It's a new year... but not new people.

Someone told me today, "New year, new people." She was talking about herself and how she just started dating a new guy (like today)... but that it won't last because she's come back to Cornell soon and he's going somewhere else and they won't see each other after the next week. She has no idea how much I should listen to that advice. But just because I know I should doesn't mean that I'll feel that way. And I don't. I saw a picture of them holding hands in The Architect's room today....... how I wish that was me....

I found out recently (by reading their blog) that someone I know is rather slutty...... completely shattered the image I had of them. I feel sorry for their significant other (and yes they have one). I almost want to talk to them and tell them they shouldn't do anything that could hurt those that care about them... but it's not my place to do that.

The only reason why I'm going to Unit 1 is because they have Wings... and I'm sort of hungry (though my stomach has been bothering me for the past few days... it may just be that). I'd rather spend New Years alone in my room. Hopefully I can escape and come back up.

I was about to type the title... and write "end of the year thoughts"... and I realized, that these aren't thoughts that culminate my year. Well, maybe the first one. But I'm not going to force myself to regurgitate everything either... it wouldn't be pleasant - for anyone.

I just want to...

hug someone tight to fill in the emptiness I feel.

Make note....

That I said it was only for a little while... I drove 600 miles to a friend's house Thursday.... felt miserable there and came back Saturday... 1200 miles in 3 days. I just want to be some place familiar... I almost turned back half way on my way there too. I almost started crying while I was there... I don't know why.

For a little while...

I was actually happy again. I took James and Selina on a drive tonight (I felt like driving). We went to Taughannock Falls. At the top we got out of the car and looked up - stars, stars, stars (though still not as many as the time on the dry lake). Anyways, I love stars, I love the sky. I love sharing these things with people. Selina was completely blown away - she doesn't see stars like this in HK (darn light pollution). She was like a kid, giddy with excitement, but able to fathom the meaning of the moment. I couldn't help myself smiling as she absorbed, for the first time, a sky full of stars. Seeing the milky way for the first time, seeing not one, but three falling stars for the first time. Her euphoria reminded me of how I used to be when I was a kid. As the three of us lay on the cold cement staring up at the sky I was just smiling up at space. Staring at all of the stars, each one stuck in a different point in time. It's like looking at all of history all at once. Think about it and you'll begin to fathom the meaning of it all. It's incredible. As we drove further I opened the sunroof to let them look out the top while I drove. Again, Selina was giddy was excitement and James would describe how there were lots of places in Kenya like this. I couldn't hold back my smile as I drove listening to Selina being excited and James remembering his own fond moments. As the three of us were there staring up at the sky, finger tips through the sun roof, I was happy again.

It's over

I have no future, I have no chance of a future. Why do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve this?

No sign of an end

I am tired of this.... I can't take it anymore. I just want it all to end. My mind can't suffer anymore from lack of direction, lack of motivation, lack of hope. Things keep piling up and getting worse and worse and there's absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do. I just do not want to be here right now. I'm not even sure if I want to be here in the future. And I can't talk to anyone about because it'll just f*** things up in my life even more.

I'm so lost, so lonely, so cold.

Doing anything to keep my mind from it

Including:

Love Letter (x2)
All About Lily Chou-Chou (x2)
Picnic
9 Souls
Blue Spring
The Bird People of China
Firefly Dreams
A Bright Future
License to Live
Youth of the Beast
Onmyoji II
The Suicide Club
Dead End Run
Ichi the Killer
Audition
Charisma
Green Fish
Acacia
(another I can't remember the name of)

I'm sure I'm forgetting some...

I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to run away, never to return. Why has life been so cruel to me? Constantly teasing me, making me think things are within reach, only to yank them so far away that I can't even see them anymore. I hate this. Why can't it all just disappear. Why can't I disappear.

Why do I bother? I'm not good enough for anything. I'm mediocre. All thought. but not even talk, let alone action. I can't do anything right.

When will it end?

They're officially together.... and I've truly lost everything. At first my heart was ripped out... now its been crushed. And now I have to sit alone in my room in the dark, crying into a pillow so I don't wake up Eric. I wish you were here... I wish anyone was here who could help me... but I don't think anyone can. My life has nothing left in it.

When the world ends.

I've finally been able to write a song

Broken, shattered by the cold,
My life, fallin' into pieces,
Nothing warm to hold on to,
Here come the Winter storms,

The fires of October extinguished,
Wrenched from my insides, ashes fly in the wind,
Only a hole is left to show what was lost,
Hope - and everything with it

Green to gold, the peak of life,
Gold to brown, nearing the end,
Fallen to the ground looking up at what was lost,
Torn from the hope of holding on,
These are the days of November

Rotting on the ground,
Taken back into the earth,
Lost forever, you fade away,
Nothing to see, nothing to look forward to,

Completely empty, fearing the future,
No direction, nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide,
Lost in this Winter, year after year,
Can't escape, can't hold on any longer,
These are the days of November.

Broken, shattered by the cold,
My life, fallin' into pieces,
Nothing warm to hold on to,
Here come the Winter storms,
These are the days of November

These are the days of November

Broken, shattered by the cold

I hate my life....... Why does this always happen to me why why why... She was the last hope I had in my life. She's what allowed me to make it through the semester so far. Now I have nothing left. Nothing to look forward too. The little hope of seeing her and hoping I might be able to do small things to maybe make her like me was all that kept me going. Now I can't do that... I can't do anything anymore. I'm having such a hard time typing this. I told you I'm a freak... my feelings are too strong for what they rightfully should be... All I ever wanted was just to once hold her hand - even if it was everyone holding hands in a circle and playing some game.... I won't get to do that now.... She's all I had.... and I didn't even have her..... Now I have nothing... I'm completely empty... Why me? Why do I have to constantly go through so much pain in my life. Why? why why? I almost was going to put up an away message or tell people that "I lost someone dear to me." then I realized it sounded like someone died... but she didn't die.... I did. I just want to runaway away and hide from this world, I don't want to be here. Why does this always happen to me? Now I will be plagued forever with all the times I wanted to tell her my feelings. I'll never be able to now.... if the time is ever right.... please tell her for me. I doubt it will ever be right... and I hope it doesn't become right because that means things go sour between her and terence... but if it the time does come.... please. And this isn't a spur of the moment thought... I've thought about it before (if you still have it... save the email I sent you last night and use that....). I hate Novembers.... Daphne and I split last november.... just one week from today...... Novembers are when the seasons get colder and when my life shatters because of it. When you closed the alarm window that said she had signed online... the ones I always looked forward too... it truly felt like she was gone. And my desktop... I love the picture because she volunteered to pose for it... and I hate it because at one point I thought that all I see is her back... and that's all I see as she walks away from me..........

Optimism vs. Hope

Does one imply the other? I forgot what the word for that is... Or are each of these ideas independent of each other and you can have one without any of the other. I feel like the latter may be true.

Right now I am either without hope or optimism... but I do have some, however little, of the other. Even when I feel like its impossible, that there is no chance, I still hang on to that little bit of hope. But I still feel like this... But I feel like I have no hope... so what am I? This is making no sense... I can't write about this now. I just don't know what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going - or who's really there anymore.

She's so happy right now. Not stressed, joking around with people - and to me it seems like she really likes him.

And there's this massive feeling of emptiness inside of me.

It was like

A black blob.... I don't know how else to describe it. All my thoughts were condensed into this superdense, black blob. If you cut it it was black, through and through. And if you tried to push it around and see what was inside it was very difficult because it was so dense. I couldn't give it any shape, any form. I couldn't extract any sort of distinct thought from it. All that it left was an all-encompassing feeling of sadness. So much so that when N Korea tested their nuke it felt as if there was no hope left in the world (as a whole - not in my personal life).

But then school came again and in order to survive I had to snap out of it... strange how things like that work.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme...a soundbite.
--Keane "Is it any wonder?"

It happens too much to hurt,
So tell me does it hurt to ask why?
Why do all of these things in my life,
Pass me by?

