moment to enjoy your surroundings, to enjoy the people in your surroundings. Let yourself slow down." I wanted to say such a thing to this person, to hopefully get them to awaken from their hurried rush. Instead, in the middle of one of my hacking-up-a-lung sessions (I've been sick and coughing a lot lately) they asked me (glancing up from their book) if I was alright. Before I could fully complete my, "Yeah I'll be fine. Thank you," they had already looked down at their book. Considering the opportunity for response had been opened I still almost wanted to say, "slow down." But I held my peace not wanting to accidentally cause a confrontation (they seemed the type of person who might not take it the right way). Then as the person packed up and walked by me on their way out they asked me to take care and wished I would get better soon. Again, my, "Oh, thank you. Have a good night," was probably barely heard as they swiftly left the vicinity. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that I can't describe after that, and I don't know what it was. It sort of remained with me for the rest of the night. Was it that they had given me something but I had given nothing in return? Was it the fact of feeling lonely when you have to rely on a total stranger to sincerely wish you good health? Or was it the fact of feeling cared for when a total stranger sincerely wishes you good health? I don't know what it was, maybe it was a combination of the above (but I know some side of the loneliness factor was involved because thoughts of being lonely and not lonely went through my mind as they left). But I hope I see this person again, maybe I'll tell them to slow down and appreciate what's around them more.

I'm so miserable. I thought I might have gotten a little better over break, but no. NOT AT ALL. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, scream until I have no voice left to scream with. But I can't. I'm afraid someone would hear me.

I'm afraid someone would know it was me.

Miserable

I'm glad my roommate accidentally woke me up when he came back at 4:00am. I was having horrible dreams and was tossing and turning and just couldn't wake up. I had gone to sleep on top of my covers, not bothering to change because I was so miserable... I didn't think I'd remain this miserable. Even she's up at this hour... probably jet lag. Right before I went to sleep I had the thought of why I might be so miserable: I don't have any place safe to go home to anymore. HILC used to be that place, but I don't even feel comfortable here anymore. Don't even mention Colorado... I have nowhere to go. Nowhere that I don't have to worry about anything. I could sort of be like that over break when there was no one in HILC, but now that everyone is coming back I can't do it anymore. My dinner out with my friend yesterday meant me going to the dining hall by myself to avoid having to eat dinner with the large group... and her. Though all those sorority and fraternity people make me want to think twice about choosing to eat at Appel again this week. But that's besides the point. I just feel like I have nowhere I can be comfortable anymore. That's what my dreams are about. I'm trying to find a place where I can be peaceful and not have to think about all the things that are happening to me. But my friends keep "unintentionally" chasing me down by moving their conversations closer and closer to me and I get stuck in my room and then they finally come to my room. I desperately try to hide but I can't do anything by crouch behind the sofa (imaginary room) where they're talking... I just can't get away and it's so painful. My mind frantically searches and thinks for ways out, but it can't see any and I'm stuck in a room I don't want to be in. My face has a frown chiseled into its facade - when will it go away?

:'(

:'(

Really sad for some reason....

Soap opera

My life in the past year could be an award winning soap opera..... and it sucks. Recent events have led me to conclude that if you draw the lines between my friends, their love interests, my love interest (singular) and their previous/current attachments, you'll find yourself lost in a maze that there's no getting out of - unless you cut a thread or two (something I want to avoid). At least I know that someone cares about me more than a friend... I'm just sorry that it's not reciprocal. She's a great person (tough there are some things that make me think twice about that...) and she is pretty (but not Duck or Laura beautiful). I'm just still attached to Laura... at least I think I am. I haven't seen her since mid-October... haven't seen anyone since then (well, The Guatemalan and The Architect). I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to hang around when they get back... I see a picture of Laura and George holding hands in Gen's room (it's a group pic). But I still get such a sinking feeling when I see it. Anyways, maybe if it was at another time. Maybe if I get past Laura as the semester goes and this new girl, (who I guess needs a nickname now:) Happy, still feels that way... and if she breaks up with her bf (which I don't think she should considering what she told me - I gave her honest advice about that), then maybe... but only if I genuinely feel something. I'm not going to force anything, it wouldn't be good in the long run - in any-run.

I've been listening to final fantasy music a lot lately. It's so beautiful, they really did an amazing job composing it. It takes me away from here too, in a very soothing way. It makes me want to be in a FF world. Part of it is because the characters always have close friends and companions throughout the story - and it always comes out happy (assuming you beat the game, lol). This will sound really strange... but I'm lonely enough (and I was when I last played ffviii... which was awhile ago) that I envy the love relationship of the main characters. I just want to be cared for in that way, I want to have someone I can care for. I've slept hugging my other pillow recently so that the emptiness in my chest doesn't feel as empty. :: sigh :: But that being said, I can't just say "yes" to Happy. I don't feel anything for her... though I thought I might have BARELY started to at one point, but I realized it's just because I'm feeling lonely. It's a desperation feeling, not genuine. It's just because I want to have someone there, to hold someone close. There are several times I've almost asked some of my friends if I could just get a hug... Not to mention I would feel horrible (actually, do feel horrible) if I pulled her away from her current bf.... It's not right. Why is my life so freaking complicated.... time to make crepes.