A little food goes a long way

A rainy evening, a bag of groceries, and a slow walk home. Two and a half ice cream bars and a meal or two later, the resulting food coma forces one to succumb to the comforts of a black couch. The other

Ok, screw it, I can't make anything poetic out of this right now - I am just so happy. No, we're happy. That's all that counts. I knew I couldn't just let her go, that I had to hang in there and chase after her. And now, our future is wide open before us. I know we'll make it, I know we will. No guarantees, but that doesn't matter because deep down I know.

After nearly three months, the emptiness is gone.

We both miss each other. Enough said.

I look across this table and see her right in front of me. If I was a third person staring at the two of us from the side, I don't think I could help but feel that I was watching two people who want each other, but for some reason can't see that themselves and simply let that table be the rift between them.

So close, but so far

She says she needs time, and I understand and will give her all the time she needs, which is why I didn't give her a deadline when she asked for one, but I am also confused. I know that there is something else that I am not aware of that is making this harder for her... perhaps something in the past even though she says otherwise? (She was worried about not living up to my "standards." But, do standards really matter that much? If your heart carries you to someone why deny that feeling simply because of a small deviation from the "ideal"? In the end, it's the heart that matters, not the mind. The mind can be changed more easily than the heart - we can fool our minds with excuses and reasons, but not our hearts.) I am confused because if there was a continuum like this:

enemy-<-------friend-------X>-bf/gf

then we are where that x is - right before that division. In our actions, what we say to each other - in our thoughts - they all seem to push us further right. I ask her why she came down Wednesday night, why she came down last night without even telling me (and as a result, we passed by each other on the trains as I went to her place without telling her), and she says "I just wanted to see you." But why? Why does she just want to see me? I'm so happy that she wants to see me, and that miraculously Kikuna is no longer "too far". But I just can't shake this feeling that, even if she still feels in her mind unsure about what to do, her heart is sure, and it keeps pushing her back towards me. Even after getting angry at me two weeks ago and saying she didn't want to talk to me for a long long time, she tried to talk to me because it was too painful not to. Her heart makes her say "I miss you." She misses me, and I miss her. One month face-to-face, one month apart, two months together but not, yet she still feels for me and wonders what to do. She said not having the title right now gives her some breathing room. For her mind or heart? I'm reminded now of what Darlena said to me when I was debating about getting into a relationship with her in the first place, "Just do what feels good." I'm sure this cliche phrase can be pulled out of a Disney movie or something - follow your heart. Our minds get in the way sometimes. Of course, it's her mind and her heart. I understand and will wait, but I am also confused.

When I was first trying to fall asleep, it was a weird sensation of things spinning even though my eyes were shut. It was the lingering feeling of her back against my arm, her waist against my hands - so tantalizing close - but still nothing to fill the emptiness in my chest, which has yet to embrace her. Just to pull her close and hold her tightly. To look her in the eyes and to see the way she looks back at me and know that, yes, we will create a future with each other. A wonderful, long future.

今を大事にする

Above Kikuna Station gazing out over the landscape, I sat. I watched, or rather heard, her train pull out of the station and make it's journey towards 武蔵小山. I couldn't help but think about all the things she had said and done that night... "Give me a piggy back ride," "I tend to fight with the people I get close to later," the way she looked into my eyes, especially when she looked back at me, not once, but twice as she walked towards the platform. Those weren't casual glances, her eyes lingered too long. She came so suddenly. I couldn't believe it. A simple 会いたい was all that she said. She had her ticket even before I confirmed that it would be ok for her to come or not (not like I would've said no anyways). And yet, she came. I've always imagined that one day she'd surprise me by being on my doorstep when I got home from school... I guess this is as close it will get for now.

Is something there? I know there is something here.

Sometimes, things need to go wrong before you know how to fix them. They need to break, fall to pieces. No, you can't return to the past and make sure it doesn't break, but that's not what we're supposed to do. You look towards the future. Once they break, you see their individual parts and can put them back together into something different from the past - not a simple patchwork of glue and tape that will fall apart at the slightest tremor, but something stronger and more enduring. Something that can stand against the elements of life.

It can be done as long as we are willing, as long as we are willing to shut our eyes, reach out with our hands and take hold. Nothing is achieved without taking that first step, however small that first step may be. But taking that first step knowing that someone will be there in case you stumble makes it all the easier.

Eternal Flame

The spark is just that - a spark, a fleeting instant of fire and flame that brightens the world around it. But as soon as it is ignited it is self-extinguished. It is ephemeral. It is an evanescent light. But when that spark disappears, it doesn't take everything with it. Rather, it doesn't disappear at all, but evolves into something more - as it is meant to do. It evolves into something that does not come and go, but remains, burning strong throughout the night. Like the sun it can illuminate an entire world, penetrating the forest and ocean depths. Like the sun, those enraptured in its brilliance are drawn towards the center and towards each other. It is this alternative universal constant - L - that leaves its mark across time and place. It is not to be feared, but embraced. It is not ephemeral eternity nor is it eternal evanescence. It has no such boundaries. But, much like one famous cat - it can only exist when acknowledged as such.

I have more on my mind I think, but I'm too tired right now.