I can't sleep right now. I keep tossing and turning, kicking off my covers. I can't concentrate/think about anything. I think I dreamt about her coming in to try and comfort me, but I even kicked in my sleep when that happened, like it wasn't supposed to happen and it was a bad thing to think about. I almost cried tonight again; my eyes did get teary lying in bed. But still not enough to let me release. I don't know why I felt like this, it's break, shouldn't I be more relaxed? Or maybe it's because it is break that I feel like this... That I know there's not enough time. I live in a paradox. I need to have lots of work to do so that I don't think about these things, but these things make it so that I can't concentrate on work. I realized a couple of days ago that since I was a kid I've always liked being on the outside for some reason... I don't like it anymore. I used to climb high trees and get way up in the branches so I could watch other people and see what they did in their life. I still remember one time when I was up in one of the really tall trees in my yard that overlooked the road and two women were jogging by. I was singing to myself... I even think it was the song I'll Be by Edwin McCain. "I'll be, your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide. I'll be, better when I'm older, I'll be, the greatest, man in your life." I was like...10? 11? Anyways I was singing and they heard me and they stopped and looked up and said "Who's up there?" I stopped singing and stayed really still and tried to hide in the branches. I didn't want them to see me. But I've always liked that... being alone and looking back at other people and seeing how they live. I guess it's safer that way... you don't get hurt.

I'm sorry for leaving everyone. I just couldn't stay. I needed to be alone.

Lyrics

These are some lyrics that I've thought up as I walk around and as I lie in bed. Usually the best ones come to me naturally as I just try singing, but I can never remember them. But these, maybe a bit cheesy (and ignore the grammar), have stuck in my head:

If I were a star,
Shining high up in the sky,
I'd fall onto the Earth,
Just to be by your side.

And if I were your star,
Over the ocean blue,
I'd do everything I can,
To make your dreams come true.
---
I just lie awake,
As I lie in my bed, and I just stare up at my cieling - oh yeeah.
Thoughts go 'round in my head and I just wonder what you're thinking - ooh.

Cheesy....but oh well. I personally like the star metaphor...

And these are the lyrics to Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. I really recognzie some of my feelings that I have now and that I've had in the past in this song.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

No one is here...

I think I'm annoying her... I don't know what I'm doing... I have this scare that secretly she and George are already together and they're just not telling me about it. Everyone else knows, but not me. I would rather know... I would rather know that she's happy with someone else. At least I would know she's happy. I have a feeling that I'm going to have bad dreams tonight.

I wish I had more opportunities to show her how I care. If you ever feel the time is right... please tell her. I'm too afraid to damage our friendship to do anything. But I hate keeping my feelings bottled up inside. This is very strange I know, but I occasionally get the urge to brush back those stray strands of hair that fall across her forehead. Of course I would never do that... but it shows my state of mind. I really care about her... and I'm not even sure the people who I talk to even understand... Most people think I'm weird when it comes to my feelings towards other people... they haven't lived the life I have and, luckily, don't know how it feels not to feel.

And she disappears without saying a word... a word of thanks.... a word of laughter... a word of acknowledgement. Does she know I'm here?

One teardrop

These past few days I've been near crying... but nothing has pushed me to the edge... I almost want to be pushed over the edge. I want something to happen that lets me release all my feelings, all my emotions into one tirade of tears. I want to release all my troubles in life through those drops of water. All my sorrows open to the world to see, reflected in the tears streaming down my face. I stared up at the sky tonight as it rained, letting the rain run down my face... they're my tears for now.

Yet Another Dream

I can't remember this one as well as the others, but it was happier.

The location was very abstract...there was a river, forests, small town...it could've been anywhere. I can't remember much, but I do remember that at one point she and I were walking together and talking and she sort of hesitantly reached for my hand. She eventually gingerly held my hand and I was really surprised. I asked, "When did this happen? Are you sure??" [implying was she sure that was what she wanted], I was totally surprised. She was hesitant in her reply so I released my hand and said something like, "If you're not sure it's ok, I understand..." But she shook her head and more confidently reached for my hand again and said, "It'll be alright." I was really happy, but at first was unsure of myself. I remember that our hands were held by our fingers, not palm-to-palm (if you can picture that). We kept walking...out of this old town of sorts, along a river. From here it gets really scattered...maybe we met some people but didn't want them to know that we were sort of together? I remember getting on an old truck and driving it fast to get away from people. It was not like they were chasing us and we were running from them. But it was more of a feeling of escape and being free and released from burdens. It was raining or something and we went off the road below a bridge next to the river, still driving. We thought we could get across the water, but the truck got halfway or so? And then somehow we were on the other side? I can't really remember much.

Anyways, I woke up and realized that I slept through my alarm...actually turned off my alarm in my sleep. And got up to work at ungodly hours of the night/morning...

All of my dreams recently have had this common theme... I guess it's pretty major in my subconcious (I could say that conciously too). I just wish the nicer ones could come true...I wish the one about the kitchen could come true. I saw her yesterday for like 1 minute right after class, and that was it. I wish I saw her more, I really liked how she looked that day (more so than usual). She was wearing the black skirt I really like. It's a great example of her style...simple, yet elegant. Haven't seen her (or other people) in awhile. They went to get pearl tea tonight... I thought they would tell me if they were going to go still because it was raining... I guess not. :(

Where is everyone?

I'm lonely.

Another dream

This one - not so happy.

It was sort of a random storyline or "a day in the life of" type of dream. The types where they're no real clear point, it just seems like you're dreaming of your everyday life. I guess you could say lots of dreams are like that, but this is contrastive to my previous strange dream - I had a goal in that dream. Like I felt there was somewhere I really wanted to go, but I couldn't get there (that water barrier). This one was just aimless. Anyways, I dreamed that I was in a house living with everyone - probably came up because they're talking about moving to apartments next year (and I'm left out). I didn't see anyone else in the house, it was just implied or I already knew subconciously that I was living with them. The house was situated among some random trees, not tropical, but not like ithaca trees. It was on a hill on an island, and the back of the house faced the sea. I'm not sure if it was a direct cliff or just a steep slope, but there wasn't anything between the house and the sea. The only location that comes to mind that might have inspired this is Cheung Chau, the island that she lives on, and thus where I stayed this summer when I visited HK. It was really sunny and there were other houses nearby, again like Cheung Chau. I started inside the house I think, then went outsdie when I saw two people run by carrying a soccer ball and cleats. They were running to the soccer court that was below the house - just like the one in Cheung Chau. I ran outside to see who it was and it was Jeremy and Vincent (I remember thinking - why the heck is Vincent in this dream?? I haven't seen him in a long time and we've pretty much only known each other through soccer - last fall only.) I shouted something down at them, Jeremy threw the ball up, I threw it back, or something like that, and that was the end. I turned and walked back towards the house (which was pretty much like right there) and then she walked out. She had her backpack on and I even remember she was wearing a brown shirt (I think I know which one it would've been) and jeans. I was about to ask her to wait for me so we could walk together - I even called her name out - but then I had the thought that I hadn't gotten ready yet, that she would have to wait for me. So I just said nevermind. But she gave me an exasperated look, didn't say anything, and turned her back and walked away. And that's all I saw of her that morning...her exasperated look and her back, both of which I caused. It wasn't a good feeling. I was hoping to be able to walk (to wherever) with her, but then all I see is her back as she walks away from me. I went back into the house to get ready and noticed how messy it was. The day was perfect outside, but inside the house was a mess, and she just walked away from me....Then I woke up. And realized that I had slept the entire night when I was supposed to sleep only 30 min. So with no work done, no breakfast, and the after effects of a bad dream, I quickly got ready and ran to class and a prelim.

I'm still holding on to that moment that hasn't happened yet. I'm holding on to the hopes that it will happen. I just wish I had more time to let it happen.

There's one song that I really like, actually (here comes my nerdy side) it's from my favorite anime. It's called "I'm a Pioneer". It's supposed to be about space exploration, but I've always felt close to the song. I guess because for me, the song and the anime itself are places of escape for me. I've always gone back to them when I just can't take it anymore. At home I would watch it to take me away from my family, and the song reminds me of the series so that I feel like I've been taken away, out into space, care free and having nothing to worry about. But at the same time, I know that as long as I knew there was someone out there that I cared about, I still wouldn't be happy. I'm stuck in that paradox...it gets so frustrating but the only way chance for me to be happy is to remain frustrated.

