Home Sweet Home: Hella Sweet!

I'm finally back in cali - thank god!! I know I said I wasn't going to write about my daily dealings - so I'm going to try really hard to avoid it, but it's hard - I haven't been back to Cali in 4 years! I haven't seen some of my friends for longer than that!! In a way, I've come to realize I'm a little glad that I moved away from Cali...now everyone from Cali don't get all sad on me yet. By leaving Cali it set in motion some sad events: leaving my Cali friends behind (waaaaah!), getting stuck in lonely Evergreen, and not getting into Stanford (yes, I blame not living in Cali for that one - they take a huge population from Cali). But at the same time I don't think I would've grown to appreciate Cali and all of my Cali friends as much if I had stayed. I came back to Cali and I was soooooooooooooooo happy just to be here. For me it was truly a "return home". I jumped up and down the streets of San Francisco that first night - quite literally, ask Sue-ting. I feel so much more at home here and I find that I relate to people who I meet for the first time here better right off the bat. I walked through some of Stanford the other day with Will playing frisbee golf. It made me really want to come there for grad school - I truly miss Stanford....why didn't they accept me...why???? I was born in freaking Stanford Hospital!! Agh! Well, it's ok that they didn't accept me - otherwise I wouldn't have met my great group of friends at Cornell either! Nevertheless, Cali calls to me, it's always my home. And it's comforting to know that even though I really don't live here anymore I still have all my friends where I can 'live' if I need to (thanks everyone who's housed and will be housing me!).

There are some things I realize I miss about Cali much more than I previously thought. 1. The people (duh). 4-6 years is too long to go without seeing each other. Not to mention the general populace is awesome. 2. The foilage - so much better than the East, Midwest, and Mountain - and yes, I've seen them all. 3. The warm rain 4. Having a beach nearby! 5. Old bike paths/routes 6. The restaurants 7. The atmosphere of Palo Alto, Portola Valley, and definitely Saratoga 8. Definitely definitely San Francisco. The only big cities I've seen and spent time in in the past 4 years have been Denver (big?? maybe..) and New York. New York is so grungy and dirty unless you hit up the financial district. Not to mention it's so busy and I always end up leaving exhausted even if I was just relaxing the whole time. San Francisco is much more tame. I miss it's terraced hills and the cable cars (the only moving national monument). I miss Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square. I miss how quiet the city gets at only 10pm on Sunday nights. I miss the different benches you can find that look out over the Bay and the Golden Gate (so romantic late at night ;) ). Oh and I definitely miss the Golden Gate. Sigh...long live the Bay Area.

It's funny - my perception of California geography is so messed up because I didn't drive here ever. I thought Berkeley was South of SF...oops. San Diego north of LA...big oops. Lived 1hr south of SF? Try more like 30 miles....oops...(but yay!). I'm making sure I correct all of these misconstrued ideas in my mind before I leave :p.

And no, I haven't forgotten about her. At Will's I can see out over the Bay from my room. It made me think about what was not only across the Bay, but across the Ocean. In a way, it sort of made me feel close to her. I've had good dreams about us lately, nothing in particular, but I always felt happy and refreshed when I woke up from them, so I'm banking on those ^_^. I've finally gotten control of myself again. I have been acting immature at times. Even though it affected me greatly I know I should handle myself better. But anyways, I'm still hoping and I won't give up hope ^_^. That's the way to live - with hope and not worry. Sounds like some stupid cheesy religious pick-up line (hope don't fear! (see donnie darko)) but I'm sticking with it ^_^.

So now all being said and done and as the sun sets (well it already set) Cali calls me for another night of fun with friends. Did I mention I'm staying with my friend, Andrew, who I've known since we were 6 months old? I'm dead serious. Amazing huh? And we've never been to school together - different districts. Perhaps tonight we'll go ice skating with some of my Toga friends in San Jose - I'll have to run it by Andrew when he gets back from running (Harvard track/xcountry star :p). (And oh god...I just noticed that pun...how shameful). Until next time (or rather hasta la pasta!).

Second Chances

Second chances are a poor man's version of time travel. You can't go back in time to amend what you did wrong - how many times have we wished just this? So what can you do if you can't fix what you did wrong? You can have another try - a second life - and you can do things differently and amend your mistakes the second time around. But you can only do this if you have that second life - if someone gives it to you.

