I was supposed to eat lunch with her today...I didn't. She was going to eat in Oakenshields with ...I think it was Yuan Xiang and Huang Yu. I couldn't spare a meal...and I didn't want to make one of them bonus me. I try not to take things from other people when I can avoid it. And if I do take something, I like to have a way of reciprocating. But...I didn't get to eat with her...but I saw her again. After just over two months I finally saw her again. I didn't know what to expect when I saw her. Would I still have that flutter in my heart? Would I feel nothing and consider myself liking her as a friend and nothing more? Whatever I thought I'd feel...I didn't think I'd feel how I did. Standing in line at Cascadelli - I was about to cry. Just seeing her, and exchanging a few sentences with her face to face...I don't know why. But somehow that brought up the urge for me to cry. I was quite close to it to. I could feel tears welling up inside my eye before they come streaming down. I was prepared to just walk straight to the bathroom if I started to cry. I didn't expect to feel like that....I miss her...I didn't realize I still missed her like that. (If that's the reason why I wanted to cry. And yes, it was a sad cry). I'm going to go sleep and ponder what's wrong with me....
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
What if Cupid used a sniper rifle?
That's what we thought of last night while drawing on the chalkboard...wouldn't that be awesome? Commando Cupid to the rescue. In case you're wondering how it came up it started when PY asked why he used an arrow - and I said because they didn't have guns back then. It went from there :p. And we decided that Cupid with a musket wouldn't work because he would always miss and no one would fall in love. Hence Commando Cupid: Sniper Edition took shape (drawings complete with Matrix-bullet-time-dodging citizen).
First - a genuine Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.
And now - the thoughts:
I'm tired...so very tired.........We had a secret valentine thing organized amongst some friends. I thought it would be fun so I took part. But it was so hard for me to figure out what to do... I didn't want to do something 'usual' and traditional - e.g. chocolates and flowers. Other people were doing scavenger hunts, and I didn't have any music I could burn for Pamela (not to mention Lukas already did that). So I tried to make a 3D-sudoku....it's impossible to do that with paper and pencil. You need to have a computer program and algorithms to figure it out for you....trust me....I tried....really, really hard. So I resorted to making (or trying to make) a sudoku-themed wallpaper for her computer.....it was horrible. I was so tired so I couldn't concentrate on it and I couldn't get any creative juices flowing....at 3am. Then I tried working on it more when I got back from class this afternoon....and then I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. Even if it did turn out how I had envisioned it, it would have still been an extremely stupid gift. Suddenly it felt like my whole day fell apart, that nothing would go right (it definitely started out on the wrong foot by missing my alarm and missing a class. Also not to mention I missed an important CUSat meeting yesterday....yeah...brilliant Andrew).
But anyways I suddenly felt overwhelmingly stressed....and then...sad. I started thinking about her (not Pamela) again... how I had ideas for what to do for her on Valentine's Day when we were still together. I could use those idea's for Pamela's gift - those ideas came to me for a specific person, I can't just use them for anybody. But I missed her. Usually Valentine's Day doesn't bother me at all - I'm not one of those anti-Cupid people who think valentine's day is evil for all single people. But today, I didn't feel bitter, but I felt sad that I didn't have anyone...I wanted to tell her Happy Valentine's Day...but I think it would've been awkward for her. I wanted to tell it to her as a friend....because I think that's all we'll ever be now :(. Andres and I have talked a lot to each other about what it means to 'move on' (I still don't like that phrase)...We both seem to be able to live our lives...but then something triggers a memory or a feeling and we swing back....I guess that will happen for awhile to come. But anyways...I started feeling sad - not just about her, but about life. I felt like nothing was coming together for me anymore when at the beginning of the year it felt as if everything was perfect. My parents want me to come back during Spring Break....I hope they don't make me go back...I don't want to have to split my time between them for one week and have to deal with it then be thrown back into the midst of school again. It feels like my life is falling apart.