"Not happy to hide your big dreams anymore
You are a pioneer, the same as me"

Chasing Cars

Again, I felt like doing nothing at all today....I couldn't concentrate on anything, all I could do is sit and listen to music and stare off into space. I couldn't even put my head on my desk because I wrenched my back last night (ouch). I've realized that there's a connection with when I feel like this - it's whenever I run into a large wall related to her. Actually, I'm 99% sure that if I look back at other times I've felt like this I'll see that it always happened when I hit a wall related to someone who I really cared about it. It definitely happened to the nth-degree when Duck and I separated (for a whole week...). I guess this shows how much my life is built up around the people I care about. And in particular, that one person I care about even more. It's probably wrong for my life to be structured like this, but I guess that's just who I am, that's my personality. Like the surveys say - I'm an idealist and a romantic - a tough combination to live with. Although, I have learned how to curb my expressed romanticism some for the sake of making the other person more comfortable (but it doesn't mean I don't think about things like that). It definitely comes out in my dreams though.

A few days ago I had a completely strange dream:

Me: i can remember bits and pieces, but i remember at one point we were talking and then suddenly laura and george started placing their fingers together and finally held hands
Me: and laura was really really happy
Me: oh wait, before that she had sort of sidled over to me and it felt like she was going to grab my hand, but then the above
Me: i looked at george like "oh when did this happen?" and i can't remember what he did, but it was something she wasn't happy with because she suddenly said something like "well there are still guys who are ____ in this world" (something like chivalrous, but not really) and came to me and grabbed my hand and george looked mad.... (why do my dreams always make a bad impression of george :( :( :()
Me: we started walking back (we were on central i guess? somewhere by day hall i think...) and then i ended upgoing through goldwin smith "like i usually do"...except gs wasn't gs...it was like a passage way through this tunnel/cave and there were two sides separted by a wall and u could either swim underneath the wall in the water, or u can go through a door (a door!??)
Me: and when we went down it was strangely cold, so we decided not to swim and went through the door ( i guess i usually swam??) and the otherside was like a pretty view of an ocean and beach, and it looked warm, but it was still cold. and usually you climb down rocks to get to the beach (which is the other side of goldwin smith - like where you'd exit) but there was too much water from the cold (ice?) melting...so you couldn't get down
Me: so we had to go back
Me: and then random skipping [in the dream], i was walking my dog (or at least it looked like my dog), on central by uris, but there was like a small stadium thingy next to it and there were people going to a funeral there (i'm thinking this came about because i read about steve irwin's final farewell today)
Me: and i grabbed my dog to make sure she didn't make any ruckus, but when i got close they were having a solemn exhibition of american football in honor of the person who died...and they sort of just asked me to join, it was like 4 people and the guy on my team was really
Me: and i was reluctant because "she would get mad if i get dirty" or something weird like that
Me: but the big g uy was like "it'll be ok, this is for an important reason", and so i 'played'...this like walking game of football....
Me: and the 'field' was really muddy.
Me: and then i got my dog and left...and woke up (or can't remember more)

Overall, I felt happy when I woke up. It was strange, but happy. But I don't know why I dream like this...it's the second dream I've had in which George was evil-ish. He's anything but. I'm sorry thinking like that, George. A day or two before that I had a much shorter and simpler dream. I was in the kitchen with her cooking dinner or something. And we were staning next to each other facing the sink working on washing the dishes or cooking (like there was a second burner where the sink was or something). But we were just standing close together concentrating on cooking. And she just slowly leaned and rested her head against my shoudler. And the strange thing was, I didn't see this from the first person view, but I saw this from behind. I saw myself and her standing there, and her put her head against me. That was it, that was my dream. I wish a dream like that, one that's realistic, could come true.

I screwed up last night. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked at the intl dinner. She really was amazing... I told her later that she was very beautiful... it didn't go over well. She was very awkward about it...not what I had hoped. I had hoped that I'd be able to compliment her. She deserved to be complimented, especially if no one had done so already - whether it would've been Oreo or George. She said that she almost didn't wear the dress because she didn't want to stand out. What she doesn't understand is that no matter what, she always stands out. I know for a fact I'm not the only person who thinks that - I can name two more for sure. She will always stand out, she's that amazing - especially to me.

Add more oil...

Why does no one encourage me? All I need is a little encouragement, someone to tell me that even though what I'm doing is hard, that they think I can do it. How about a "good luck" without the sigh of "you're going to need it." It feels like people look down on me because I'm doing so much. Maybe they think that I think I'm better than them because of it. Do you think I really want to be in this situation? Even outside of my academics... I cook on Friday and Saturdays because it gives me the time to make something special for you guys. You have the "thrown together" meals 5/7 days of the weekm can't I make you both something special? Something that takes more time? I'm sorry that it's been late lately...I'll start cooking earlier. But can't I still make you something special? I almost started crying when you said that I do too much and shouldn't cook like that. Why can't I do something special for you? I just want to do something special...something to make your lives a little better.

When will someone say, "You can do it," instead of, "You can't do it"? When will someone believe in me?

Thank you to you who tells me to add more oil...you're the only one who's encouraged me.

It's that time of year again. People are planning where they'll be living off campus next year. Choosing what friends to live with, where they'll stay, how fun it will be to cook together, hang out together, study together, eat together, be able to live by themselves and with people they love hanging out with. Sounds like so much fun - and I bet it is... I'm just excluded from it all. It's not their fault that I don't know if I'll be at Cornell next year. And even though I'm not involved with the choosing of houses, it still feels like I've been completely forgotten... That they're only thinking of how much fun it will be next year with each other - but not with those people who aren't there. Will they remember me when I leave - if I leave? Or will they say, "Yeah he was a good guy that lived in the same building as us." Will they say even that? It's so sad to once again not be included in any planning on having fun the next year with friends... Anything that has to do with timing in my life is always horribly, horribly wrong. Same thing happened last year to me... What if I stay at Cornell? Would they have time to see me because I'm not living with them? What type of friend do they consider me as? I know at first they looked at me as the "scary" upperclassman, but now? Am I still only a friendly mentor? Am I the guy who likes to think he's their friend, but is too busy to hang out enough to truly be a friend? I wish I could live with them next year and share in their memories. There's so much I've missed out on in college life. I wish I could do it over again. I wish timing could be better for me...

On a happier note, two of my friends got engaged last week. I was fairly shocked. It's something I could've seen happening in the future, but not so soon. Congratulations you guys. One of my other friends (who was probably the first to know) is super excited and has already started "planning" the wedding. If you knew her personality you'd completely understand, lol (the type that goes into stores to try on wedding dresses for the heck of it :p). I'm really happy for my friends, they've found someone they care about enough to commit so strongly to the long-term. They're not planning on getting married for a couple of years (grad school and such), but they're willing to commit, which is a huge task. I have major respect for them for that. They join the 70% of Cornell couples who pull through it all and go on to marry each other.

I have always hoped I'd find someone here that I would create such a strong bond with. But my time has run out, and my plans are so uncertain for the future that I don't think anyone would want to make any sort of short-term commitment...and not that I'd want just a short term commitment. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find someone once I leave undergrad... I'm not sociable enough to meet someone outside of school. I don't think I could make myself do the "testing the waters" thing with dating... it sort of comes off as strange to me (I always thought that if you were dating someone that meant you were gf/bf). And because of that I can't just approach a stranger. That's why I always try to get to know someone better by becoming a friend, to see who they truly are. People dating are always trying to impress (or in some cases, deter) the other, it's not a true representation of who they are - only what they want the other person to see them as. I guess I'm just old fashioned...and behind the times...my loss.

I wonder if my friends realize how much I care for them. How much they mean to me. Somehow I don't imagine they do... They say I'm too nice... only to people who I care about (and even so I don't think you can be "too nice"). They say (well some say) I'm too busy to have a relationship...but they don't know how hard I try to give my time to those that I care about - especially those who I have stronger feelings for beyond friendship. I'm going to miss them all so much when I leave (if I leave...), but I'd still make every effort I could to come visit them. Would they try to visit me? I hope they do... I care for you all so much. I care for you so much.

Do they realize?

Aren't friends supposed to realize when something is wrong? Why does no one notice? Not like I'd be able to explain my feelings...but still... I'm NOT TIRED.

Lovestruck by lightning

It feels and looks beautiful, yet hurts at the same time.

In Japan I learned to appreciate the little things in life. To take that extra moment to gaze at the sunset, to look at the people around you, to feel the texture of the tree bark - to spend time truly absorbing what I experience in my everyday life. To pause, as the Archie put it, to take that extra moment to see - that's what life is about.

