Lyrics

These are some lyrics that I've thought up as I walk around and as I lie in bed. Usually the best ones come to me naturally as I just try singing, but I can never remember them. But these, maybe a bit cheesy (and ignore the grammar), have stuck in my head:

If I were a star,
Shining high up in the sky,
I'd fall onto the Earth,
Just to be by your side.

And if I were your star,
Over the ocean blue,
I'd do everything I can,
To make your dreams come true.
---
I just lie awake,
As I lie in my bed, and I just stare up at my cieling - oh yeeah.
Thoughts go 'round in my head and I just wonder what you're thinking - ooh.

Cheesy....but oh well. I personally like the star metaphor...

And these are the lyrics to Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. I really recognzie some of my feelings that I have now and that I've had in the past in this song.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

No one is here...

I think I'm annoying her... I don't know what I'm doing... I have this scare that secretly she and George are already together and they're just not telling me about it. Everyone else knows, but not me. I would rather know... I would rather know that she's happy with someone else. At least I would know she's happy. I have a feeling that I'm going to have bad dreams tonight.

I wish I had more opportunities to show her how I care. If you ever feel the time is right... please tell her. I'm too afraid to damage our friendship to do anything. But I hate keeping my feelings bottled up inside. This is very strange I know, but I occasionally get the urge to brush back those stray strands of hair that fall across her forehead. Of course I would never do that... but it shows my state of mind. I really care about her... and I'm not even sure the people who I talk to even understand... Most people think I'm weird when it comes to my feelings towards other people... they haven't lived the life I have and, luckily, don't know how it feels not to feel.

And she disappears without saying a word... a word of thanks.... a word of laughter... a word of acknowledgement. Does she know I'm here?

One teardrop

These past few days I've been near crying... but nothing has pushed me to the edge... I almost want to be pushed over the edge. I want something to happen that lets me release all my feelings, all my emotions into one tirade of tears. I want to release all my troubles in life through those drops of water. All my sorrows open to the world to see, reflected in the tears streaming down my face. I stared up at the sky tonight as it rained, letting the rain run down my face... they're my tears for now.

Yet Another Dream

I can't remember this one as well as the others, but it was happier.

The location was very abstract...there was a river, forests, small town...it could've been anywhere. I can't remember much, but I do remember that at one point she and I were walking together and talking and she sort of hesitantly reached for my hand. She eventually gingerly held my hand and I was really surprised. I asked, "When did this happen? Are you sure??" [implying was she sure that was what she wanted], I was totally surprised. She was hesitant in her reply so I released my hand and said something like, "If you're not sure it's ok, I understand..." But she shook her head and more confidently reached for my hand again and said, "It'll be alright." I was really happy, but at first was unsure of myself. I remember that our hands were held by our fingers, not palm-to-palm (if you can picture that). We kept walking...out of this old town of sorts, along a river. From here it gets really scattered...maybe we met some people but didn't want them to know that we were sort of together? I remember getting on an old truck and driving it fast to get away from people. It was not like they were chasing us and we were running from them. But it was more of a feeling of escape and being free and released from burdens. It was raining or something and we went off the road below a bridge next to the river, still driving. We thought we could get across the water, but the truck got halfway or so? And then somehow we were on the other side? I can't really remember much.

Anyways, I woke up and realized that I slept through my alarm...actually turned off my alarm in my sleep. And got up to work at ungodly hours of the night/morning...

All of my dreams recently have had this common theme... I guess it's pretty major in my subconcious (I could say that conciously too). I just wish the nicer ones could come true...I wish the one about the kitchen could come true. I saw her yesterday for like 1 minute right after class, and that was it. I wish I saw her more, I really liked how she looked that day (more so than usual). She was wearing the black skirt I really like. It's a great example of her style...simple, yet elegant. Haven't seen her (or other people) in awhile. They went to get pearl tea tonight... I thought they would tell me if they were going to go still because it was raining... I guess not. :(

Where is everyone?

I'm lonely.

Another dream

This one - not so happy.

