Home is where the heart is

And that's not Colorado....

Came back for 1.5 days... everything is unfamiliar. With my parents living in two houses now, it's weird to go some place new... and be expected to live there. I don't even have a room in either house anymore, just guest rooms. And that's what I feel like - a guest, a stranger, someone who doesn't belong. Seeing some furniture in the new house is strange, because it makes me wonder what the other half is doing (well, it's still in the other house). And even driving to the old house... the roads are unfamiliar, I feel like I'm being driven to someplace I've never been before, seeing new sites and feeling the road take unexpected turns and dips. And inthe house...everything is different, especially with all the furniture gone. Everything is empty, all of my stuff is packed up in boxes - I don't belong. I hate it here.... I don't want to come back. If I can't fund college then... Idk... I'm NOT coming back to CO.....

There's a time for self-reflection....

I've been wanting to think about my academic year as a whole...I haven't had time...I wonder if that will change what I think...well here it goes.

I've been trying to decide if it was a 'good' year or not... The year started out on the right foot with PREPARE and meeting lots of great people...especially one in particular. There were days of frisbee and soccer, studying under the trees on Libe, watching movies in apartments - it was all so much fun. Then I started to care for someone... and one, totally unexpected summer night we found ourselves holding hands and her resting her head on my shoulder. I stayed up all night that night, just amazed that it was really happening, I saw the sunrise... well not really, sort of just saw the sky get brighter. I couldn't believe what had actually happened that night for a whole week, I was living in a dream in the best sense of the phrase. That was my happiest moment of the semester... perhaps of the year. But it was only a moment. We didn't really tell anyone until a week later...and that was the last time I ate with Han. I remember exactly where Han and I ate, the lighting, what we talked about (he wanted to drop a technical writing class and join APO). It was the first time Han and I had eaten that semester together... and the last. After that he found out that we had gotten together... and he hasn't spoken to me since.... I had tried to find out if he had liked her... I didn't want something like that to happen, I was trying so hard to avoid it. Since then I've constantly asked myself is it worth losing a friend for something like that.... I think, I think that as much happiness you get from being with someone you care about, and that even though it's the other person's choice for whom she falls for, it's not worth losing a friend. If the relationship was to last forever... and of course you never know... it would be a harder decision...... but some people don't realize how painful it is to lose a friend - your best friend - after something like that. I look back on my pictures from freshman year. I see Han and I in so many fun photos together. One photo that sticks out in my mind is the one from Holi, where I took a photo of Han and I sitting together on a ledge waiting for everyone else to get done. When I see that photo I'm reminded of the comradery we had... And the photos of us flying - we had such a good time together right before he went back to Malaysia. We had spent spring break together, eating Ramen in his room and playing ping-pong and walking around campus with Roger. We had taped everyone's doors with the A-team (of which Han became (H)An).... I found out recently that Han did tell someone that he liked her.... but that person didn't tell me because Han told her not to... I wish I had known... I could've avoided losing a friend... I'm not angry at anyone, not at the person who didn't tell me, nor at Han who said it didn't matter and not to tell me... I'm just sad that I lost a friend.... It especially hurts because when I was with her I had told myself that I was going to do everything I could to make her happy... sort of in honour of Han in a way, that I didn't want our separation to have happened for nothing. But in the end, that's what happened....

Emptiness

What's wrong with me...... I feel like I lack something.... and... I'm uncomfortable with what that is....

I feel empty...quite literally. I was lying on my bed at one point and I felt like there was a hole right in the middle of my chest, like there wasn't a weight that should've been there. I don't feel loved.

I have no one to love... no one to hold close, no one to slip their hand into mine, no one to sit across from and stare into their eyes, no one to devote myself to... no one to give me a constant in life. No one to feel their touch... just a simple touch... fingertips... Just to feel fingertips on my arm, on myhand... No one that I can embrace.. I don't necessarily need one in return, but I need to give my love... I've never felt like this before... the feeling is so strong. I'm so lonely....and hollow.