But even so, I believe that it is hard to appreciate these little things without one thing that is necessary in everyone's life. And as the song so says: everybody needs somebody to love. Without that, there is forever a tangible emptiness inside each person. A part of you, a place that is not necessarily for receiving, but rather for giving. When bottled up it turns rotten, decaying the person it is held within. But when it is released, it suddenly flourishes and grows, becoming something far more than it was in the womb called ourself. At the same time, having somebody to love doesn't just mean having someone you care about...you have to be able to express your love to that person. Otherwise your feelings will decay and you would be eaten away from the inside. But the problem is that this means the person would have to be receptive to your feelings...which if you're lucky enough means you won't have a problem with any of this. But if not... I've learned that the small things are great to appreciate in life, but that the prerequisite to truly appreciate them is love. Without love your mind is preoccupied, you wish you could show the person you care about these small things you see and notice. But they don't have the same effect on you as they would if you had love. Because when you have love you'd be willing to give up these amazing things of life for that one person, because that one person means more to you than all of this. That's the difference...and the paradox. With love you can truly appreciate the significance of the small things of life. But without love your mind is too preoccupied with what it would be like with love that you cannot comprehend its significance. But at the same time with love you'd be willing to give up those small things because you know that you will always have that person to turn to, to love and care about. That, when you have that person, everything else comes off as so trivial. But without love, without love you can't give up the small things, because they are the only thing that remind you how beautiful the world is, even if it is painful in one way or another...

I just don't know what to do anymore... My time is so short, I just can't show her how I feel, I'm afriad I'll never have the chance... That my feelings will decay and die inside of me, bringing me down with it... I'm so close to her... yet it feels so far away. am I destined to forever be lonely? Am I destined to sacrifice myself so that I can make others happy and never truly find my own happiness? I know where I'd find my happiness...in love. I have none of it anywhere else in my life. But I always end up finding love that is never reciprocated...or love that is short lasted.... when will that change? Soon? With her? I don't know what else there is anymore.

The Walls...

when the walls are forming I pay them no mind
when the walls grow taller I strive harder for what I want
when the walls begin teetering I begin to worry
when the walls crash down under their own weight I get lost in the rubble - will someone pull Me out?
I've seen the architect's plans and the walls are too high

I have a tendency to focus on what I want the most, or what I fear losing the most when everything feels like it's crashing down on me....so take a guess about what...or rather who I'm thinking about.

Europe?

I had a sudden urge today, a strong one, to go to Europe. The culture, the history, the people, all so different than Asia... maybe that's why? Something to give me a change from what I'm doing now, even though I love it. I guess I'm interested in the stereotypical thing again... like the small towns, not like a London. And probably not the UK..something on the continent, of course, stereotypically France comes to mind. I just had this strong urge today...

A metaphor for my life

I was walking back home through central campus today around 10p. There was a very light rain - I felt drops but I didn't get wet - and I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt... It was overcast and a very comfortable temperature - not humid and not cold nor hot. I was coming back from having dinner with T-dawg (again another made up name). I went over the bridge, behind engineering and through the quad. I started feeling nostalgic when I was walking towards the Statler...so I decided to go inside. It was peaceful, quiet, and empty. I walked through the back of the Statler and came out by Uris. There were some people walking back on the sidewalk alongside Uris. They were all dressed up, coming from some event. I think they were staying at the Statler (I overheard some conversation). I walked toward the intersection and looked up at the sky. I couldn't see anything, I could occasionally see the raindrops falling if the light hit them right. I started thinking about how much I miss everyone... How that even though T-dawg is here and that Mysterious Man is here, I'm still really lonely. (I almost feel like crying now...not a strong feeling, but it's there.) I feel so lost right now. I don't know where I'm going to end up in life...... But I started walking again, just looking up at the sky. I got to the driveway to Rockefeller before I stopped again and looked up towards Clark. I stood with my hands behind my head and just stared in that direction. I just absorbed everything...there weren't any people around. I heard a couple of cars go by behind me. I only heard them come from my left and fade out in the distance to my right, I didn't see their lights or any visual clue that there were cars... There was only the sound of the cars, the hum of the building generators, the lamp post, the rain, my thoughts, and, as I had noticed when I was walking, the sound of my footsteps. I thought about not only this past year standing there, but also two years ago...I miss my friends from freshman year. We had so much fun with each other, and now no one has time to see each other. We never eat in groups anymore...I thought about Duck from first semester this year, where we had held hands and walked by Rockefeller and Baker. I wonder if she's happy now. The rushing of the cars going by made me think about how she came and went...How happiness rushed to me and then faded away and was lost....The people I had walked by earlier made me realize that people in my life come and go...That I lose my closest friends.....That my friends during the school year leave at the end..... That I feel lost and lonely when I don't have someone I can care for.... I feel so lonely. I had the urge to call Twin #1 then....I called her earlier tonight. I hadn't talked to her in forever. I usually don't feel lonely when I talk to her... But now I"m just so lonely and lost....I don't know what to do.... I walked back up to north with my hands behind my head most of the time... I stopped at the bridge and peered into the gorge... it would've been nice to be down there, not being seen by anybody. Standing there all I could hear was the waterfall. Again, more memories of the last two years came to me... walking back last summer and having the light always turn off when I got to it, Twin #1 falling off of the tree during our sunday lunch and having her life flash in front of Twin #2's eyes... I miss our Thanksgiving trip.... I walked across the bridge and up the hill towards appel. I stared into the trees as I walked past just like I did last year. But instead of harbouring monsters I imagined that Laura would walk out of them.... that my loneliness would end........ But towars the end the monsters came back. I walked across Rawlings Green and alongside Mews and the soccer fields...just the sky, the rain, my footsteps and I... I thought about what I was going to do.... I can't stay at Cornell.... I don't have enough money.......... my time here is seriously in jeopardy.... I don't want to leave my friends..... but what can I do? I can't live working some menial job..... I'd rather have no job and go off and have some purpose in life.... live in a monastery or temple... just to have some purpose..... and I've thought about it too..... Leave everything behind....disappear....fade into the night, like raindrops that dry on your skin..... They make an impact only to be forgotten...... I came back and played Amsterdam on the piano...really slowly.....I like it better slow...it's more nostalgic....soothing....sad....... I'm so lonely.... This is my life: a few passerbys, cars, trees, raindrops, my footsteps - a summernight walk through central campus....

Home is where the heart is

And that's not Colorado....

Came back for 1.5 days... everything is unfamiliar. With my parents living in two houses now, it's weird to go some place new... and be expected to live there. I don't even have a room in either house anymore, just guest rooms. And that's what I feel like - a guest, a stranger, someone who doesn't belong. Seeing some furniture in the new house is strange, because it makes me wonder what the other half is doing (well, it's still in the other house). And even driving to the old house... the roads are unfamiliar, I feel like I'm being driven to someplace I've never been before, seeing new sites and feeling the road take unexpected turns and dips. And inthe house...everything is different, especially with all the furniture gone. Everything is empty, all of my stuff is packed up in boxes - I don't belong. I hate it here.... I don't want to come back. If I can't fund college then... Idk... I'm NOT coming back to CO.....

There's a time for self-reflection....

I've been wanting to think about my academic year as a whole...I haven't had time...I wonder if that will change what I think...well here it goes.

I've been trying to decide if it was a 'good' year or not... The year started out on the right foot with PREPARE and meeting lots of great people...especially one in particular. There were days of frisbee and soccer, studying under the trees on Libe, watching movies in apartments - it was all so much fun. Then I started to care for someone... and one, totally unexpected summer night we found ourselves holding hands and her resting her head on my shoulder. I stayed up all night that night, just amazed that it was really happening, I saw the sunrise... well not really, sort of just saw the sky get brighter. I couldn't believe what had actually happened that night for a whole week, I was living in a dream in the best sense of the phrase. That was my happiest moment of the semester... perhaps of the year. But it was only a moment. We didn't really tell anyone until a week later...and that was the last time I ate with Han. I remember exactly where Han and I ate, the lighting, what we talked about (he wanted to drop a technical writing class and join APO). It was the first time Han and I had eaten that semester together... and the last. After that he found out that we had gotten together... and he hasn't spoken to me since.... I had tried to find out if he had liked her... I didn't want something like that to happen, I was trying so hard to avoid it. Since then I've constantly asked myself is it worth losing a friend for something like that.... I think, I think that as much happiness you get from being with someone you care about, and that even though it's the other person's choice for whom she falls for, it's not worth losing a friend. If the relationship was to last forever... and of course you never know... it would be a harder decision...... but some people don't realize how painful it is to lose a friend - your best friend - after something like that. I look back on my pictures from freshman year. I see Han and I in so many fun photos together. One photo that sticks out in my mind is the one from Holi, where I took a photo of Han and I sitting together on a ledge waiting for everyone else to get done. When I see that photo I'm reminded of the comradery we had... And the photos of us flying - we had such a good time together right before he went back to Malaysia. We had spent spring break together, eating Ramen in his room and playing ping-pong and walking around campus with Roger. We had taped everyone's doors with the A-team (of which Han became (H)An).... I found out recently that Han did tell someone that he liked her.... but that person didn't tell me because Han told her not to... I wish I had known... I could've avoided losing a friend... I'm not angry at anyone, not at the person who didn't tell me, nor at Han who said it didn't matter and not to tell me... I'm just sad that I lost a friend.... It especially hurts because when I was with her I had told myself that I was going to do everything I could to make her happy... sort of in honour of Han in a way, that I didn't want our separation to have happened for nothing. But in the end, that's what happened....