Why didn't I ask for a second chance? Did I think that I didn't deserve one? Did I not want to make her feel worse by asking for something that she possibly couldn't give? I feel like that's the most likely way I felt at the time. But, oh how much I want a second chance. I know things would be different - obviously. But things would be so much better. But she wants to forget me...or she wants me to forget her...but how can I? I never thought I would feel this way - never. But I do. I just can't forget that. I remember detailed cohesive events from my life 9 years ago. She means so much to me now how can I possibly forget her? Oh how I wish I could have a second chance....will you give me a second chance? Someday?

The snow of my memories...

Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight, it'll crush, hold it too loose, it'll fly.
--Unknown

Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'
--Erich Fromm

Fix Me

I just want to cry right now...I want to cry my heart out...again. I want to let it all go, to get lost in my tears and temporarily forget how painful the future will be...the painful future is what I'm afriad of. I've gotten used to the sadness in the present...sort of...but the future...that's different. Why me? Why does this happen to me? I know that things could've been different...I know for sure. Why me? Why must I be so nervous and lack confidence in the things that matter? Why can't I be a bumbling fool the rest of the time but at least be confident in myself when it counts? Why? It's so painful...memories don't disappear...especially not my memories....my mind is filled with them. I can't look at dates without thinking of a memory...I look at my chair, my computer, my pillow, my fleece blanket, my jacket...everything...full of memories...How can I forget? Even if she's trying to make me forget, how can I? I will always remember...and hope....but it's so painful. I hate being scared of the future. Just let me cry again...let me give out muffled wails into my pillow like before...in the lonely solitude of my room.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you can't replace.

...I want to be a hero...

Have you ever wanted to be a hero? Like really wanted to be a hero - not just Superman or a police man or a fire fighter or a doctor or something like that. But something where you truly stood out and sacrificed something for the sake of others. Saved someone's life - not their cat. And I'm not talking about being a lifeguard and doing your job and saving someone from the deep end. But a spontaneous act of heroism when it seems that all hope is lost. Would you act heoricly if you wouldn't receive even the slightest of recognition? Would you be a hero if you weren't recognized by others? Have you ever truly wanted to be a hero? Would you give up what you have now to be a hero? Would you be a hero if you would come out physically worse - permanently? What about cognitively? Would you be a hero if it meant you would lose what you have now? What about then?

..

I don't understand. Why am I so affected like this? At one point I even questioned my own feelings for her. I asked myself if I really cared that much about her or if I just said I did. I know I tend to be overly romantic so I thought that might have been the case...but now I know for sure that I wasn't just being overly romantic. I wouldn't be so affected one month and one day later. I miss her so much. I never realized someone could affect me so much, in such a deep way. It hurts knowing that she might hate me...she doesn't want to talk to me...I don't want to go on break and not see her before she leaves...that would be horrible...I need her to know, somehow, that I haven't forgotten her, and that I hope she won't forget me either...but right now it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me. I still haven't said "break up"...I can't...it's too hard. I believe she'll come back to me one day. I just hope that day is sooner than later, I miss you so much - more than I thought.

It's been...

One Month...:-(

Fantasy Finally

I just feel like walking...walking endlessly, never stop walking, walk until I reach someplace else, someplace other than here - someplace other than reality. I can't think - my mind always goes to one thing, one person. I'm driving myself insane. Why I can't I live in another reality, one where strife is based on some other emotion...just not this one. Why can't I be whisked away into Fantasy, some place without the present. Somewhere where my mind is at ease, where I dont' spend every waking hour wondering, thinking, hoping. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I be unique? Why do I have to be normal? Why can't I fly? Why can't I be swift? Why do I have to be me? What's so great about being me? Nothing ever seems to work out if your me. If you ever had to choose to be someone, don't pick me. I choose the short straw no matter what I do. I just need peace - not quiet, but peace. Give me peace. Let me lay back, absorb the air, the sun, the company, let me day dream of happy things. Give me peace of mind. This doesn't mean I want to forget or stop feeling - not by any means. I just want to be able to be happy and peaceful. I dont' want my stomach turning into knots anymore when my mind wanders, I don't want to think about what I had planned and can't do anymore. I should've been myself. If I was myself none of this would've happened. I would have peace of mind. Give me peace.

Just when you think...