Still....Quick of heart, short of breath

We pulled an all-nighter last night. Stayed awake to give PY company for her planned all nighter. We ended up being her alarm clock...lol. Anyways, we stayed awake by playing mahjong and chinese checkers. I sat across from her in both games. Her facial expression (many of which had her sticking her tongue out at weird angles), her haird that slipped from behind here ear to lay a strand across her face, and as the night/morning wore on, her scrunched up cheeks as she rested her head on her arm or hand - they all made me wish I was closer with her....that I could sit right next to her and hold her hand and just look into her eyes. She's so pretty when she's tired...idk how, but I'm drawn to her more.

I'm f****** sick and tired of my parents. They both tell me things: some lies, some truths, but I have no way to sort out which is which. And then they each blame me for supporting the other - I guess that means I'm doing a pretty good job at being neutral. But nevertheless....I'm just absolutely fed up.

Flying In Solitude

Have you ever wanted to fly? Well, not just wanted...but truly had the urge? A couple of days ago when I was walking across the field to Appel the wind was really strong and the skys were overcast. When I was walking I just wanted to have a big gust of wind take me away...anywhere...somewhere.....take my troubles away and take me far away, never to come back to this world - almost in a way like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon at the end..... I really wanted this to happen....and not in a "that would be cool" sense, but in a "I might finally be at peace" sense... Today too, I looked at the sky - it wasn't windy - and it looked like there was a hole between the layers of clouds (again it was overcast, but darker than the first time). I wished I could just suddenly disappear through the hole in the clouds. I'd leave everything behind...just so that I can find some tranquility.... A place of perpetual tranquility......

But even there I'd miss her.....

I have so much more on my mind...but not the stamina to write now......

A conversation

C: i guess she played bowling in her elegant way right..so u miss the target becoz u were focused on her elegance?
C: no offense...just joking....what did u see/feel?
Me: well besides her elegance :)
Me: idk...i've started noticng more details..... when she smiles her right dimple appears first if she doesn't smile all the way...and she makes funny faces alot....and she looks so cute when she does it (but cute not in the little kid type of way...idk, it's somehow different)...and when she squints, like this smiley >_< i just melt
....
C: icic
C: so her image of all these keep flashing in ur mind
C: yeah i know..i mean i understand how that feels
C: wow that super happy moment..when ur eyes met hers....did u melt?
Me: idk...i still feel slightly fast paced....some from the memories...some from thinking she's still closer to george (though i'm trying not to think of that....)
....
C: um...i just think ur dream is ur fear...nothing is happening yet...like u said even if anything meant to happen it will be after the summer
Me: yeah.... i'm just scared because my other premonitions come true a lot......and it felt like one of those
C: there's a saying that u fear too much to make it true

How right she is....my coach in high school used to say believe in something and you will make it true. I respected - respect him - so much for that (among other things). I lost sight of that...I need to find it in myself again.

And now I can picture that picture in my head when I go to sleep without having to look at it....I really love that picture (and that moment when our eyes met...).

An uncomfortable dream...

There's a quick snippet of a dream I had last night that I remember. We were all sitting in the main lounge talking. George was sitting 90 degrees from me in a chair (as if we were playing Mahjong). Laura came over and casually, still talking to everyone, sat in his lap, sort of like a kid being cradled, and casually put her arms around his neck. George just took it as if it was an everyday thing and continued with the conversation as if nothing had happened. That's it. That's all I remember. I woke up this morning fearing it was one of my premonitions...so I checked facebook (and xanga). My fears are put to rest, but there is still that lingering feeling of "it truly is over now." Oh well...I'm walking down to my test with her and Oreo today - that'll be nice and will hopefully clear my uneasy feelings. I'm glad for once that a dream that could've easily been a premonition hasn't come true....yet.

She sat right across from me

On the piano bench, sitting directly infront of me, our toes practically touching because the chairs were so close. She looked so pretty, knees together, hands on her thighs, sitting nicely and she just looked at me. Her eyes met mine and we sort of just smiled and laughed. It was only for a few seconds....but it was a super happy few seconds. I wish we had more of those moments. We pretended to push each other off the path on the way back from dinner - George was saying how she forced him into the post between the two doors and I made fun of her for hogging the whole road and it went from there. It was a happy day. Though for some reason...I still feel a bit sad...I don't know why. But I definitely had some happy moments today.

