Still in search of..

I feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied, that I do not know my potential, that I haven't been challenged, that I can learn more about myself, that there's something deeper, hidden inside me. Some kind of energy, some kind of feeling, an awareness that is yet to be known. I feel like it's yearning to escape, to show itself, yet I do not know how to make it reveal itself. I don't want it to be captive forever, I want to discover what it is, and let it blossom, let it emerge and let it guide me. But first, I need a guide to help me find my true self.

Nomadic again

I want to go to Europe. I just watched The Bourne Ultimatum yesterday, and every time I watch one of those movies I always want to go to Europe afterwards. It's so different than Asia, but at the same time different from the US. It has history, it has culture... I sometimes feel like that's missing from here, that it's too superficial. I've never been to Europe before, I wish I had the money to travel right now, like during winter break. At times like these I even think living and working there wouldn't be so bad either, that I'd quite enjoy it. Perhaps all I really need is to get out of the States, not necessarily to any other specific destination.

In any case, there's someone I want to see in Munich.

Sigh

Idk why, but I'm feeling completely unmotivated right now. It's all of a sudden, but I sort of feel lonely. Not nearly as lonely as I've felt in the past... Actually, maybe it's not loneliness, but frustration/sadness at the monotony of life right now. I haven't met anyone, all I do is do my homework in the morning, go to class, eat lunch, do a little work in the afternoon if I didn't finish in the morning, and then come home to eat and... sit at my computer staring at the screen and listening to music. Not much of a life is it...

It's been awhile...

Just some small thoughts...

I keep drifting back to Pauline. There's no solid train of thought, and it's not like my mind focuses on her. Rather, it's more like there's this feeling of wanting to see her again and talk with her face to face. I wonder if we'll see each other again soon - within the next year? It'd be nice if I could find some excuse to go to Germany, or she to San Francisco. I don't see any reason for it to happen anytime soon though.

Sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who notices and appreciates certain seemingly minor things. I walk into my Chinese classroom an hour before class starts: all the lights are off except for two bulbs in the front, one lighting from above and slightly behind the TV and the other midway across the chalkboard. They act as spot lights in the front and the shadow's cast by the TV suspended in the air make an interesting, almost symmetrical V-pattern on the wall. When I first walked in, I was about to turn on all the lights like I usually do when they're all turned off. But the ambience of the room was different from normal, and it felt soothing and tranquil. So instead, I sat in my seat and just listened, and looked at the front of the room. There was a slight sound from the fans in the building, otherwise there was only myself, the lights, and the empty desks. I really like finding myself in these type of situations. Would someone else have noted the stillness of the room and taken the time to absorb the mood? I like finding these hidden gems that I feel only I would notice and appreciate. Though, it would be great to meet someone who appreciates and notices them like I do.

Falling back

Why is this happening again? I really didn't feel like going to 太鼓 yesterday even though I love it. I ended up playing only 5min even though I was there for 1.5hrs. It wasn't worth my time, I was afraid it would happen because they're performing on Thursday and I'm not in it. I've shown up to every practice, been one of the first ones there, one of the last to leave, made the meetings, but I've only performed once as a main attraction. I'm just doing sideshows, I never get to be on stage. I think I deserve more than that...

But that's besides the point. I wanted to cry yesterday again. I almost did, I felt the tears coming a couple of times; some in 太鼓 and some sitting outside, just sitting. I would give it all up if I could be truly happy - once more? for the first time? I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, and it sure feels that way right now. I am cursed, never meant to be...

It is a sad world

I was originally going to write how I screwed everything up... as usual. But then I thought about how insignificant my problems are compare to what's going on right now. I just finally had time to read about what happened at Virginia Tech. It's horrific. What makes people do such terrible things? I can't possibly imagine what the students at VT are going through right now. Friends lost, a world shattered - what could be worse? There's so much unnecessary death in today's world, why do we keep letting it happen? My thoughts go out to those at VT and those who have been affected by this horrible event.

And to think I was complaining about snow while others were suffering through this - how selfish am I?