I thought I had finally learned how to live again after Thanksgiving...boy was I wrong. For some unknown reason I was miserable yesterday, though I guess it started two evenings ago. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and even though I was trying to do things I usually enjoy, I just couldn't get myself to be happy. I talked to Megan for awhile on the phone...almost started crying again...Went to pool night with Darlena. Played a game with Matt and then another game with pairs vs. Darlena and Jennifer (Yuka was on my team). We ate at Appel after that...I guess I laughed a little, but it was only a brief escape. Pool night sort of reminded me of the HKSA vs. SSA pool tourney. Went bowling later with Jennifer and Darlena, did well, but bowling has a lot of down time so I thought about her a lot. I went bowling alone once in CO when I was sad...it was relaxing...but doesn't really help me too much I guess... Darlena came over afterwards and we talked for a few hours about what was on my mind... I guess I felt a little better after that, but it was pretty late so I was also getting tired. ::sigh:: I just don't know what's going on anymore... I guess it's because winter break is getting closer... I guess it's because it's almost been a month... five more days... :'(....::sigh::

"There are times when you realize you miss someone so much more than you thought"

I thought I was making progress and 'continuing on'...But last night I realized how much I actually miss her. Operation DEEP had an activity upstairs in RPCC and HKSA had one downstairs...there was both a literal and metaphysical wall between us... I bumped into her when I went down to get food, we stopped and said 'hi' before moving on. It was so...brief. Does she still feel something for me anymore? I miss her so much, so much more than I originally thought. I feel completely different when I'm around her - happier, more fulfilled... something like that. She's been sad today...something is wrong, something is bothering her. I don't like seeing her sad, it makes me sad too. I wish I could do something for her but I can't... I feel so helpless. It hurts even more knowing that she needs someone to help her through whatever she's feeling and that I can't be that someone. I'm here for her, I told her that. I'm always here.

You are...

Thanks to everyone who laughed their heart out last night! That was the goal! If you want to join in on the fun download the two clips below (total 20mb, at the bottom of the page that loads there will be a link that will appear, sorry about the slow speed, I'm working on getting a new server):

Part 1: popmedley1.avi
Part 2: popmedley2.avi

It's a pop-song medley that I did with Andres and Kelvin, hahahaha. We only had 3hrs to put this together! We'll never forget this one, lol.

It's taken me awhile, but I've finally been able to get myself to concentrate on being myself again. After what happened...three weeks ago :'( :'(...I couldn't be myself. I was always thinking about what happened, where things went wrong, could I have done anything differently (I've determined yes)... I wasn't able to be normal, I couldn't concentrate on (let alone do) work, I couldn't get myself to go do fun things with my friends... I was at a complete loss.

But Thanksgiving changed that. Thanksgiving was the best break of my entire life, and it helped me realize that there's room in my life to live it and think of her at the same time. I found myself goofing off and exchanging verbal blows with Alicia (like old times), baking with Megan, agreeing with Rishi on how crazy Alicia really was, and laughing when Amber went ghetto on us. And yes - I finally started to sing-a-long to my favorite songs, songs which I had been avoiding.

I was actually smiling and laughing, something I hadn't really done in the past three weeks. Surely, when there was a pause in the action I found myself thinking about her (the full day of shopping was a lot of thinking), but I was still enjoying myself. Break showed me how to be myself and still remember, reminicse, and miss the times I shared with her. I don't think of it as moving on, rather I think of it as continuing and bringing it along for the ride - as opposed to stopping and becoming "Stuck In The Moment" (in the words of U2). Even though I'm beginning to be myself again, I'm still waiting for her, hopefully one day. But until that day, I'm going to live my life, remember, and hope.

My research paper is calling me...

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T BLOG!!

It sucks your life away!! I should be working on this research paper and 20min presentation due thursday but instead I've spent my afternoon fiddling with the layout of this thing. I'll probably continue this until dinner! Oh wait - I have econ homework due tomorrow too! Aggggggh!! Ok no more typing. (Yeah right.) Oh yeah, I made it so anyone can comment so you don't have to be a member of blogger - I hate having to be a member of things to post stuff, it takes away from the fun! Hopefully I won't get spammed :P.

So I've caved...

OK - so I caved.

I used to be one of the proud few who have long resisted the urge to blog. But in recent weeks so many things have happened in my life that I need to write - and somehow just writing to myself isn't cutting it anymore. So I'm going to be daring. I'm going to write how I feel when I feel it. I may not - and most probably will not - be logical or rational at times, but that's what it's for isn't it? To be able to get it all out and look back and say, "You know, I was wrong." That's what's most important, that I learn (that we all learn) from my past actions. I'll probably say somethings that may make some people think, "What the heck is he talking about?" or "Is this really Andrew?" but that's ok. This is me, my life, and all of you watching on - hopefully partaking a little too ;-). And so with this, excuse the horrid pun, I take a new post in life as blogger. (And yes, I thought about that one carefully before writing it.) I'll see you soon.