I don't know why...usually I can write what I feel and get it out and make it clear...but tonight...the above doesn't seem clear at all...it doesn't seem to give justice to how I'm feeling...It's not so straightforward as the above issues make it seem I guess. Maybe there are somethings I'm still trying to figure out...Do you know why I don't get stressed? I think I realize that I have discrete levels of stress - one side is a little bit of stress that I can handle no problem and just go on with my life and be happy and hyper with friends. The other side is huge amounts of stress which make me feel like my life is falling apart (like today). But it doesn't stay as stress for me...I think I channel that stress into sadness....I start to think about things that used to be...or that I wish could be but probably won't...I guess that's the main reason why I didn't go up to share our secret valentine identities tonight. Part of it was, yes, I was embarrassed at how lame my gift was (if I can find the time I want to come up with something else and do something for Pamela that's better than just that lame wallpaper). But the other part was that I just felt like being alone again. Isn't that wierd...when you think I'd need friends the most I just want to be alone. I'm all backwards. I guess I've just had no where to turn to for most of my life. <--- OK...so I'm leaving this in...because I wrote it, but then I thought about it and I see how untrue it is because I've always had my friends in Cali. So I've had people I can turn to, do I sometimes try to portray my life a little harder than it actually is?? I don't want to do that....that's like putting up a facade just like my mom - what I spend my life trying to avoid.
But anyways...yeah I was super-stressed today....probably due to the added pressure of getting something for valentine's day which in itself brought up memories and feelings which in turn turned into some sort of stress which turned into sadness. At one point I just wanted to leave the dorm and go find a place of solitude outside on the fields or behind the obersvatory and just sit and stare at the sky and wish things would get better. I thought about crying to. I wasn't as close to it as I was in the past...but I thought about it and felt like I probably could've if I thought about the things that make me want to cry.....But anyways....today was a bad day....probably half of it caused because of the things we did for Valentine's Day and half just because things weren't going well to begin with (starting actually with Monday). But nevertheless,
Happy Valentine's Day people (which was officially yesterday now).
First - a genuine Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.
And now - the thoughts:
I'm tired...so very tired.........We had a secret valentine thing organized amongst some friends. I thought it would be fun so I took part. But it was so hard for me to figure out what to do... I didn't want to do something 'usual' and traditional - e.g. chocolates and flowers. Other people were doing scavenger hunts, and I didn't have any music I could burn for Pamela (not to mention Lukas already did that). So I tried to make a 3D-sudoku....it's impossible to do that with paper and pencil. You need to have a computer program and algorithms to figure it out for you....trust me....I tried....really, really hard. So I resorted to making (or trying to make) a sudoku-themed wallpaper for her computer.....it was horrible. I was so tired so I couldn't concentrate on it and I couldn't get any creative juices flowing....at 3am. Then I tried working on it more when I got back from class this afternoon....and then I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. Even if it did turn out how I had envisioned it, it would have still been an extremely stupid gift. Suddenly it felt like my whole day fell apart, that nothing would go right (it definitely started out on the wrong foot by missing my alarm and missing a class. Also not to mention I missed an important CUSat meeting yesterday....yeah...brilliant Andrew).
But anyways I suddenly felt overwhelmingly stressed....and then...sad. I started thinking about her (not Pamela) again... how I had ideas for what to do for her on Valentine's Day when we were still together. I could use those idea's for Pamela's gift - those ideas came to me for a specific person, I can't just use them for anybody. But I missed her. Usually Valentine's Day doesn't bother me at all - I'm not one of those anti-Cupid people who think valentine's day is evil for all single people. But today, I didn't feel bitter, but I felt sad that I didn't have anyone...I wanted to tell her Happy Valentine's Day...but I think it would've been awkward for her. I wanted to tell it to her as a friend....because I think that's all we'll ever be now :(. Andres and I have talked a lot to each other about what it means to 'move on' (I still don't like that phrase)...We both seem to be able to live our lives...but then something triggers a memory or a feeling and we swing back....I guess that will happen for awhile to come. But anyways...I started feeling sad - not just about her, but about life. I felt like nothing was coming together for me anymore when at the beginning of the year it felt as if everything was perfect. My parents want me to come back during Spring Break....I hope they don't make me go back...I don't want to have to split my time between them for one week and have to deal with it then be thrown back into the midst of school again. It feels like my life is falling apart.