Remembering those we've lost

I found out yesterday that a family friend who often advised me during high school passed away from Cancer on Saturday. It seems so sudden - she was only diagnosed at the end of last year. My mom had been trying to call me but couldn't get through because I was always in class/meetings/rehearsals, etc. She finally left a message yesterday. I was completely shocked when I heard her say "Ellen passed away Saturday." The woman who I remember has being good-natured, full of smiles, and willing to offer her guidance with her experience as a college advisor was suddenly gone and I wouldn't have another chance to see her, to thank her for all she did. It's has been 2.5 years since I last saw her (I haven't gone home in a while), but now I won't get to see her again. I feel guilty because I can't remember how we last parted, when we last saw each other exactly. It was so long ago. My mom told her about Stanford a few weeks ago - she knew it was my dream school. I hope it made her happy in someway... I hope she knew how much I appreciated what she did for me during high school, I'm not sure I really showed it that much... Now there's no more chances. Whenever someone I know passes away I always think back to a boy in elementary school, Anthony Taylor (I had to look up his last name yesterday - but I recognized it immediately when I saw it). He and his family were victims of an racist arsonist... all 9 of them. He was only 9 years old. I was his mentor the year before, when I was in 4th grade, asked to be so by my teacher because he was having trouble socially and academically. When I heard what happened, I drew him a picture of a dalmatian. I was drawing lots of animal pictures at that time, mostly tracing, but I copied his from a picture, I didn't trace. I wonder if I still have it in one of my folders somewhere. I always think of him, what he could have become if given the chance, where he would be now. I think it might have been the first death I had to deal with. If not, its certainly the first death I remember and it still affects me.

We sadly hear about it everyday, yet we only pause to think when it's someone we know.

Running round my head

For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about her today. Yet at the same time it was all in my head, and I still don't feel anything in my heart yet. I wonder why. I was excited to hopefully eat dinner with her tonight, which happened (sort of). She had to rush to a review session so she inhaled her food and left - understandable, she's really worried about this class. But all evening after that too my mind kept going back to her. And not like it was a single aspect (well, her face would keep coming to mind), it was just images of her, nothing ever complete or concrete. And always fleeting. I wonder if it's because I was reading a Korean novel followed by a Korean movie (I spent my whole evening doing Korean stuff). Strange. At the same time, I have this feeling that something good will come of it. Like it would really work out well. Because she was in my head so much I thought what would happen if I called/wrote a note/sent an IM saying that for some reason I couldn't get her out of my head all night. Obviously I didn't do anything of the sort. I wonder though, I have 3 weeks left... will I try to ask her out? Maybe if she keeps staying in my head. All of this unexpected.

Do I?

There's someone I think I might be starting to like. That's a good sign, too bad there's only 4wks of class left. She has a great personality. I think that's what is attracting me to her. I wonder, am I actually over it and now I'm moving on? That'd be nice. (I'm too tired to write something deeper, and right now I'm not sure if there's too much more I can say considering it's still in development.)

I wonder

I wonder if I have S.A.D. Although times were really rough for me as we entered Winter, I stayed depressed throughout. And although things have gotten a bit better now, the weather is getting warmer and sunnier. I find I can't help but being cheerful when it's sunny, no matter how much I might want to otherwise. Not that I want to be sad, but sometimes you can make yourself feel a certain way - willpower. Seriously, I wonder.

It's about time for some good news

"Welcome to Stanford!
Your acceptance of the offer of admission has been recorded."

A smile broke on my face (again) when I clicked the "accept admission" button. I am so incredibly happy to finally be going to my dream school. Ever since I was in elementary school its been my dream to attend Stanford. I remember I wrote down several life goals, one was a 4.0 through high school, the other was to go to Stanford. Well skipping a year of Spanish screwed up the 4.0 :p, but I finally made my way to Stanford for grad school! It's going to be soooo fun. Some of my friends from Cornell will be there and my California friends will be there. I can't believe it's actually happening. Haha, the weather will be so much nicer than here too :p.

Well, that was the thing that ended my awesome week, the other was when my best friend from Tokyo surprised me (and everyone else) by showing up at my door! I totally did not expect it! His girlfriend had said something about him trying to come a long while back, but I forgot about it and I didn't think it was going to happen. I was absolutely in a daze for the first few hours he was here, I couldn't believe he actually came. It really gave me an emotional boost that I desperately needed. I dropped everything, even skipped a class just to find time to hang out with him, he was only here for 1 full day (2 nights). I noticed that when he was around, everyone in our group appeared to be a lot happier. I mean, some of that is from the simple fact that he came back - some people hadn't seen him in over a year - but I think it was also the feeling that our group was complete again, there were no more missing pieces. When will this happen again? We definitely need to plan for the future, a five year reunion, meet some place "central" (considering we'll be all over the world, that could be anywhere). That would be great - but until then I'll miss everyone.

One more thing happened that made my week: after three years of trying, I finally got a Dragon Day T-shirt. Every other year they were sold out. And the bonus? It was the colour I wanted :-D.

