See-you-later's

I walked in the apartment complex door and took out the folded toilet paper to blow my nose - and paused.  Scarcely forty minutes ago I had been in Kat's apartment, playing cards with Natalie, sharing their corn, and conversing between hands and Kat's Chinese studying.  As we left, I had grabbed the toilet paper in case I needed to blow my nose on Caltrain on my way to Hillsdale.  I didn't use it, but I felt the need to as I entered the apartment complex.  But I hesitated.  At that moment, it sunk in that I was leaving, not knowing when I would be coming back, that I didn't know when I'd see Kat, one of my best friends at Stanford, again.  I brought the paper up to my nose as if to blow, but I again hesitated and brought it down, staring at it.  Memories of the day went through my head, the laughs, the smiles, the "Tonight. YOU."s, the times when she gets all over me (;-), our discussions about Japan and China - I'm going to miss these so much.  Cooking dinners together and getting fro-yo late at night after Wildberry had closed (but they'd still let us in) - such fun memories that are making it so difficult to leave Stanford behind.  There are so many people I haven't had time to see, or haven't had time to properly rehash memories or make new ones.  I'll miss them all.  The next few days are going to be very difficult.  And then, I blew my nose.

But no goodbyes, only see-you-later's.

See you later, Kat.

Need to reflect

Time... never enough of it.  Someone tonight was concerned that she couldn't express what she wanted to in words.  I told her of my experience with the Buddhist priest in Japan who taught me that it is not the words that are important, but the emotions and thoughts of the person you are communicating with.  Whether she knows it or not, they were communicated quite clearly.  And yes, I'm thinking the same thing.

Sleepwalking

So tired... haven't slept more than 2.5hrs in the past 48hrs or so (at least).


And I keep sitting in the corner of the room, silent - not so much because I'm tired, but because no one comes to talk to me.  The most anyone has said to me is "you look tired" or "you should sleep."  Why am I completely ignored?  Even the sleeping people seem to get more attention than I do (others have taken pictures of them w/ this stuffed heart organ and things like that).


And she sits at the table with everyone else, not even giving me so much of a glance.

sigh...

SJEC has ended... all the students go home in less than 12 hours.  It's quite sad actually...  She'll be in SF for awhile yet though, so hopefully I'll see her a few more times until she flies home Wednesday.  I'm listening to "Halo" again... definitely the song I need to listen to right now.

Why does my timing always suck.

Breaking out

I couldn't quite place why "Halo" by Snowmobile fits my mood so well today, but it finally came to me while I was showering, playing it over and over in my head with chills running down my spine.


It starts quiet, muffled, barely squeezing through any sound.
Then another instrument, just as constrained, joins in, trying to get its message heard.
Next, strings enter subtly from the left and then the right, supporting the previous struggling instruments.
Their unison call to be heard continues until another sound seems to reach in and say "I'm here too," until the other sounds fade out and all you hear it saying is "where did you all go?"
Then all of a sudden they return, backed with the force of a distant guitar - and then another, and then another; all of them screaming, "Let me be heard! I want to tell you!  Let me out from the inside!"
And then suddenly, as if realizing their own futility, they fade away, until that one voice saying "I'm here too" finally takes its leave.


There's something inside that just wants to come out, but it recognizes its own futility and resigns itself to its current home, deep inside.

I've had a similar dream a few nights in a row now.


Various situations where she is there in front of me.  We're talking, hanging out, having fun, doing what we've been doing everyday.  But I can never make myself take the next step and just tell her my feelings or ask her.  Every time I just let her walk away.


I don't want to ruin our friendship.  And there still is that possibility she has a bf back in Japan.


But every morning I wake up and feel like I'm missing an opportunity...

Facades and Disguises

Boyfriend in Japan?  Possibly, but there are too many coincidences going on here.


Though I'm trying to focus on the bf back home part - makes it easier to handle - there's this nagging gut feeling that it's not true.


They both went to shabu-shabu (apparently independently because neither mentioned the other), she couldn't talk on the phone then and I thought I heard his voice in the background, she knew about the last-minute dumpling party while he was out at dinner (supposedly not with her, and why would he call her and only her?), she's moving to his dorm next host transition apparently because someone else has back problems (though recently she says her back has been great)...


Too many coincidences...  but for once I'm trying really hard not to think about it (not working too well).

E vs HB

One for the first.
One for the unexpected.
One for the learning.
One for the second chance.


One for the ostracization.
One for the one that got away.
One for the dashed hope.
One for the thread being cut. (thankfully from not so high of a place)
One for the bad timing.
One for the betrayal.
One for the abuse.
One for the unknown.


People say I am a good looking person.  People say that I am kind.  People say that I am nice (some people say I am too nice... which is bad?).  People assume I'm popular.


So why is it that I'm always alone?  Although I feel like the feeling was just budding, walking home today in the chillier-than-recently damp air my subconscious seemed to find the perfect song (that I hadn't heard for years) and played it in my inner stereo - Backstreet Boys' "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely".


Though in my head, the chorus was, "Is this the feeling of being lonely."


I feel like I want to talk about it... but I can't seem to make myself bring it up with anyone.  The feeling, like I said, was just budding.  But I'm pretty sure it was growing (slowly).  But the timing is (really) bad... and well, I'm not 100% sure, but it certainly seems like I'm not even a consideration.  It's something that I should be able to walk away from with minimal (no) impact, yet here I am, typing away.

Again

I saw Avatar again last night (this time IMAX-3D).  I felt the exact same things as I did the first time.  I also almost cried again.  That feeling still lingers with me even now.

What am I searching for?

Missing

I saw Avatar last night - amazing movie.  It truly defines the epic experience.  Love, action, death, rebirth - all incorporated so amazingly well that you are completely sucked into this new fantastical universe and you just don't want to leave, much like Jake Sully himself.

But somehow, in the midst of all this, it brought tears to my eyes (at least made them damp) - and it was again at that predictable moment that brings tears to my eyes in other films.  The moment of support when the protagonist receives uninhibited, willful support from others around him.  Even in an action sci-fi film such as Avatar I felt this overwhelming emotion when I watched the screen.  Every time this happens to me I think, "is this what I'm missing in life?"  But at the same time, I also wonder if it's not the support, but the opportunity to prove myself to others - or perhaps even to myself - that I am strong, capable, and not average.  And I'm not talking about at everyday things in life, but something unusual, out of the ordinary.

Perhaps its both?

Or perhaps it's a need to find something worth fighting for, worth putting my livelihood (or life) on the line.  Nothing as petty as fame or riches, something entirely out of this materialistic capitalistic world.  Something I have yet to find.

Whatever it is, it's embodied in Avatar.