sigh...

Everyone's upstairs having fun ... i'm downstairs... I'm just not comfortable around alcohol...they tell me to come up and just hang out...but I can't get myself to do that. I even walked up just now, held my hand as if about to knock on the door...but then turned around and came back down. As much as I want to be hanging out with friends I can't make myself go into that room when they're drinking.... Part of it, I guess, is I feel uncomfortable around alcohol. I probably got that from living with my parents: my mom doesn't drink at all and my dad drinks too much. I don't want to be like my dad....I'd prefer not to drink. Part of it is that I'm a goody-goody...I'm still not 21. My parents did such a good job that I have this big mental block in my mind that tells me that I shouldn't drink before I'm 21 (even though there are plenty of places in the world where I'd be able to drink). The last bit...I don't want to see my friends not at their best....I'm always afraid that someone may drink too much and then do or say things that they regret later...I don't want to see them like that...I wish I could be there to help them...but I'd still be really hurt to see them losing theirselves like that... I'd be hurt for them...if they could only see how they were..... Now I'm not saying that they drink to that extent (though I think a couple of them have on occasion)...but....I just don't want to risk it....(On a side note...I think she has a boyfriend now.....and I think it's the guy I thought she might start going out with...as long as she's happy then I'm happy for her.) I just feel lonely now.....taking everything into account...

I think I'm changing...but not for the better....I talk too much.....I try to hard to be funny and come out really stupid.....I tease people more....I used to never tease people....I'm becoming annoying.....I'm becoming desperate....I don't want to be these things.....why am I turning?

Lukas just said that the girl I think I'm starting to like was 'amazingly drunk' upstairs.....that's what I'm afraid of...I don't want people to hurt themselves...physically or emotionally....(or whatever you would call that type of pain....). I with I could do something for her....I hope she's ok......::sigh:: And I think there are possibly two things....one of my friends likes her (can u say another Han situation?....I want to avoid that again.....) or she likes the guy who I'm thinking of.....or both.....either way.....I don't think she notices me beyond friend....::sigh::...I just hope she's doing alright tonight....

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Just listened to this song and immediately thought of Thanksgiving. I had so much fun that break....but it was also so sad....two weeks after things ended...Andres thinks I should give her the letter I wrote....I don't want to hurt her in any way...especially with the new developments.....why do I hesitate to make a decision?
-----
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A la peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A la one big family (2nd time: A la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

Dreams.......shattered

I watched Abre Los Ojos tonight (the spanish film Vanilla Sky is based on) so I feel like talking about dreams (in a way). Do you ever have dreams of what could be? Or what you wish could be? I'm sure you do...but do you wake up and truly feel sad knowing that the odds of that happening are so slim? And I'm not talking about dreams of a big house, nice car, and a butler with a British accent...I'm talking about dreaming about something closer to you, something that means more than all that - like someone you care about. I've dreamt about her a few times...once we were in what seemed like an art room taking an art class (I actually think it was calligraphy) and everyone was speaking Mandarin (and I understood..). Another time I dreamed we got back together much like the way we got together the first time (which maybe I'll tell you one day....). I'm so happy when I first wake up from those dreams, half thinking half wishing they were true. Then I realize they aren't...and I realize that she likes someone else who likes her too...and I realize that I can't do anything to interfere with her happiness. That I can't tell her how I feel, can't make her feel guilty (or am I thinking too much of myself?). (OK, mindset just changed right now...) I feel like she's forgotten all about us....like I was a temporary diversion. She said things to me that made me so happy when we were together...but now...it feels like none of that was ever true....like she said it just to appease me at the time.....Was it true? Did she really care about me? I miss her....I still care about her....but I can't let her know...I don't want her to have a twinge in the back of her mind (again, am I thinking too much of myself?) when she's with this new guy. My only hope, my only wish, is that he treats her better than I could have. That she is happier than I made her - if I did make her happy.....

Oh, and you should watch those two movies....

I Believe...

If you forget the way, I'll be waiting
I do it for you.

So I finally saw her tonight...after four months I finally spent time with her and played mahjong, listen to her play piano, talk, and laugh. I was so happy tonight - and she said she had a lot of fun too (which made me happier). I'm a little less confused now - I know I still care for her, but now it's in a much more mature fashion. I wish I could show her how I've grown and become better...I wish I could have that second chance. One of the guys who was hanging out with us came in at one point and said some couple was back together. She was so happy for them, "Yay! I was hoping they'd get back together!" I can only hope she would say or thinks the same about us.

I still have our story and a letter I wrote for her. I also have her belt for the model I made her...I actually need to make a new one - she has a new belt now (she's on her way to black ^_^). Will I send her the letter or give her the belt? I'd really like to...but I don't want to worsen things between us - we're at least friends now (which is better than the last relationship I had...I'm not bitter...just...I guess disappointed). I don't want to hurt her...take her back to someplace she doesn't want to go.....I'll still have to think about it a long time....But anyways...I still care for her - I miss her.

Still confused....

Ok....so I'm confused....I don't know what I feel....what I think. So I haven't seen her in almost 3 months... but I think about her still from time to time...I miss what we had together (while we had it).....but....do I miss her still? Do I still feel that flutter? I haven't seen her ... I don't know.... I mean I almost cried when I saw her for that BRIEF moment.... but were those tears of missing the person you care most about or were they tears of realizing that it was finally over - case closed? I don't know....

And now here's where I get more confused.....there may be someone else.......................................She reminds me about 'the above'....so I'm a little scared.....am I starting to search for who I lost in her? Am I looking for the wrong things? Am I just searching for a way to fix being alone again? I mean.... I've started to be able to point out unique things about her that I like....and tonight....well, something happened and the very first thing that popped to my mind was "Well, it's quite fitting for you." (this in a very positive context). And yes...I'm going to stay vague.

::sigh:: I just don't know what I'm thinking.....

AND I think one of my other friends may like her already (not very positive at all though, just a hunch)....... but in which case I am not under any circumstances having a repeat of last time..... I don't want to damage another friendship....... knowingly or otherwise.

::sigh:: Why does it feel like these things always happen to me?

An Evening Alone

::sigh:: Everyone is upstairs in Ariel's room playing "modified" Mahjong (=drinking game). I'm just hanging in my room...I feel lonely when everyone else is able to go up and have fun and do crazy (hopefully nothing stupid...I don't think they will) things together. I can't get myself to go up there and see how things are like...I don't want to see any of them drunk and accidentally make a complete fool of themselves....I hate seeing people do that to themselves. :: sigh :: And why does life have to be so confusing right now? :: sigh :: I don't know what to do about it...and I don't think I'm really ready to talk about it...