DA FU CHA CHA

I just saw a dance performance, originally intending to go support one of my friends. But I actually knew five dancers, the DJ, and the person who did the lights. It was a great experience, and for me, a unique one. I can't explain how I felt, but at one point the lights, music, and motion of the dance seemed to satiate my senses and I could no longer distinguish between them. It only lasted momentarily, but it was quite a feeling. Emiko, Sheyen, Joanne, Vincent, Johnson, and David - you all did great. I saw lots of my friends there in the audience, usually came in pairs. There were about 5 groups of people who I knew. I went with two of my friends. But when the show ended my companions went off to go study or meet someone else, so I was left to another pair of my friends. But because I didn't come with them I felt like I was on the outside, even though I knew them both (through taiko). We waited for Emiko to come out and talked with her for awhile, but then she started to talk to other dancers. Then we all sort of split up. When I was walking back with Mitsu, who then went to the Vet School, I started to feel... lonely, or sad. I don't know why. I had a really good time at the performance. Was it because afterwards I felt like I was bouncing around between groups of friends and as such, couldn't devote my attention to one of them so that I was always on the outside? There's this song, this feeling in my head that is indistinguishable, but it's remnants from the performance. It was ... I don't know how to explain it. But it's there... du fu cha cha.

Congrats Emiko, I'm glad I got to see your last big performance.

I did it... sort of

I came back from classes early yesterday... saw her online. And before I could let myself change my mind I walked over to her suite. I hesitated for a little outside of her suite, not sure if I really was up to it. What would I say? What would I do? I knew I had to pay her for cell phone bills... so I thought that could be my fall back, otherwise I'd just try making conversation. I hadn't talked to her since... end of October? Four months... Well I knocked on her door, I don't what she thought or how I looked, but we talked for a little. She had two prelims that night so it wasn't a very long conversation, maybe 7min? Just talked about classes... the typical topics you talk about when you feel like you don't really know someone, like when you first start talking with a classmate. It was awkward, for sure. But I finally went to see her. I didn't have the same emotional reaction as I used to; it's probably because I was so saddened (too light of a word?) when they got together (I wasn't hurt, no one did anything to hurt me). But I still stood looking at her eyes, her hair... I didn't think of what could've been, well, maybe it entered my mind for a fleeting instant, but all I did was try and stay in the present. I don't know if I'm ready to move on yet though. I still think she's absolutely beautiful - and I don't think that will ever change. But I don't think I can move on until I see them both together, and I still don't think I'm ready for that. You know, before when I used to write entries like this one I would be thinking about them being together and everything that goes with that. I would wish that it was me and think about what it would be like if it were me. But now, I don't. I have this concept that is "them" in my mind, but it's no longer defined. It's only a concept. A floating word missing a definition or an image. Rather, it's there, but it's been locked way and the key destroyed. Only by bashing down the walls will it be released. I don't want to break down those walls. But will I be able to free myself if I don't? Am I also trapped inside? If not me, an important part of me? I feel... so unfeeling towards others lately. Not cold, but absolutely ambivalent. I remember what I used to be like, I'm not like that anymore. Smiles, laughs, studious, athletic, but knows how to have fun. Loves to hang out with friends just chatting, eating, watching movies. I don't do that anymore. I do hang out with people, but I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere. I'm a drifter just trying to find his place again. I read the other day in a novel that those who always wish that those who don't think about their homes or families are without homes, that they're still searching for a place to call home. Am I searching for my home, the place where I belong? Or am I trying to find myself again? Will that hold the answer? Where have I gone?

Can someone help me look for............ me?

Another dream, finally.

I had a dream last night, right before I woke up. I was outside in the cul-de-sac between HILC and JAM. I was looking up at the night sky with lots of stars. There were some people standing around looking up too - as if it were a fire drill - but I didn't pay attention to them and they didn't pay attention to me. They were just there as space fillers I guess. As I stood looking at the sky Laura came over to me. She said she was glad to see me, but I still looked at the sky, not wanting to look at her, afraid of my own reactions. Then, she suddenly hugged me and started crying. I looked down and sort of held her away from me so I could look at her face - and I didn't feel comfortable being hugged by her... I felt my own feelings about her were conflicting in my mind. I've never seen her cry before, but somehow the face I envisioned in my mind would be exactly what she would look like if she did cry, I know it - and it hurt to look at it. I told her, "Please, don't," as I stopped her from hugging me. She stood in front of me and continued to cry saying, "When are you coming back? You're not the only one being hurt by all of this." Then the people around us got in between us and she sort of disappeared (or did I disappear?).

Am I hurting her? I don't want to hurt her. Maybe I need to finally break down my wall. But I'm not sure I can. I don't want to hurt her.