Random thoughts

that aren't so random.

I helped her fix Oreo's bike tire today...or at least almost fix. It's sitting outside my door, I'm letting the patch fixate before I attempt to blow it up with air. It was a good feeling spending time with her alone for 30min or so working on the tire. It took us awhile to get the tube out of the tread and the rim. She had never seen the inside of a tire before and didn't realize that it was actually two parts. So it was sort of cool getting to show her something new. I wish I could show her something new everyday. It's a good feeling. In the process of getting the tire out and trying to patch it our hands brushed many times...she has such delicate and gentle hands. They're so slender and elegant (I think I'm starting to use elegant too much...but she truly is elegant - you'd understand if you knew her). Anyways, yeah my heart sped up a bit whenever we touched.

I still think back to when she put her hands on my shoulder Monday night...I wish I had concentrated on the moment harder and remembered it more vividly. At the time I was just so happy that I didn't really think about anything else. But then again, if I had concentrated more perhaps I wouldn't have been as happy and the moment wouldn't have been so special? I guess I'm happy with what I have - I have the emotions.

Hm, I wonder what strangers who stumble upon this blog think of me. People who don't know any of the persona involved or know any background about me. How do I appear to such people? Do I come across as a guy who just doesn't know when to stop? Or do I come across as a hopeless romantic who just can't face reality? What about just a normal human being? I wonder...

I think I'll go to bed looking at that picture again so I have pleasent dreams.

If it was only the Intl Love Center for everyone...

We had our ILC banquet tonight - lots of fun and good times. The food was great, the people were awesome (of course ;-) ) and the music and performance went well ^_^. It was a fun night with everyone dressing up. Laura looked so beautiful tonight. That is - more beautiful than she usually does. She wore a nice red/maroon shirt with a thin knit white jacket and a brown/tan patterend skirt. She had on make up - usually I don't really like when girls put on make up - I feel that it hides their natural features and beauty - and well, some girls don't know when enough is enough. But this time it didn't work that way - her makeup brought out her beauty instead of quenching it. She looked so lovely. I almost wanted to tell her after that she looked really pretty tonight - but I decided it'd be better if I didn't. But in case she's somehow psychic or something like that - You looked lovely tonight. At the end of the night we took group pictures together. I was giving R my camera and then they were calling me to get into the picture quickly. It was already pretty crowded in the back where the tall people were - so I just got in front and squatted. Everyone was leaning over to get close together and into the picture - and Laura leaned down and put her hands on my shoulder left shoulder. I didn't look back at her, but I could tell that the way she did so elegantly. And sure enough, when I look at the picture she looks so elegant - just gently and perhaps even cautiously resting her hands there. My heart skipped a beat when I first felt her put her hands on my shoulder. I was wearing a suit coat so there was thickness between (unlike just a dress shirt) - but nevertheless I was so happy during that moment. And of course - her smile is so wonderful in the picture. It shows controlled happiness - but not uptightness nor excessive happiness that some people express in pictures. And when you look at her eyes and smile you see not only the above, but sincerity - you can tell she is genuinely enjoying the moment the picture is taken and is not forcing any feelings or fake expressions on her face to please the camera. She is herself - nothing more nor less. I love this picture.

Yesterday she wrote me a thank you card for the gift I gave her (along with everyone else in the group), congratulating her on a successful first year at college. It was hand designed with many of our humorous sayings that have developed amongst ourselves - that made me smile. But what I latched on to were the final lines when she told me to relax, not stress too much, and sleep (x3). The previous night we ended up talking about why I was so stressed recently and into my financial situation with my parents and my college tuition (or lack there of) and how I was worried if I could afford to stay at school. She stayed up with me until 4am talking.... I was so happy when I came back from Brunch and saw the card sitting on my desk - I had two guesses as to who it was from and I was so happy that I was right. At first I thought maybe she was starting - barely - to get feelings for me. Of course I'd think that. But then a few seconds later I realized that I was dreaming that this was not the case - she was only being kind. And how kind she is! It meant so much to me getting the card. Most people don't take the time to make a Thank You card for people they see everyday and that they say thank you to orally. But she took the time to make the card - perhaps another sign of how well she was raised and how kind, mature and elegant she is? (Elegant in this sense applying to her personality). I went up to her room later that night to thank her personally for the card. It was sort of awkward I guess because I had latched on to those last lines and sort of missed the original intention of the card when I went to thank her. "Uh..well it was a thank you for the gift." "Huh? Oh yeah, well of course. But, ..(can't remember what I said)." Needless to say - I was SO EMBARRASSED. After I came back down to my room I IMed her and tried to properly say you're welcome and to explain myself (and how I latched on to the last lines). She said that she completely understood and that it wasn't a problem. So understanding, kind to listen to me the night before, and more kind to write a card when she had work to do? Wow. Maybe you're starting to understand why I like her so much.