Someone is crying

Someone is crying out there. Their tears are salty as they run down my face. They flow as if they have no end, drenching the ground around them. As much as I want them to come, they're not my tears. Though, just the thought of not seeing her nearly brought tears to my eyes. But, she said she feels bad when she's with me because of the pain she's caused me. Yet, at the same time she says she really values my friendship. I don't want to make her feel hurt more... I won't see her if it makes her feel hurt, despite how much pain it would cause me... I've had this pain before (though albeit not as strong as this will be), no reason for me to cause her something that she doesn't need to have. But.... God, I just want to see her, at the very least. Even just thinking of not seeing her.... thinking of the two of us becoming like Daphne and I are now... that's just too painful. I even started feeling a bit sick as I got home just thinking of that...

I purposefully didn't bring an umbrella with me. I wanted to feel the rain, to be soaked by the rain, to look up at the sky and let the rain be my tears that didn't come, washing over me. Standing outside the house just staring up and letting those sad droplets fall across my face and body. Tears for all those who are crying on the inside but unable to release the pain - the rain. It was salty, just like tears should be.

Ruined

This is not at all what I wanted. Not at all not at all not at all not at all. I didn't want to make her mad, to make her feel pressured to tell me immediately. All I wanted to do was to let her know how important to me, how much it would mean to me, that she would trust me one day - it didn't have to be immediate, but just that one day, maybe she would come to feel comfortable and trust me. And that day would make me feel really happy. It doesn't matter whether we're dating or not, it's a matter of human relationships. I never said it was okay for Darlena to not want to talk to me about something. I keep hoping that one day she too will feel like she can talk to me about it - and she also knows I'm waiting for that day.

God, I never wanted things to be like this. I wasn't trying to do this at all. I didn't want her to feel forced to tell me right then and there just because. It defeats the whole purpose if it doesn't represent that she feels comfortable with me - the information itself is NOT the point, it's the trust and comfort that is behind it. The information, when given, just represents that the trust and comfort is there. That's all it is. It is simply a symbol to say that she trusts me and feels comfortable with me. But now....

I can't lose her again... not like this... I don't want to lose her as a friend...

Please trust me

Will she ever trust me?　Will I ever be able to gain her trust? It hurts so much knowing that she doesn't trust me. I have no idea where I went wrong and lost her trust if I ever had it... No idea... I want to gain her trust. I want her to trust me. Even now.

I could handle the first part... but the second? Already liking someone else? That hurts so deeply. You don't tell someone you love them just to completely move on one month later. That's not what it means to love someone. I'm so torn, so hurt. There were tears in my eyes all the way as I biked home from school - not streaming down my face, but nestled in the corners. I want to see her, I want to hang out with her, but that second part hurts me so, so much. But I'm lonely without her around - even as a friend (even that is painful to write). I have no one else to hang out with, no one else to be with - everyone is just too busy. I wonder if I'm stupid for having invested so much of myself into her even after she came back, and for still wanting to invest into a relationship - whatever kind - between us. But, I want to because I care for her. She said last night she feels bad because she gets angry around me and towards me easily. I don't take it personally because I know she isn't angry at me, and if she is it's usually something so small and probably once again totally misread that I don't let it hurt me personally. She has stress, she has no one else around who she can really express all of her frustrations to, she says I won't understand sometimes. There's a difference between understanding and agreeing (particularly when it comes to her views on Japan and Japanese society). I just want to support her however I can. I don't want to estrange her, but I don't know how I will react the next time I see her. That second part hurts so much, it cuts so deeply.

I just pray that whomever she gets together with is able to give her the things that I couldn't, and keep her happier than I was able to do. She deserves that. (geez, I'm about to cry just writing that part).

Where's someone to talk to when you need them...

Once upon a time

"Would you tell me a story?"

"Tell me a story!"

"Once upon a time, there was a frog and a unicorn..."

花見

I went up to 東中野 today to meet some friends that Tingting introduced to me last week. I ended up not seeing them - they were too busy. I instead was passed off to another guy who was very kind and nice to talk with, though at times I did feel like he was trying a bit to hard to explain the tenets of Christianity to me by explaining the four fundamental "laws of Christianity" that Bill Bright wrote at one point in his life - he's an evangelist who promotes evangelism by the way. That was a bit uncomfortable... Anyways, I had fun: I enjoyed talking to people, writing a haiku, eating 団子 etc. But despite that, I didn't feel... satisfied. Personally, emotionally, satisfied. I had long hoped that Tingting and I could walk together under the cherry blossoms. When we were together I had imagined we'd hold hands and just watch the petals flutter in the wind. I'd probably take lots of pictures of her with the flowers all around. After things ended, I still wanted to walk with her under the blossoms. It would be different, but it's still very much an experience I wanted to share with her. And now... I don't think I'll get that chance. She was busy and still wants time apart. The blossoms will fall soon, and I don't think she'll want to see me before then. Even though I've been trying not to consciously think about her, it's as if she's always there in my mind, that her presence in my mind is just felt even if not focused on. As if you know there is someone standing behind you even though you don't see them. When I do let myself to think about her - everything about her - I get a shortening of breath. Our lives are so perfectly aligned except for one little bit - a year or two out of decades to come. I really miss her. I miss her so much.