It was sort of a random storyline or "a day in the life of" type of dream. The types where they're no real clear point, it just seems like you're dreaming of your everyday life. I guess you could say lots of dreams are like that, but this is contrastive to my previous strange dream - I had a goal in that dream. Like I felt there was somewhere I really wanted to go, but I couldn't get there (that water barrier). This one was just aimless. Anyways, I dreamed that I was in a house living with everyone - probably came up because they're talking about moving to apartments next year (and I'm left out). I didn't see anyone else in the house, it was just implied or I already knew subconciously that I was living with them. The house was situated among some random trees, not tropical, but not like ithaca trees. It was on a hill on an island, and the back of the house faced the sea. I'm not sure if it was a direct cliff or just a steep slope, but there wasn't anything between the house and the sea. The only location that comes to mind that might have inspired this is Cheung Chau, the island that she lives on, and thus where I stayed this summer when I visited HK. It was really sunny and there were other houses nearby, again like Cheung Chau. I started inside the house I think, then went outsdie when I saw two people run by carrying a soccer ball and cleats. They were running to the soccer court that was below the house - just like the one in Cheung Chau. I ran outside to see who it was and it was Jeremy and Vincent (I remember thinking - why the heck is Vincent in this dream?? I haven't seen him in a long time and we've pretty much only known each other through soccer - last fall only.) I shouted something down at them, Jeremy threw the ball up, I threw it back, or something like that, and that was the end. I turned and walked back towards the house (which was pretty much like right there) and then she walked out. She had her backpack on and I even remember she was wearing a brown shirt (I think I know which one it would've been) and jeans. I was about to ask her to wait for me so we could walk together - I even called her name out - but then I had the thought that I hadn't gotten ready yet, that she would have to wait for me. So I just said nevermind. But she gave me an exasperated look, didn't say anything, and turned her back and walked away. And that's all I saw of her that morning...her exasperated look and her back, both of which I caused. It wasn't a good feeling. I was hoping to be able to walk (to wherever) with her, but then all I see is her back as she walks away from me. I went back into the house to get ready and noticed how messy it was. The day was perfect outside, but inside the house was a mess, and she just walked away from me....Then I woke up. And realized that I had slept the entire night when I was supposed to sleep only 30 min. So with no work done, no breakfast, and the after effects of a bad dream, I quickly got ready and ran to class and a prelim.

I'm still holding on to that moment that hasn't happened yet. I'm holding on to the hopes that it will happen. I just wish I had more time to let it happen.

There's one song that I really like, actually (here comes my nerdy side) it's from my favorite anime. It's called "I'm a Pioneer". It's supposed to be about space exploration, but I've always felt close to the song. I guess because for me, the song and the anime itself are places of escape for me. I've always gone back to them when I just can't take it anymore. At home I would watch it to take me away from my family, and the song reminds me of the series so that I feel like I've been taken away, out into space, care free and having nothing to worry about. But at the same time, I know that as long as I knew there was someone out there that I cared about, I still wouldn't be happy. I'm stuck in that paradox...it gets so frustrating but the only way chance for me to be happy is to remain frustrated.

"Not happy to hide your big dreams anymore
You are a pioneer, the same as me"

Chasing Cars

Again, I felt like doing nothing at all today....I couldn't concentrate on anything, all I could do is sit and listen to music and stare off into space. I couldn't even put my head on my desk because I wrenched my back last night (ouch). I've realized that there's a connection with when I feel like this - it's whenever I run into a large wall related to her. Actually, I'm 99% sure that if I look back at other times I've felt like this I'll see that it always happened when I hit a wall related to someone who I really cared about it. It definitely happened to the nth-degree when Duck and I separated (for a whole week...). I guess this shows how much my life is built up around the people I care about. And in particular, that one person I care about even more. It's probably wrong for my life to be structured like this, but I guess that's just who I am, that's my personality. Like the surveys say - I'm an idealist and a romantic - a tough combination to live with. Although, I have learned how to curb my expressed romanticism some for the sake of making the other person more comfortable (but it doesn't mean I don't think about things like that). It definitely comes out in my dreams though.

A few days ago I had a completely strange dream:

Me: i can remember bits and pieces, but i remember at one point we were talking and then suddenly laura and george started placing their fingers together and finally held hands
Me: and laura was really really happy
Me: oh wait, before that she had sort of sidled over to me and it felt like she was going to grab my hand, but then the above
Me: i looked at george like "oh when did this happen?" and i can't remember what he did, but it was something she wasn't happy with because she suddenly said something like "well there are still guys who are ____ in this world" (something like chivalrous, but not really) and came to me and grabbed my hand and george looked mad.... (why do my dreams always make a bad impression of george :( :( :()
Me: we started walking back (we were on central i guess? somewhere by day hall i think...) and then i ended upgoing through goldwin smith "like i usually do"...except gs wasn't gs...it was like a passage way through this tunnel/cave and there were two sides separted by a wall and u could either swim underneath the wall in the water, or u can go through a door (a door!??)
Me: and when we went down it was strangely cold, so we decided not to swim and went through the door ( i guess i usually swam??) and the otherside was like a pretty view of an ocean and beach, and it looked warm, but it was still cold. and usually you climb down rocks to get to the beach (which is the other side of goldwin smith - like where you'd exit) but there was too much water from the cold (ice?) melting...so you couldn't get down
Me: so we had to go back
Me: and then random skipping [in the dream], i was walking my dog (or at least it looked like my dog), on central by uris, but there was like a small stadium thingy next to it and there were people going to a funeral there (i'm thinking this came about because i read about steve irwin's final farewell today)
Me: and i grabbed my dog to make sure she didn't make any ruckus, but when i got close they were having a solemn exhibition of american football in honor of the person who died...and they sort of just asked me to join, it was like 4 people and the guy on my team was really
Me: and i was reluctant because "she would get mad if i get dirty" or something weird like that
Me: but the big g uy was like "it'll be ok, this is for an important reason", and so i 'played'...this like walking game of football....
Me: and the 'field' was really muddy.
Me: and then i got my dog and left...and woke up (or can't remember more)

Overall, I felt happy when I woke up. It was strange, but happy. But I don't know why I dream like this...it's the second dream I've had in which George was evil-ish. He's anything but. I'm sorry thinking like that, George. A day or two before that I had a much shorter and simpler dream. I was in the kitchen with her cooking dinner or something. And we were staning next to each other facing the sink working on washing the dishes or cooking (like there was a second burner where the sink was or something). But we were just standing close together concentrating on cooking. And she just slowly leaned and rested her head against my shoudler. And the strange thing was, I didn't see this from the first person view, but I saw this from behind. I saw myself and her standing there, and her put her head against me. That was it, that was my dream. I wish a dream like that, one that's realistic, could come true.

I screwed up last night. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked at the intl dinner. She really was amazing... I told her later that she was very beautiful... it didn't go over well. She was very awkward about it...not what I had hoped. I had hoped that I'd be able to compliment her. She deserved to be complimented, especially if no one had done so already - whether it would've been Oreo or George. She said that she almost didn't wear the dress because she didn't want to stand out. What she doesn't understand is that no matter what, she always stands out. I know for a fact I'm not the only person who thinks that - I can name two more for sure. She will always stand out, she's that amazing - especially to me.

Add more oil...

Why does no one encourage me? All I need is a little encouragement, someone to tell me that even though what I'm doing is hard, that they think I can do it. How about a "good luck" without the sigh of "you're going to need it." It feels like people look down on me because I'm doing so much. Maybe they think that I think I'm better than them because of it. Do you think I really want to be in this situation? Even outside of my academics... I cook on Friday and Saturdays because it gives me the time to make something special for you guys. You have the "thrown together" meals 5/7 days of the weekm can't I make you both something special? Something that takes more time? I'm sorry that it's been late lately...I'll start cooking earlier. But can't I still make you something special? I almost started crying when you said that I do too much and shouldn't cook like that. Why can't I do something special for you? I just want to do something special...something to make your lives a little better.

When will someone say, "You can do it," instead of, "You can't do it"? When will someone believe in me?

Thank you to you who tells me to add more oil...you're the only one who's encouraged me.

It's that time of year again. People are planning where they'll be living off campus next year. Choosing what friends to live with, where they'll stay, how fun it will be to cook together, hang out together, study together, eat together, be able to live by themselves and with people they love hanging out with. Sounds like so much fun - and I bet it is... I'm just excluded from it all. It's not their fault that I don't know if I'll be at Cornell next year. And even though I'm not involved with the choosing of houses, it still feels like I've been completely forgotten... That they're only thinking of how much fun it will be next year with each other - but not with those people who aren't there. Will they remember me when I leave - if I leave? Or will they say, "Yeah he was a good guy that lived in the same building as us." Will they say even that? It's so sad to once again not be included in any planning on having fun the next year with friends... Anything that has to do with timing in my life is always horribly, horribly wrong. Same thing happened last year to me... What if I stay at Cornell? Would they have time to see me because I'm not living with them? What type of friend do they consider me as? I know at first they looked at me as the "scary" upperclassman, but now? Am I still only a friendly mentor? Am I the guy who likes to think he's their friend, but is too busy to hang out enough to truly be a friend? I wish I could live with them next year and share in their memories. There's so much I've missed out on in college life. I wish I could do it over again. I wish timing could be better for me...