As much as I'm trying to keep my mind focused on reality, my inner dreamer is still trying to take off: listening to me at night + card + hands on shoulder = maybe her feelings for me have changed?? That's my hopeful side - which usually expresses itself. But this time I've been able to keep my realistic side in control - she's just soooooo kind and elegant and sincere. Either way - I sure am lucky to know her. Zhou tau!

I felt like some reinforcement....

As usual, I'm an idealist:

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

If I could tell her how I feel I'd say:

You're beautiful - everything about you is beautiful. Your long black hair, your amber eyes, your dimpled smile, your slender hands, your elegance, your laugh, your antics - everything. I love how your hair waves and flows naturally and rests on your shoulder - especially after you pull it back around year ear and brush your hand through it. I love the little strands that escape from behind your ear and dangle in front of your face - they make me wonder what lies beneath and gives you a sense of mystery. When you smile, even when you only partially smile - two little dimples form at the corners of your mouth. Just two, small, round dimples. I love those dimples. Your eyes are so serene when you're in thought, yet will just as easily flow between determination and playfulness. You're so elegant. When you kneel to pick up a dropped piece of paper, your posture as you study, when you run, when you cover your mouth when you laugh. You truly live up to your name. The day I learned what your name meant I immediately thought to myself how perfect of a name it was. You've inspired me to try and be better mannered and more elegant, you truly are a model of elegance. When I see you or am around you I feel different inside. My heart beats faster, I become short of breath, I notice little things that you do that just make me like you more. My feelings for you came on suddenly - I didn't expect them. But they've slowly grown and everyday I find something else that amazes me about you. I tell myself that you're amazing. I know I'm lucky just to have met you and become your friend. But I just couldn't keep it inside anymore, I had to let you know how I feel. I'm sorry for ruining this, I just couldn't contain myself anymore, I lost control. But I want you to know that I'm only telling you this, not expecting anything else to happen - you've already done more than enough in listening to me. But I had to let you know, and I'm sorry. And everything I've said about you - don't ever let anyone tell you or let yourself think otherwise. Because what I said is all true and not just passions of the heart.

And then I'd walk away...and let her talk to me when she felt comfortable again. I originally wrote that as the "unrestrained version" just to get my feelings out right now...but...but I think that if I ever did say anything to her it would be the above because I wouldn't be able to hold back my feelings - I don't want to lie to her when I'm attempting to tell her how I feel. I wouldn't be true to myself or to her. I know that something like this would surely damage our friendship...so I'll never do it. But a friend asked if I planned to tell her, and if not that my job was done that I couldn't worry about what more I could do because there was nothing else. Even just looking at pictures of her my heart beats faster and I get short of breath. She is so beautiful and amazing. George is such a lucky guy....though maybe the other guy in HK is such a lucky guy too....one of them will be. And I have to be honest and say that I will probably be a little jealous....I mean who wouldn't be at first when she's such an amazing (I really can't stress this enough) girl. I guess what hurts the most is that she is probably deciding between two guys and she doesn't even know that I care for her at all. I would assume she knows that George cares for her...I have no idea about the other guy. I feel like she's on the tallest pedastal while George and the other guy are on two slightly less tall pedastals of equal height. But I'm stuck way down below, not even full size but miniature, waving about and jumping trying to grab her attention to no avail. "Hey look down here! Look at me! Do you see me? At all?" She doesn't notice me. I guess that's what hurts. Maybe if she noticed that I liked her and at least acknowledged it in someway...even if its negative...I guess it could be better.... or would it? But that she doesn't notice at all....is hard. I don't know what to do to make her notice. I don't want to do anything that stands out either - which is why I guess she doesn't notice. I'm still thinking of lyrics for my song, nothing sounds too good...but I'm trying. If I ever did finish it and learned how to play guitar or paino with it, I might have the guts to sing it to her....but not out of the blue and randomly of course. I guess there would have to be something there that had potential to nurture and grow. I don't know.... Can you miss what was never lost? I've thought of scenes in my mind where she rests her head against George's shoulder...I can imagine how she'd look - so peaceful, she look as if she felt safe, as if she was right where she wanted to be. She looked so beautiful and serene. And for some reason the smell of morning dew hand soap makes me think of her.....