Emptiness

What's wrong with me...... I feel like I lack something.... and... I'm uncomfortable with what that is....

I feel empty...quite literally. I was lying on my bed at one point and I felt like there was a hole right in the middle of my chest, like there wasn't a weight that should've been there. I don't feel loved.

I have no one to love... no one to hold close, no one to slip their hand into mine, no one to sit across from and stare into their eyes, no one to devote myself to... no one to give me a constant in life. No one to feel their touch... just a simple touch... fingertips... Just to feel fingertips on my arm, on myhand... No one that I can embrace.. I don't necessarily need one in return, but I need to give my love... I've never felt like this before... the feeling is so strong. I'm so lonely....and hollow.

Still....Quick of heart, short of breath

We pulled an all-nighter last night. Stayed awake to give PY company for her planned all nighter. We ended up being her alarm clock...lol. Anyways, we stayed awake by playing mahjong and chinese checkers. I sat across from her in both games. Her facial expression (many of which had her sticking her tongue out at weird angles), her haird that slipped from behind here ear to lay a strand across her face, and as the night/morning wore on, her scrunched up cheeks as she rested her head on her arm or hand - they all made me wish I was closer with her....that I could sit right next to her and hold her hand and just look into her eyes. She's so pretty when she's tired...idk how, but I'm drawn to her more.

I'm f****** sick and tired of my parents. They both tell me things: some lies, some truths, but I have no way to sort out which is which. And then they each blame me for supporting the other - I guess that means I'm doing a pretty good job at being neutral. But nevertheless....I'm just absolutely fed up.

Flying In Solitude

Have you ever wanted to fly? Well, not just wanted...but truly had the urge? A couple of days ago when I was walking across the field to Appel the wind was really strong and the skys were overcast. When I was walking I just wanted to have a big gust of wind take me away...anywhere...somewhere.....take my troubles away and take me far away, never to come back to this world - almost in a way like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon at the end..... I really wanted this to happen....and not in a "that would be cool" sense, but in a "I might finally be at peace" sense... Today too, I looked at the sky - it wasn't windy - and it looked like there was a hole between the layers of clouds (again it was overcast, but darker than the first time). I wished I could just suddenly disappear through the hole in the clouds. I'd leave everything behind...just so that I can find some tranquility.... A place of perpetual tranquility......

But even there I'd miss her.....

I have so much more on my mind...but not the stamina to write now......

A conversation

C: i guess she played bowling in her elegant way right..so u miss the target becoz u were focused on her elegance?
C: no offense...just joking....what did u see/feel?
Me: well besides her elegance :)
Me: idk...i've started noticng more details..... when she smiles her right dimple appears first if she doesn't smile all the way...and she makes funny faces alot....and she looks so cute when she does it (but cute not in the little kid type of way...idk, it's somehow different)...and when she squints, like this smiley >_< i just melt
....
C: icic
C: so her image of all these keep flashing in ur mind
C: yeah i know..i mean i understand how that feels
C: wow that super happy moment..when ur eyes met hers....did u melt?
Me: idk...i still feel slightly fast paced....some from the memories...some from thinking she's still closer to george (though i'm trying not to think of that....)
....
C: um...i just think ur dream is ur fear...nothing is happening yet...like u said even if anything meant to happen it will be after the summer
Me: yeah.... i'm just scared because my other premonitions come true a lot......and it felt like one of those
C: there's a saying that u fear too much to make it true

How right she is....my coach in high school used to say believe in something and you will make it true. I respected - respect him - so much for that (among other things). I lost sight of that...I need to find it in myself again.

And now I can picture that picture in my head when I go to sleep without having to look at it....I really love that picture (and that moment when our eyes met...).

An uncomfortable dream...

There's a quick snippet of a dream I had last night that I remember. We were all sitting in the main lounge talking. George was sitting 90 degrees from me in a chair (as if we were playing Mahjong). Laura came over and casually, still talking to everyone, sat in his lap, sort of like a kid being cradled, and casually put her arms around his neck. George just took it as if it was an everyday thing and continued with the conversation as if nothing had happened. That's it. That's all I remember. I woke up this morning fearing it was one of my premonitions...so I checked facebook (and xanga). My fears are put to rest, but there is still that lingering feeling of "it truly is over now." Oh well...I'm walking down to my test with her and Oreo today - that'll be nice and will hopefully clear my uneasy feelings. I'm glad for once that a dream that could've easily been a premonition hasn't come true....yet.

She sat right across from me

On the piano bench, sitting directly infront of me, our toes practically touching because the chairs were so close. She looked so pretty, knees together, hands on her thighs, sitting nicely and she just looked at me. Her eyes met mine and we sort of just smiled and laughed. It was only for a few seconds....but it was a super happy few seconds. I wish we had more of those moments. We pretended to push each other off the path on the way back from dinner - George was saying how she forced him into the post between the two doors and I made fun of her for hogging the whole road and it went from there. It was a happy day. Though for some reason...I still feel a bit sad...I don't know why. But I definitely had some happy moments today.

Random thoughts

that aren't so random.

I helped her fix Oreo's bike tire today...or at least almost fix. It's sitting outside my door, I'm letting the patch fixate before I attempt to blow it up with air. It was a good feeling spending time with her alone for 30min or so working on the tire. It took us awhile to get the tube out of the tread and the rim. She had never seen the inside of a tire before and didn't realize that it was actually two parts. So it was sort of cool getting to show her something new. I wish I could show her something new everyday. It's a good feeling. In the process of getting the tire out and trying to patch it our hands brushed many times...she has such delicate and gentle hands. They're so slender and elegant (I think I'm starting to use elegant too much...but she truly is elegant - you'd understand if you knew her). Anyways, yeah my heart sped up a bit whenever we touched.

I still think back to when she put her hands on my shoulder Monday night...I wish I had concentrated on the moment harder and remembered it more vividly. At the time I was just so happy that I didn't really think about anything else. But then again, if I had concentrated more perhaps I wouldn't have been as happy and the moment wouldn't have been so special? I guess I'm happy with what I have - I have the emotions.

Hm, I wonder what strangers who stumble upon this blog think of me. People who don't know any of the persona involved or know any background about me. How do I appear to such people? Do I come across as a guy who just doesn't know when to stop? Or do I come across as a hopeless romantic who just can't face reality? What about just a normal human being? I wonder...

I think I'll go to bed looking at that picture again so I have pleasent dreams.

If it was only the Intl Love Center for everyone...

We had our ILC banquet tonight - lots of fun and good times. The food was great, the people were awesome (of course ;-) ) and the music and performance went well ^_^. It was a fun night with everyone dressing up. Laura looked so beautiful tonight. That is - more beautiful than she usually does. She wore a nice red/maroon shirt with a thin knit white jacket and a brown/tan patterend skirt. She had on make up - usually I don't really like when girls put on make up - I feel that it hides their natural features and beauty - and well, some girls don't know when enough is enough. But this time it didn't work that way - her makeup brought out her beauty instead of quenching it. She looked so lovely. I almost wanted to tell her after that she looked really pretty tonight - but I decided it'd be better if I didn't. But in case she's somehow psychic or something like that - You looked lovely tonight. At the end of the night we took group pictures together. I was giving R my camera and then they were calling me to get into the picture quickly. It was already pretty crowded in the back where the tall people were - so I just got in front and squatted. Everyone was leaning over to get close together and into the picture - and Laura leaned down and put her hands on my shoulder left shoulder. I didn't look back at her, but I could tell that the way she did so elegantly. And sure enough, when I look at the picture she looks so elegant - just gently and perhaps even cautiously resting her hands there. My heart skipped a beat when I first felt her put her hands on my shoulder. I was wearing a suit coat so there was thickness between (unlike just a dress shirt) - but nevertheless I was so happy during that moment. And of course - her smile is so wonderful in the picture. It shows controlled happiness - but not uptightness nor excessive happiness that some people express in pictures. And when you look at her eyes and smile you see not only the above, but sincerity - you can tell she is genuinely enjoying the moment the picture is taken and is not forcing any feelings or fake expressions on her face to please the camera. She is herself - nothing more nor less. I love this picture.