On a happier note, two of my friends got engaged last week. I was fairly shocked. It's something I could've seen happening in the future, but not so soon. Congratulations you guys. One of my other friends (who was probably the first to know) is super excited and has already started "planning" the wedding. If you knew her personality you'd completely understand, lol (the type that goes into stores to try on wedding dresses for the heck of it :p). I'm really happy for my friends, they've found someone they care about enough to commit so strongly to the long-term. They're not planning on getting married for a couple of years (grad school and such), but they're willing to commit, which is a huge task. I have major respect for them for that. They join the 70% of Cornell couples who pull through it all and go on to marry each other.

I have always hoped I'd find someone here that I would create such a strong bond with. But my time has run out, and my plans are so uncertain for the future that I don't think anyone would want to make any sort of short-term commitment...and not that I'd want just a short term commitment. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find someone once I leave undergrad... I'm not sociable enough to meet someone outside of school. I don't think I could make myself do the "testing the waters" thing with dating... it sort of comes off as strange to me (I always thought that if you were dating someone that meant you were gf/bf). And because of that I can't just approach a stranger. That's why I always try to get to know someone better by becoming a friend, to see who they truly are. People dating are always trying to impress (or in some cases, deter) the other, it's not a true representation of who they are - only what they want the other person to see them as. I guess I'm just old fashioned...and behind the times...my loss.

I wonder if my friends realize how much I care for them. How much they mean to me. Somehow I don't imagine they do... They say I'm too nice... only to people who I care about (and even so I don't think you can be "too nice"). They say (well some say) I'm too busy to have a relationship...but they don't know how hard I try to give my time to those that I care about - especially those who I have stronger feelings for beyond friendship. I'm going to miss them all so much when I leave (if I leave...), but I'd still make every effort I could to come visit them. Would they try to visit me? I hope they do... I care for you all so much. I care for you so much.

Do they realize?

Aren't friends supposed to realize when something is wrong? Why does no one notice? Not like I'd be able to explain my feelings...but still... I'm NOT TIRED.

Lovestruck by lightning

It feels and looks beautiful, yet hurts at the same time.

In Japan I learned to appreciate the little things in life. To take that extra moment to gaze at the sunset, to look at the people around you, to feel the texture of the tree bark - to spend time truly absorbing what I experience in my everyday life. To pause, as the Archie put it, to take that extra moment to see - that's what life is about.

But even so, I believe that it is hard to appreciate these little things without one thing that is necessary in everyone's life. And as the song so says: everybody needs somebody to love. Without that, there is forever a tangible emptiness inside each person. A part of you, a place that is not necessarily for receiving, but rather for giving. When bottled up it turns rotten, decaying the person it is held within. But when it is released, it suddenly flourishes and grows, becoming something far more than it was in the womb called ourself. At the same time, having somebody to love doesn't just mean having someone you care about...you have to be able to express your love to that person. Otherwise your feelings will decay and you would be eaten away from the inside. But the problem is that this means the person would have to be receptive to your feelings...which if you're lucky enough means you won't have a problem with any of this. But if not... I've learned that the small things are great to appreciate in life, but that the prerequisite to truly appreciate them is love. Without love your mind is preoccupied, you wish you could show the person you care about these small things you see and notice. But they don't have the same effect on you as they would if you had love. Because when you have love you'd be willing to give up these amazing things of life for that one person, because that one person means more to you than all of this. That's the difference...and the paradox. With love you can truly appreciate the significance of the small things of life. But without love your mind is too preoccupied with what it would be like with love that you cannot comprehend its significance. But at the same time with love you'd be willing to give up those small things because you know that you will always have that person to turn to, to love and care about. That, when you have that person, everything else comes off as so trivial. But without love, without love you can't give up the small things, because they are the only thing that remind you how beautiful the world is, even if it is painful in one way or another...

I just don't know what to do anymore... My time is so short, I just can't show her how I feel, I'm afriad I'll never have the chance... That my feelings will decay and die inside of me, bringing me down with it... I'm so close to her... yet it feels so far away. am I destined to forever be lonely? Am I destined to sacrifice myself so that I can make others happy and never truly find my own happiness? I know where I'd find my happiness...in love. I have none of it anywhere else in my life. But I always end up finding love that is never reciprocated...or love that is short lasted.... when will that change? Soon? With her? I don't know what else there is anymore.