I really like her earrings. She doesn't wear earings that are too much, just a little dangly or studs. They fit her personality so well - playful but not overly so. She has a pair of earrings where one is a pretzel and the other is a french loaf. Shows the wacky and fun side of her personality - everything doesn't have to be symmetrical. Two days ago one of those strands of hair that attract me so was sort of split so that you could, from the side, see her eye through the different strands of hair. I just wanted to take a picture of that moment - beauty piercing through an obscuring screen. Another time she had her hair in a pony tail, but then in one movement took out her hair tie and brushed her hair to lay across her shoudler to one side. My heart skipped a beat there....I don't know why, but there's just something about her hair and how it seems to frame her face when it's by her shoudler. It's a natural portrait. She did it again tonight, though her hair was already loose. But she brushed her hand through her hair and it rested perfectly on her shoulder. I just can't stop thinking about how amazing she is.....and how lucky I am to have met her. But then I can't help thinking at the same time how I'm not enough for her. I wish I were more.

Some people say love and relationships don't make someone's life or fix problems. I agree - for the most part. I have lived a life where I've hardly felt loved by anyone. I've never had constants in my life...I move away from friends, I'm in the outskirt of friend circles, friends leave...The first relationship I was in I was at peace...I had a constant, and I was happy. Things fell apart when college started....there was no more constant. My second relationship was constant only at the beginning. But I felt that I wasn't enough - which in the end I wasn't - and so I was constantly worried of losing her - and I did. I have no constant, I feel that I'm not loved, that I'm not appreciated. I try being the best person I can possibly be, but that's not enough - I'm not good socially because of alcohol or I'm too nice. It's not in my nature to be otherwise - I constantly strive to be the best person I can be, I don't want to take a step in the wrong direction. Though I always tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me, that I just want to be the best person I can be, I think I'm lying. I wouldn't feel this way if I did. I want to be the best person I can be - but I want her to see me, make me at least full size again. Maybe even a stool to stand on would be nice. Anything. But I can't make myself compromise who I am....I can't be "less nice". Is this my fate - to be everyone's friend - the guy who's too nice and weird and too sensitive and romantic and idealistic and who doesn't have his feet on the ground. The guy who follows his feelings and heart and lets his mind only regulate? Sometimes he'll even forget about his mind. I wish I could just spill out my feelings and my heart to everyone, let everyone know who I really am, that I'm not just the happy face, that there's so much more. I bet I could show this to most of my friends and they would have no idea that I wrote it if I didn't tell them beforehand.

::sigh:: If only my heart could be filled with... If I could only say how I feel without fear. If only she knew. If only what I imagine in my dreams was reality. If only I were good enough. Can you miss what was never lost? ::sigh:: I can't distance myself, I want to be around her, I want to enjoy my moments with her. I just have to learn to live with the pain - but it will take time. I don't want to give up hope, I don't want to resign, I don't want to face reality - but at some point I'll have to. But what's there to feel for if I can't hope?

Here I am baring my soul - do you see me now?

One perfect picture

I just saw the picture I talked about yesterday, the one in the newsletter.

My mind added details that weren't there...she's standing lifting up the fire alarm with a single, slender finger (her hands are so pretty) extended, palm up, looking away and almost biting her lip (rather than mouth agape) appearing as if to feign guilty innocence..., her other hand by her side, and her hair loose, falling over her shoulders and down her back. Doesn't sound anything like the picture I described before, did it? But everything I said about her and all the aspects I described int he picture are true. Perhaps that's the picture of my mind that I've constructed from the time I've spent with her, taking little bits and pieces from every moment and trying to save them into one, perfect picture.