Happy Lunar New Year!!!

To all my friends celebrating the new year this weekend:
Sun nin fai lok! Gung hei fat choi!
Xīnnián kuàilè! Gōngxǐ fācái!

And I don't know how to say it in any other language...

There's a difference...

...between happiness and momentary happiness.

I am f***ing sick and tired of this. I do the right thing, for the benefit of everyone, and the when he comes down on me for no f***ing reason no one backs me up, no one says anything. No one realizes what he's doing and no one f***ing cares. He's been disrespecting me ever since I took over and he has no trust in me - well why the f*** did you ask me to help you in the first place. You say I do nothing - well maybe if you stopped taking MY JOBS then I would have something to do! And you say it as if you know you're right when we have it written down - in a document we all agreed on - that it's my f***ing job!!! And because of that I go out and try to start something up somewhere and then you say I'm going behind people's backs. Make up your f***ing mind! And when I try to clear up a problem face to face with administration here rather than through endless emails (as people forget how important face to face talks are in this day of technology) he just yells at me for being unprofessional and going behind people's backs. LOOK AT THE F***ING PICTURE!!!!! I'M NOT UNDERMINING THIS ORGANIZATION, I'M HELPING IT F***ING GROW!!! NOT ONCE HAVE I RECEIVED ANY SORT OF THANK YOU OR ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT I DO! THE ONLY REASON WHY I DON'T SAY F*** YOU AND LEAVE IS BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS ORGANIZATION. You say that I go behind people's backs - well why the heck do you start talking to all these people without even telling me! I TOLD YOU I was going to talk to people. You know what - FUCK YOU! I'm so F***ING frustrated with you and everyone who doesn't do jack that I feel like crying. F*** OFF. Thanks for ruining my night.

I don't know where I want to be, what I feel, what I want to feel. Who I want to see, who I don't want to see. What I want to do or what I want others to do. I just don't know anything.

"I don't know where to turn"

I just watched a slideshow of my pictures from Tokyo this summer. The pictures of Francis doing crazy things and the memories associated with them brought a smile to my face. I miss you buddy! たくや（すまない。名前の漢字は分からないんだ）とお母さんによろしくね！ Looking at my pictures I think, "I miss those times. I want to be back there. I don't want to be here." Is it because of the memories I have there? Is it because I feel like I fit in there, despite my 187cm caucasian-ness? The fact that I didn't feel lonely even though I was hanging out with him and Yukae? Or is it just that any place is better than here now. I'm not sure, I look at my other pictures and I don't have as strong of an urge to go back to Takuno (even though I really liked it there). But Hong Kong doesn't bring me hurtful memories anymore. I guess the wall in my mind is strong enough for me to think about Hong Kong without thinking about her... which, in a way, is not a good thing.

Everytime I think about my past, I realize that Japan has always been a safe place for me. I've always wished I was in Japan when something was happening to me (even before I had visited). Its my tendency to run away I guess. I just feel really lonely again. (Just? I don't know.) It's Casino Night again in ILC, but I can't make myself go and help like I've done every year. I still can't face the two of them together yet... And I know they'll be there. But I know people will come look for me... I just want to hide. But where? Japan is too far...

I just want it all to end.

random thought and feeling

Yesterday someone sat across from me (two chairs down) at the table I had at Oakenshields during dinner. I had seen this person in Oakenshields before and I remember thinking that they were a very hard working no-frills type of person by observing the way they quickly went through their food yet showed refinement. But it seemed to me like they were rushing through things and didn't pay attention to, or perhaps care, about what was going on around them. One of the "I-know-what-I-want-and-I'm-going-to-get-it" attitudes. In any case, this person sat across from me two chairs down (I was at a booth table). They started reading a book as they ate - I think it was for hw and not pleasure because it had a used sticker on it from the Campus store (more reason for me to think they had the above attitude). The whole time they sat there I just wanted to lean over and say, "Slow down. Take a breath, enjoy your food. Take a moment to enjoy your surroundings, to enjoy the people in your surroundings. Let yourself slow down." I wanted to say such a thing to this person, to hopefully get them to awaken from their hurried rush. Instead, in the middle of one of my hacking-up-a-lung sessions (I've been sick and coughing a lot lately) they asked me (glancing up from their book) if I was alright. Before I could fully complete my, "Yeah I'll be fine. Thank you," they had already looked down at their book. Considering the opportunity for response had been opened I still almost wanted to say, "slow down." But I held my peace not wanting to accidentally cause a confrontation (they seemed the type of person who might not take it the right way). Then as the person packed up and walked by me on their way out they asked me to take care and wished I would get better soon. Again, my, "Oh, thank you. Have a good night," was probably barely heard as they swiftly left the vicinity. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that I can't describe after that, and I don't know what it was. It sort of remained with me for the rest of the night. Was it that they had given me something but I had given nothing in return? Was it the fact of feeling lonely when you have to rely on a total stranger to sincerely wish you good health? Or was it the fact of feeling cared for when a total stranger sincerely wishes you good health? I don't know what it was, maybe it was a combination of the above (but I know some side of the loneliness factor was involved because thoughts of being lonely and not lonely went through my mind as they left). But I hope I see this person again, maybe I'll tell them to slow down and appreciate what's around them more.