Yesterday she wrote me a thank you card for the gift I gave her (along with everyone else in the group), congratulating her on a successful first year at college. It was hand designed with many of our humorous sayings that have developed amongst ourselves - that made me smile. But what I latched on to were the final lines when she told me to relax, not stress too much, and sleep (x3). The previous night we ended up talking about why I was so stressed recently and into my financial situation with my parents and my college tuition (or lack there of) and how I was worried if I could afford to stay at school. She stayed up with me until 4am talking.... I was so happy when I came back from Brunch and saw the card sitting on my desk - I had two guesses as to who it was from and I was so happy that I was right. At first I thought maybe she was starting - barely - to get feelings for me. Of course I'd think that. But then a few seconds later I realized that I was dreaming that this was not the case - she was only being kind. And how kind she is! It meant so much to me getting the card. Most people don't take the time to make a Thank You card for people they see everyday and that they say thank you to orally. But she took the time to make the card - perhaps another sign of how well she was raised and how kind, mature and elegant she is? (Elegant in this sense applying to her personality). I went up to her room later that night to thank her personally for the card. It was sort of awkward I guess because I had latched on to those last lines and sort of missed the original intention of the card when I went to thank her. "Uh..well it was a thank you for the gift." "Huh? Oh yeah, well of course. But, ..(can't remember what I said)." Needless to say - I was SO EMBARRASSED. After I came back down to my room I IMed her and tried to properly say you're welcome and to explain myself (and how I latched on to the last lines). She said that she completely understood and that it wasn't a problem. So understanding, kind to listen to me the night before, and more kind to write a card when she had work to do? Wow. Maybe you're starting to understand why I like her so much.

As much as I'm trying to keep my mind focused on reality, my inner dreamer is still trying to take off: listening to me at night + card + hands on shoulder = maybe her feelings for me have changed?? That's my hopeful side - which usually expresses itself. But this time I've been able to keep my realistic side in control - she's just soooooo kind and elegant and sincere. Either way - I sure am lucky to know her. Zhou tau!

I felt like some reinforcement....

As usual, I'm an idealist:

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

If I could tell her how I feel I'd say:

You're beautiful - everything about you is beautiful. Your long black hair, your amber eyes, your dimpled smile, your slender hands, your elegance, your laugh, your antics - everything. I love how your hair waves and flows naturally and rests on your shoulder - especially after you pull it back around year ear and brush your hand through it. I love the little strands that escape from behind your ear and dangle in front of your face - they make me wonder what lies beneath and gives you a sense of mystery. When you smile, even when you only partially smile - two little dimples form at the corners of your mouth. Just two, small, round dimples. I love those dimples. Your eyes are so serene when you're in thought, yet will just as easily flow between determination and playfulness. You're so elegant. When you kneel to pick up a dropped piece of paper, your posture as you study, when you run, when you cover your mouth when you laugh. You truly live up to your name. The day I learned what your name meant I immediately thought to myself how perfect of a name it was. You've inspired me to try and be better mannered and more elegant, you truly are a model of elegance. When I see you or am around you I feel different inside. My heart beats faster, I become short of breath, I notice little things that you do that just make me like you more. My feelings for you came on suddenly - I didn't expect them. But they've slowly grown and everyday I find something else that amazes me about you. I tell myself that you're amazing. I know I'm lucky just to have met you and become your friend. But I just couldn't keep it inside anymore, I had to let you know how I feel. I'm sorry for ruining this, I just couldn't contain myself anymore, I lost control. But I want you to know that I'm only telling you this, not expecting anything else to happen - you've already done more than enough in listening to me. But I had to let you know, and I'm sorry. And everything I've said about you - don't ever let anyone tell you or let yourself think otherwise. Because what I said is all true and not just passions of the heart.

And then I'd walk away...and let her talk to me when she felt comfortable again. I originally wrote that as the "unrestrained version" just to get my feelings out right now...but...but I think that if I ever did say anything to her it would be the above because I wouldn't be able to hold back my feelings - I don't want to lie to her when I'm attempting to tell her how I feel. I wouldn't be true to myself or to her. I know that something like this would surely damage our friendship...so I'll never do it. But a friend asked if I planned to tell her, and if not that my job was done that I couldn't worry about what more I could do because there was nothing else. Even just looking at pictures of her my heart beats faster and I get short of breath. She is so beautiful and amazing. George is such a lucky guy....though maybe the other guy in HK is such a lucky guy too....one of them will be. And I have to be honest and say that I will probably be a little jealous....I mean who wouldn't be at first when she's such an amazing (I really can't stress this enough) girl. I guess what hurts the most is that she is probably deciding between two guys and she doesn't even know that I care for her at all. I would assume she knows that George cares for her...I have no idea about the other guy. I feel like she's on the tallest pedastal while George and the other guy are on two slightly less tall pedastals of equal height. But I'm stuck way down below, not even full size but miniature, waving about and jumping trying to grab her attention to no avail. "Hey look down here! Look at me! Do you see me? At all?" She doesn't notice me. I guess that's what hurts. Maybe if she noticed that I liked her and at least acknowledged it in someway...even if its negative...I guess it could be better.... or would it? But that she doesn't notice at all....is hard. I don't know what to do to make her notice. I don't want to do anything that stands out either - which is why I guess she doesn't notice. I'm still thinking of lyrics for my song, nothing sounds too good...but I'm trying. If I ever did finish it and learned how to play guitar or paino with it, I might have the guts to sing it to her....but not out of the blue and randomly of course. I guess there would have to be something there that had potential to nurture and grow. I don't know.... Can you miss what was never lost? I've thought of scenes in my mind where she rests her head against George's shoulder...I can imagine how she'd look - so peaceful, she look as if she felt safe, as if she was right where she wanted to be. She looked so beautiful and serene. And for some reason the smell of morning dew hand soap makes me think of her.....

I really like her earrings. She doesn't wear earings that are too much, just a little dangly or studs. They fit her personality so well - playful but not overly so. She has a pair of earrings where one is a pretzel and the other is a french loaf. Shows the wacky and fun side of her personality - everything doesn't have to be symmetrical. Two days ago one of those strands of hair that attract me so was sort of split so that you could, from the side, see her eye through the different strands of hair. I just wanted to take a picture of that moment - beauty piercing through an obscuring screen. Another time she had her hair in a pony tail, but then in one movement took out her hair tie and brushed her hair to lay across her shoudler to one side. My heart skipped a beat there....I don't know why, but there's just something about her hair and how it seems to frame her face when it's by her shoudler. It's a natural portrait. She did it again tonight, though her hair was already loose. But she brushed her hand through her hair and it rested perfectly on her shoulder. I just can't stop thinking about how amazing she is.....and how lucky I am to have met her. But then I can't help thinking at the same time how I'm not enough for her. I wish I were more.

Some people say love and relationships don't make someone's life or fix problems. I agree - for the most part. I have lived a life where I've hardly felt loved by anyone. I've never had constants in my life...I move away from friends, I'm in the outskirt of friend circles, friends leave...The first relationship I was in I was at peace...I had a constant, and I was happy. Things fell apart when college started....there was no more constant. My second relationship was constant only at the beginning. But I felt that I wasn't enough - which in the end I wasn't - and so I was constantly worried of losing her - and I did. I have no constant, I feel that I'm not loved, that I'm not appreciated. I try being the best person I can possibly be, but that's not enough - I'm not good socially because of alcohol or I'm too nice. It's not in my nature to be otherwise - I constantly strive to be the best person I can be, I don't want to take a step in the wrong direction. Though I always tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me, that I just want to be the best person I can be, I think I'm lying. I wouldn't feel this way if I did. I want to be the best person I can be - but I want her to see me, make me at least full size again. Maybe even a stool to stand on would be nice. Anything. But I can't make myself compromise who I am....I can't be "less nice". Is this my fate - to be everyone's friend - the guy who's too nice and weird and too sensitive and romantic and idealistic and who doesn't have his feet on the ground. The guy who follows his feelings and heart and lets his mind only regulate? Sometimes he'll even forget about his mind. I wish I could just spill out my feelings and my heart to everyone, let everyone know who I really am, that I'm not just the happy face, that there's so much more. I bet I could show this to most of my friends and they would have no idea that I wrote it if I didn't tell them beforehand.