I don't know why...usually I can write what I feel and get it out and make it clear...but tonight...the above doesn't seem clear at all...it doesn't seem to give justice to how I'm feeling...It's not so straightforward as the above issues make it seem I guess. Maybe there are somethings I'm still trying to figure out...Do you know why I don't get stressed? I think I realize that I have discrete levels of stress - one side is a little bit of stress that I can handle no problem and just go on with my life and be happy and hyper with friends. The other side is huge amounts of stress which make me feel like my life is falling apart (like today). But it doesn't stay as stress for me...I think I channel that stress into sadness....I start to think about things that used to be...or that I wish could be but probably won't...I guess that's the main reason why I didn't go up to share our secret valentine identities tonight. Part of it was, yes, I was embarrassed at how lame my gift was (if I can find the time I want to come up with something else and do something for Pamela that's better than just that lame wallpaper). But the other part was that I just felt like being alone again. Isn't that wierd...when you think I'd need friends the most I just want to be alone. I'm all backwards. I guess I've just had no where to turn to for most of my life. <--- OK...so I'm leaving this in...because I wrote it, but then I thought about it and I see how untrue it is because I've always had my friends in Cali. So I've had people I can turn to, do I sometimes try to portray my life a little harder than it actually is?? I don't want to do that....that's like putting up a facade just like my mom - what I spend my life trying to avoid.
But anyways...yeah I was super-stressed today....probably due to the added pressure of getting something for valentine's day which in itself brought up memories and feelings which in turn turned into some sort of stress which turned into sadness. At one point I just wanted to leave the dorm and go find a place of solitude outside on the fields or behind the obersvatory and just sit and stare at the sky and wish things would get better. I thought about crying to. I wasn't as close to it as I was in the past...but I thought about it and felt like I probably could've if I thought about the things that make me want to cry.....But anyways....today was a bad day....probably half of it caused because of the things we did for Valentine's Day and half just because things weren't going well to begin with (starting actually with Monday). But nevertheless,
Happy Valentine's Day people (which was officially yesterday now).
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Japan In My Dreams Pt. 2
So let me expand on my recent urge to go back to Japan. First, I've been listening to the Final Fantasy soundtracks lately. They're really really good. The games wouldn't have been as popular, in my opinion, if they didn't have such unique soundtracks for a video game (great orchestral and piano pieces come to mind. They're very relaxing, especially the FFX soundtrack - my favorite so far).
But anyways, so I've been indirectly in the Japanese mood by listening to and playing some FF. I talk with Francis via email because we never see each other online (I should actually send him an email - he just got back from Guam last week). But I miss hanging with him. We said we'd 'tear up Tokyo' together - I can't wait for that. I'd love to spend time with him in Japan so he can show me all the cool places that only locals of my age would know (sure he's a couple years older but big deal :p).
I also finally joined JUSA this semester. I never knew when the meetings were. I always wanted to join and go but no one ever told me - and I forgot who was in JUSA so I couldn't ask (my bad). Even though I've only been to one meeting I feel like I fit right in...I don't feel awkward at all. And it's not that it's because there are other caucasians there (JUSA actually is Japan-US Association), but I just feel like the personalities of everyone there are so similar to mine that we hit it off really quickly.