I'm so miserable. I thought I might have gotten a little better over break, but no. NOT AT ALL. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, scream until I have no voice left to scream with. But I can't. I'm afraid someone would hear me.

I'm afraid someone would know it was me.

Miserable

I'm glad my roommate accidentally woke me up when he came back at 4:00am. I was having horrible dreams and was tossing and turning and just couldn't wake up. I had gone to sleep on top of my covers, not bothering to change because I was so miserable... I didn't think I'd remain this miserable. Even she's up at this hour... probably jet lag. Right before I went to sleep I had the thought of why I might be so miserable: I don't have any place safe to go home to anymore. HILC used to be that place, but I don't even feel comfortable here anymore. Don't even mention Colorado... I have nowhere to go. Nowhere that I don't have to worry about anything. I could sort of be like that over break when there was no one in HILC, but now that everyone is coming back I can't do it anymore. My dinner out with my friend yesterday meant me going to the dining hall by myself to avoid having to eat dinner with the large group... and her. Though all those sorority and fraternity people make me want to think twice about choosing to eat at Appel again this week. But that's besides the point. I just feel like I have nowhere I can be comfortable anymore. That's what my dreams are about. I'm trying to find a place where I can be peaceful and not have to think about all the things that are happening to me. But my friends keep "unintentionally" chasing me down by moving their conversations closer and closer to me and I get stuck in my room and then they finally come to my room. I desperately try to hide but I can't do anything by crouch behind the sofa (imaginary room) where they're talking... I just can't get away and it's so painful. My mind frantically searches and thinks for ways out, but it can't see any and I'm stuck in a room I don't want to be in. My face has a frown chiseled into its facade - when will it go away?

:'(

:'(

Really sad for some reason....

Soap opera

My life in the past year could be an award winning soap opera..... and it sucks. Recent events have led me to conclude that if you draw the lines between my friends, their love interests, my love interest (singular) and their previous/current attachments, you'll find yourself lost in a maze that there's no getting out of - unless you cut a thread or two (something I want to avoid). At least I know that someone cares about me more than a friend... I'm just sorry that it's not reciprocal. She's a great person (tough there are some things that make me think twice about that...) and she is pretty (but not Duck or Laura beautiful). I'm just still attached to Laura... at least I think I am. I haven't seen her since mid-October... haven't seen anyone since then (well, The Guatemalan and The Architect). I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to hang around when they get back... I see a picture of Laura and George holding hands in Gen's room (it's a group pic). But I still get such a sinking feeling when I see it. Anyways, maybe if it was at another time. Maybe if I get past Laura as the semester goes and this new girl, (who I guess needs a nickname now:) Happy, still feels that way... and if she breaks up with her bf (which I don't think she should considering what she told me - I gave her honest advice about that), then maybe... but only if I genuinely feel something. I'm not going to force anything, it wouldn't be good in the long run - in any-run.

I've been listening to final fantasy music a lot lately. It's so beautiful, they really did an amazing job composing it. It takes me away from here too, in a very soothing way. It makes me want to be in a FF world. Part of it is because the characters always have close friends and companions throughout the story - and it always comes out happy (assuming you beat the game, lol). This will sound really strange... but I'm lonely enough (and I was when I last played ffviii... which was awhile ago) that I envy the love relationship of the main characters. I just want to be cared for in that way, I want to have someone I can care for. I've slept hugging my other pillow recently so that the emptiness in my chest doesn't feel as empty. :: sigh :: But that being said, I can't just say "yes" to Happy. I don't feel anything for her... though I thought I might have BARELY started to at one point, but I realized it's just because I'm feeling lonely. It's a desperation feeling, not genuine. It's just because I want to have someone there, to hold someone close. There are several times I've almost asked some of my friends if I could just get a hug... Not to mention I would feel horrible (actually, do feel horrible) if I pulled her away from her current bf.... It's not right. Why is my life so freaking complicated.... time to make crepes.