::sigh:: If only my heart could be filled with... If I could only say how I feel without fear. If only she knew. If only what I imagine in my dreams was reality. If only I were good enough. Can you miss what was never lost? ::sigh:: I can't distance myself, I want to be around her, I want to enjoy my moments with her. I just have to learn to live with the pain - but it will take time. I don't want to give up hope, I don't want to resign, I don't want to face reality - but at some point I'll have to. But what's there to feel for if I can't hope?

Here I am baring my soul - do you see me now?

One perfect picture

I just saw the picture I talked about yesterday, the one in the newsletter.

My mind added details that weren't there...she's standing lifting up the fire alarm with a single, slender finger (her hands are so pretty) extended, palm up, looking away and almost biting her lip (rather than mouth agape) appearing as if to feign guilty innocence..., her other hand by her side, and her hair loose, falling over her shoulders and down her back. Doesn't sound anything like the picture I described before, did it? But everything I said about her and all the aspects I described int he picture are true. Perhaps that's the picture of my mind that I've constructed from the time I've spent with her, taking little bits and pieces from every moment and trying to save them into one, perfect picture.

It's hard, but I realize that last night I forgot the most important thing - what I had written the day before. What counts - no matter what the outcome - is that I'm lucky to have met and spend time with someone like her. That I should enjoy every moment I have with her, no matter what type of moment that is. Thinking about that somehow makes things a little easier. I'll still care for her, but it'll be contained, and I'll enjoy every moment I get to spend with her.

That being said, that doesn't mean that life still isn't really hard right now.

What do I feel?

When I think of her I feel light hearted...then when I think of not being with her, which somehow leads to me not being around her - I feel heavy. Why do I feel in such ways? What am I feeling? I don't want to give up, but if it's the end......will it make pain go away? Summer please come...summer please stay away. Laura where will you go? Who will you walk with hand-in-hand, smiling up at them as you share moments together? A lucky lucky guy.....

Short of breath, quick of heart....

Short of breath, quickened heart beat - that's what I feel when I look at Laura. Shortened breath, faster heart beating, urge to cry - that's what I feel when I feel I have no chance.

She's moving a lot closer to George I think. Perhaps her liking some other guy in HK was just a rumor or perhaps the feeling has abated, but whatever it is I think I got left behind somwhere and lost my chance. I have no ill feelings towards either of them, just introverted feelings, questions, and mild frustration. Not at any person, but rather at the situations I find myself in, the situations I place myself in. I put myself in lose-lose situations and I hope for the outcome to be positive when I should know better. I do it to myself...it's so painful. I'll miss her..in some way..even though she'll still be there, but at the same time I think they would make a great couple. I've thought so from the beginning.

Am I resigning to early? There's no proof, there's no evidence. Its just my gut feeling I guess...they seem to interact a lot better now than before. It's ok, they're both happy - and that's what really counts in the end - my friends' happiness, anybody else's happiness. Can't it be right - in general - to sacrifice one for the two when all three for sure cannot be saved? ::sigh:: I guess I'm not resigned yet...but I hurt and I wonder if I should just to end it.......but it's so hard. Just sitting in the lounge for a little doing homework, sitting on the couch while she sat across the room with everyone else the four tables pushed together. She was so pretty sitting there doing her work, poised, hair back in a ponytail but coming to lay in front of her right shoulder. I had trouble concentrating on my own work when I looked at her, I would forget the conversation I was trying to recite when I glanced her direction. Short of breath, quick of heart....

Not to mention this is (way back now-->) her birthday...I guess it adds to my sadness. Like I always say, the feelings never leave completely.

Flutter butterflies flutter

Eating dinner tonight, I thought of what my friend (same one as quoted below) said about understanding my feelings towards the little things I see in Laura. She mentioned having butterflies when you're with the person. Being with Laura and Co. tonight at dinner I thought about what she said last night, about enjoying every moment with her. As I thought about that and looked at Laura the butterflies fluttered about like there was no tomorrow. I suddenly got really happy just being there watching her talk with other people. She was being herself: acting wacky, making funny facial expressions (which I die for - especially the smiles that follow them), poking fun at people here and there, being poked fun at, all the while still maintaining her beautiful elegance. I noticed the slim strands of hair that escaped from behind her ear or from her back and that rested on her shoulder, her lips, there was something about them but for some reason they stood out to me tonight, and once again I fell for those small dimples that dot her cheeks when she smiles. There's a picture of her in our dorm magazine, the International Enquirer, for the "Most Eligible Bachelorette" page. I think that picture sums up (though not entirely) her personality: she's lifting the cover of a firealarm barely, hand poised as if daintily picking up piece of silverware, while she looks up to the left, away from the fire alarm, eyes wide open, mouth agape and her other hand moving to cover her mouth, feigning guilt. At the same time her posture shows her poise and confidence while her tied-back hair shows a level of practicality. Well, at least that's what I see.

And about those butterflies: I had a pretty full stomach so my insides didn't really want to budge (I didn't want to budge) but those butterflies were still pushing around a lot of mass because I definitely felt them.
so they must've been fluttering pretty hard ;-).

What is love?

i just think these moments of noticing her in her details is always very sweet....not to forget u see sth this beautiful...no matter what hapepn in the future~~

One of my friends said this to me tonight in reference to Laura. It really made me stop a moment and think. I really am lucky to have run across a person like this (or anyone previous). Anyone is lucky to have run across a person they care about - deeply or otherwise - at some point in their lives. No matter what the outcome of meeting that person was, you had found someone special, unique. Out of the billions of people in the world, you ran across someone who, for some reason, meant more to you than all the other hundreds of thousands of people you'll see in your life time. We shouldn't worry about whether s/he cares for you in the same way or if it's only to be a friendship. None of that matters, all that matters - if you truly care - is that you are around the person and that you (please forgive my cliché-ness) cherish every moment you're with them. No matter what happens in the future. And perhaps it is this thought that will help some of us continue past - but never forget - difficult times in our lives. Perhaps it is this thought that will allow some of us to live our lives to the fullest. Perhaps.

I went to a friend's Chorale concert tonight. It premiered a - imo - very diverse and great piece of music as a finale to this year's Chorale group in which the conductor is resigning. At the end, the Tenor section leader gave a small speech recognizing the composer of the piece who was attending. After which, he began to talk about the conductor. By the end of his speech both he and the conductor were in tears. (I actually felt a little teary myself watching them). There were two grown men on stage, being watched by a couple hundred people, emotions laid bare. They were crying for how much they respected, cared for, and loved each other. Yes - loved. It was clear to me - and I'm sure to most audience members - that there was a deep bond between the two of them. Most people seem to forget that you can love without romantic interest. If someone asks you, "What do you think of when you think of 'love'?" - how would you respond? I would be guilty of saying the first thing that came to my mind - romantic love between two people in which there is attraction beyond friendship, where there is physical attraction, where there is a sense of wanting to spend long - infinite - periods of time with the person. The long-walks-on-the-beach type of love. But there is that love that exists between friends - man/man, woman/man, woman/woman - in which there is only deep caring for each other without the additional attributes of romantic love. People say "I love you," to their family members - but obviously (well 99.9% of the time) they don't have a romantic attraction. Close friends will love each other as well. In each of these cases love does not constitute romanticism, but perhaps something more? I don't know, I'll leave that up to you to decide. It's always amazing to see things that we all know in the back of our mind played out before us, giving us something to think about, and giving us an additional perspective of the world.