JUSA is working on it's cultural show right now. I volunteered to play sax in the band and help out with the video. We're playing SPITZ - Cherry (yay! one of my favorite Japanese songs!) and one more. I decided to listen to my Japanese songs to try and come up with another song we could do. I think it was during that process that it hit me - I miss Japan. I'm listening to Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute (I'm Miss You) currently (one of the tracks I thought would be good for us to do). It's such a great song. But just listening to Japanese really puts me in the mood to be back in Japan - just doing anything. I'm back in the state of mind that I just want to get there after graduation and teach English - I'd be perfectly happy doing that. I miss the streets of Nara, Kyoto, and Tokyo. I think I particularly miss Kyoto and Nara. I really loved those two cities. It'd be great to see Miku again. It was so cool to meet her the first time - can you believe that we've been speaking for - is it 5 years now? 6? Either way we've been friends for awhile now - I'm really glad that our penpal relationship has developed into a friendship. I lost touch with so many other penpals that it means a lot to me whenever I see an email from Miku. I just can't wait for the day when I can finally start writing to her in Japanese :p. Some day soon :p.
Anyways, I want to go back to Japan. My computer is becoming Japanified again. I have a feeling I'll find it hard to work this week. I guess we'll see. When I tend to think about Japan a lot I feel like doing nothing else but getting lost in my own thoughts of what it would be like to live there. I guess I'll go to sleep now and dream of Japan. The Japan in my dreams.
(Well duh! :p)
But anyways, so I've been indirectly in the Japanese mood by listening to and playing some FF. I talk with Francis via email because we never see each other online (I should actually send him an email - he just got back from Guam last week). But I miss hanging with him. We said we'd 'tear up Tokyo' together - I can't wait for that. I'd love to spend time with him in Japan so he can show me all the cool places that only locals of my age would know (sure he's a couple years older but big deal :p).
I also finally joined JUSA this semester. I never knew when the meetings were. I always wanted to join and go but no one ever told me - and I forgot who was in JUSA so I couldn't ask (my bad). Even though I've only been to one meeting I feel like I fit right in...I don't feel awkward at all. And it's not that it's because there are other caucasians there (JUSA actually is Japan-US Association), but I just feel like the personalities of everyone there are so similar to mine that we hit it off really quickly.
JUSA is working on it's cultural show right now. I volunteered to play sax in the band and help out with the video. We're playing SPITZ - Cherry (yay! one of my favorite Japanese songs!) and one more. I decided to listen to my Japanese songs to try and come up with another song we could do. I think it was during that process that it hit me - I miss Japan. I'm listening to Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute (I'm Miss You) currently (one of the tracks I thought would be good for us to do). It's such a great song. But just listening to Japanese really puts me in the mood to be back in Japan - just doing anything. I'm back in the state of mind that I just want to get there after graduation and teach English - I'd be perfectly happy doing that. I miss the streets of Nara, Kyoto, and Tokyo. I think I particularly miss Kyoto and Nara. I really loved those two cities. It'd be great to see Miku again. It was so cool to meet her the first time - can you believe that we've been speaking for - is it 5 years now? 6? Either way we've been friends for awhile now - I'm really glad that our penpal relationship has developed into a friendship. I lost touch with so many other penpals that it means a lot to me whenever I see an email from Miku. I just can't wait for the day when I can finally start writing to her in Japanese :p. Some day soon :p.
Anyways, I want to go back to Japan. My computer is becoming Japanified again. I have a feeling I'll find it hard to work this week. I guess we'll see. When I tend to think about Japan a lot I feel like doing nothing else but getting lost in my own thoughts of what it would be like to live there. I guess I'll go to sleep now and dream of Japan. The Japan in my dreams.
(Well duh! :p)
Monday, February 06, 2006
Japan In My Dreams
You know....I've been missing Japan recently. Ever since I started Japanese again and I joined JUSA I wish I was back in Japan. I miss my time I spent there and I miss the memories the music has for me. I think I'll listen to a lot of japanese music after I finish these final fantasy songs (which are themselves Japanese music). I feel so relaxed and serene when I think about Japan. I guess I'll write more about this tomorrow...oyasumi nasai.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