It's hard, but I realize that last night I forgot the most important thing - what I had written the day before. What counts - no matter what the outcome - is that I'm lucky to have met and spend time with someone like her. That I should enjoy every moment I have with her, no matter what type of moment that is. Thinking about that somehow makes things a little easier. I'll still care for her, but it'll be contained, and I'll enjoy every moment I get to spend with her.

That being said, that doesn't mean that life still isn't really hard right now.

What do I feel?

When I think of her I feel light hearted...then when I think of not being with her, which somehow leads to me not being around her - I feel heavy. Why do I feel in such ways? What am I feeling? I don't want to give up, but if it's the end......will it make pain go away? Summer please come...summer please stay away. Laura where will you go? Who will you walk with hand-in-hand, smiling up at them as you share moments together? A lucky lucky guy.....

Short of breath, quick of heart....

Short of breath, quickened heart beat - that's what I feel when I look at Laura. Shortened breath, faster heart beating, urge to cry - that's what I feel when I feel I have no chance.

She's moving a lot closer to George I think. Perhaps her liking some other guy in HK was just a rumor or perhaps the feeling has abated, but whatever it is I think I got left behind somwhere and lost my chance. I have no ill feelings towards either of them, just introverted feelings, questions, and mild frustration. Not at any person, but rather at the situations I find myself in, the situations I place myself in. I put myself in lose-lose situations and I hope for the outcome to be positive when I should know better. I do it to myself...it's so painful. I'll miss her..in some way..even though she'll still be there, but at the same time I think they would make a great couple. I've thought so from the beginning.

Am I resigning to early? There's no proof, there's no evidence. Its just my gut feeling I guess...they seem to interact a lot better now than before. It's ok, they're both happy - and that's what really counts in the end - my friends' happiness, anybody else's happiness. Can't it be right - in general - to sacrifice one for the two when all three for sure cannot be saved? ::sigh:: I guess I'm not resigned yet...but I hurt and I wonder if I should just to end it.......but it's so hard. Just sitting in the lounge for a little doing homework, sitting on the couch while she sat across the room with everyone else the four tables pushed together. She was so pretty sitting there doing her work, poised, hair back in a ponytail but coming to lay in front of her right shoulder. I had trouble concentrating on my own work when I looked at her, I would forget the conversation I was trying to recite when I glanced her direction. Short of breath, quick of heart....

Not to mention this is (way back now-->) her birthday...I guess it adds to my sadness. Like I always say, the feelings never leave completely.

Flutter butterflies flutter

Eating dinner tonight, I thought of what my friend (same one as quoted below) said about understanding my feelings towards the little things I see in Laura. She mentioned having butterflies when you're with the person. Being with Laura and Co. tonight at dinner I thought about what she said last night, about enjoying every moment with her. As I thought about that and looked at Laura the butterflies fluttered about like there was no tomorrow. I suddenly got really happy just being there watching her talk with other people. She was being herself: acting wacky, making funny facial expressions (which I die for - especially the smiles that follow them), poking fun at people here and there, being poked fun at, all the while still maintaining her beautiful elegance. I noticed the slim strands of hair that escaped from behind her ear or from her back and that rested on her shoulder, her lips, there was something about them but for some reason they stood out to me tonight, and once again I fell for those small dimples that dot her cheeks when she smiles. There's a picture of her in our dorm magazine, the International Enquirer, for the "Most Eligible Bachelorette" page. I think that picture sums up (though not entirely) her personality: she's lifting the cover of a firealarm barely, hand poised as if daintily picking up piece of silverware, while she looks up to the left, away from the fire alarm, eyes wide open, mouth agape and her other hand moving to cover her mouth, feigning guilt. At the same time her posture shows her poise and confidence while her tied-back hair shows a level of practicality. Well, at least that's what I see.

And about those butterflies: I had a pretty full stomach so my insides didn't really want to budge (I didn't want to budge) but those butterflies were still pushing around a lot of mass because I definitely felt them.
so they must've been fluttering pretty hard ;-).