Has the word love lost its meaning overtime? Is it thrown around haphazardly? I may have been guilty of this at times in my past. When does deeply caring for someone turn to love? "You will know," they say - but how? Is love innate? Love is, afterall, a word made to describe a feeling. But does it do it justice? The feeling itself is so complicated, so many variables, so many different perspectives between individuals. Is love a universal concept or individual? As defined is it a conglomeration of individual interpretations of the feeling? Perhaps its safer to forget about the definition of love - any type of love. Rather, let the feeling speak for itself, don't rely on people telling you "you're too young to know what love is" or similar. Perhaps that feeling evolves as we grow older - and with it our definition. Well, I guess that's all I have to say on that.

And to end, a final thought that I will fall asleep thinking of and which sparked my friend's comment:
i can't get over her smile...even when she's barely smiling two little dimples form.....and when she smiles and tilts her head to the side (usually when she's joking about something)...:: sigh::

Catching up

I came back from Asia Night early today, disappointed that I couldn't stay and spend time with Laura and everyone else (and yes I do mean and everyone else), because I had to do research. When I was outside RPCC a mixed couple came out (guy caucasian, girl asian)...Don't ask me why, but I've tended to notice mixed couples more these days. Maybe because I see myself in them? I've always wondered what I looked like or what people thought of me when I had an asian girlfriend. Did people automatically assume I was a victim of "yellow fever"? Which I'm not). Did they just see another couple? (Hopefully another happy one...at the time). Anyways, the point of this is not that they were a mixed couple. But when they were coming out the guy said something and the girl laughed and smiled and sort of tugged his hand a little. The guy smiled momentarily, but then a split second later his face looked emotionless...or perhaps, more so to the extreme - sad. I didn't understand it at all. It wasn't even as if his smile faded into a stern expression, it seemed so sudden. A sudden and immediate jump from happy to sad (or whichever emotion/lack of emotion it was). Why would he feel that way to change expressions so quickly? The girl was still smiling and giddy as they walked by. Was everything ok between them? Did he have something on his mind? Do I change my expressions so quickly? Is it something natural? Does it show how he (or I) truly feel? But nevertheless, it was good seeing a happy couple (and stepping back a topic) - a happy mixed couple (perhaps reminding me of happier times?).

On Thursday I woke up and didn't have time to sit and think and write, but I jotted this down really quickly in notepad before I went to school so I'd at least have some record of my thoughts:

feel lonely, lost, like i had lost my last chance in this world to
attain happiness. I missed her so much, i was confused, restless - I
slept VERY restlessly. i didn't know what to do. i don't want to feel
that way if something happens. i kept telling myself (in my dream) that
i was happy for her because she was happy, but the pain sunk in still.
why did i react that way? is this one of my premonitions? i hope not..
i really hope not. i don't want to feel that way...

This was in reference to a dream I had the night before. I can't remember specifics anymore, but it had to do with Laura being with someone else, but not George. I don't know what to think...do you? I can pass it off and say "it's a result from all this stress I'm under". Which, it could be - like I said I tend to channel stress into sadness - but I don't think that's everything, not even a majority. Or perhaps I just don't want to make such a claim. I don't know.....All I know is that I care about her a lot and I wish there was more I could do for her to make her happy. I guess the fact that she doesn't notice me outside of friendship makes it more difficult....but I mean that's bound to happen. Why do I always have so much more trouble dealing with things like this than most guys? Am I too idealist and romantic? (Which I know I definitely can be at times). Am I overly sensitive? (Which, I'm a very sensitive person, but I don't get jealous...). But then again, I don't think I was feeling jealousy in my dream. My feelings weren't directed outward at anybody, but rather inward. I didn't consider the actions of others, I just considered the current state and where my position in it was. Does that constitute jealousy? I don't know. All I know is that I care for her, and that's what counts.

I had a fortune cookie today: "Your dearest dream will come true." Will it really? I can always hope and wish upon a star...(and yes, I do that).

"Alone tonight, just like the western star I'm sinking. The angels cursed me blind with straight and crooked thinking."

And feelings are becoming more clear

It's amazing. The more I look at her, trying to discern her features, her personality, the more I realize how extremely special she is. Whoever takes her hand and shows her happiness is by far the luckiest man (or at least one of the luckiest) in the world. There are two things that strike me about her the most. The first, is her hair. Typically tied up in a ponytail....I've always had a thing for ponytails. I don't know why. But it's not just that it's in a ponytail. It's the way it falls over her shoulders and back. It seems to naturally want to wave and curl in all the right places. And there's always that strand or two that falls perfectly over her face that she brushes behind her ear whenever it falls out of place. Though I think it's place is right there, hanging over her eyebrow, hiding just enough of her face to make you want to reach out and brush it back yourself to see what beauty is underneath.

What else strikes me about her is her poise. She is quite honestly the most elegant person I have ever met. From her quick little skips to catch up or get ahead, to her posture while studying, to her refined table etiquette, she is hands down the most elegant person I know - she lives up to her name (even though she says otherwise). I'm awestruck everytime I see her, you just can't miss her elegance when you're around her.

If you combine the above with her personality - which is fun-loving, wacky, and sincere - her intelligence, her diligence, her humour, her dimpled smile (which I love), her sometimes-clumsiness - you find yourself with an amazing girl. One which tugs on your heartstrings when you glance at her over dinner or while studying. One named Laura.

And in case you're confused..this is the first girl.

I wanted to write some thoughts I had today about alcohol...I don't know why but I god really sad thinking about it, it had to do with Laura and alcohol at Slope Day. I hate seeing or hearing about people get drunk...it hurts.

Ok...I guess I'll save that for when I think of it next...

Omg...maybe I'm not so sure....

So I was upstairs earlier talking with the first girl I like.....I'm still attracted to her. Maybe I'm just trying to say I'm attracted to only one girl so that my mind doesn't have to deal with swinging in the middle and can give itself a solid foundation to stand on. It certainly makes it hard to interpret one's feelings if they're constantly swinging.... But I think I'm in a state of liking two girls simultaneously... Are they both sincere? Or are they both because my mind/body/heart feels like it needs to fill in a void that was left behind? I know the first girl better than I do the second...perhaps this is why I find myself keep coming back to her? I'll give myself some time to get to know this new girl better. I mean, I've known her since last year, but not closely. Maybe if I can spend more time with her and get to know her personality better I will start being pulled closer or pushed away. Or perhaps enough time will pass and I'll realize this is all a desperate effort to fill a hole in my life and that none of it is sincere. I'll give it time. (I just wish I had more of it.)

Do I really?

I've still been trying to think about my feelings the past few days. I've seen both (ok...I think it's time I figure out a better way of differentiating) of the girls who I think I might like.....I'm definitely feeling stronger towards the new person. But...I don't know if I'm annoying her lately....I have a tendency to want to talk with someone a lot when I start getting to know them better - and it's even worse if I start to get to know them better and I start to like them. I need to stop that. What a great way to get off on the right foot, right? I was excited about eating dinner with her tonight - we usually eat after our wednesday meetings, but she went to West to eat with her roomie. Makes sense - her roomie just got back Tuesday night from a conference. It actually seems that she's not as talkative now as she was when we were working on stuff together a couple of weeks ago. Maybe this is a stressful time for her? I know it is for me...I should be working on a midterm right now. I just don't have the motivation to start it. I've been trying to write lyrics to a song lately. It's a lot harder than it seems - especially because I don't play guitar or piano so I can't test chords and such. I don't even know the melody I would like (partly because of the above). Sometimes a melody will come to my head while I'm walking between classes, but I'll forget it by the end of the day. I find the lyrics that come to my head first are always very obvious...nothing creative. Nothing poetic. Nothing meaningful. I want them to have meaning. I want them to be something special. So pretty much all I've written is crap. I'm thinking of writing a poem first, and then pulling things from that and formulating a song. I tend to do better when I write poetry. I was reviewing some of my old poems I used to write. Some of them were slap-you-over-the-head-with-a-dull-object obvious, but others, I feel had deeper meaning. (Could be writer's pride at work though.) If I could find it in me to write like that again.

And if your'e wondering, I hope I could bring a smile to your face with the picture of the bunny. I actually had the crazy idea this afternoon to go out and buy a giant bunny costume, and one day, when it's warm and people are outside lounging about between classes, wear it and walk around campus. Don't go to classes that day but just walk around campus and through random classes. Why? To see how many people I can make smile that day. Sometimes if somebody's day is going bad all they need is enough of a push to smile, just a little push. I think a giant bunny rabbit costume could do that. Maybe I can touch some people in that way. Just one day of walking around doing nothing but trying to make people smile. Maybe I'll do that.