I wonder

I wonder if I have S.A.D. Although times were really rough for me as we entered Winter, I stayed depressed throughout. And although things have gotten a bit better now, the weather is getting warmer and sunnier. I find I can't help but being cheerful when it's sunny, no matter how much I might want to otherwise. Not that I want to be sad, but sometimes you can make yourself feel a certain way - willpower. Seriously, I wonder.

It's about time for some good news

"Welcome to Stanford!
Your acceptance of the offer of admission has been recorded."

A smile broke on my face (again) when I clicked the "accept admission" button. I am so incredibly happy to finally be going to my dream school. Ever since I was in elementary school its been my dream to attend Stanford. I remember I wrote down several life goals, one was a 4.0 through high school, the other was to go to Stanford. Well skipping a year of Spanish screwed up the 4.0 :p, but I finally made my way to Stanford for grad school! It's going to be soooo fun. Some of my friends from Cornell will be there and my California friends will be there. I can't believe it's actually happening. Haha, the weather will be so much nicer than here too :p.

Well, that was the thing that ended my awesome week, the other was when my best friend from Tokyo surprised me (and everyone else) by showing up at my door! I totally did not expect it! His girlfriend had said something about him trying to come a long while back, but I forgot about it and I didn't think it was going to happen. I was absolutely in a daze for the first few hours he was here, I couldn't believe he actually came. It really gave me an emotional boost that I desperately needed. I dropped everything, even skipped a class just to find time to hang out with him, he was only here for 1 full day (2 nights). I noticed that when he was around, everyone in our group appeared to be a lot happier. I mean, some of that is from the simple fact that he came back - some people hadn't seen him in over a year - but I think it was also the feeling that our group was complete again, there were no more missing pieces. When will this happen again? We definitely need to plan for the future, a five year reunion, meet some place "central" (considering we'll be all over the world, that could be anywhere). That would be great - but until then I'll miss everyone.

One more thing happened that made my week: after three years of trying, I finally got a Dragon Day T-shirt. Every other year they were sold out. And the bonus? It was the colour I wanted :-D.

DA FU CHA CHA

I just saw a dance performance, originally intending to go support one of my friends. But I actually knew five dancers, the DJ, and the person who did the lights. It was a great experience, and for me, a unique one. I can't explain how I felt, but at one point the lights, music, and motion of the dance seemed to satiate my senses and I could no longer distinguish between them. It only lasted momentarily, but it was quite a feeling. Emiko, Sheyen, Joanne, Vincent, Johnson, and David - you all did great. I saw lots of my friends there in the audience, usually came in pairs. There were about 5 groups of people who I knew. I went with two of my friends. But when the show ended my companions went off to go study or meet someone else, so I was left to another pair of my friends. But because I didn't come with them I felt like I was on the outside, even though I knew them both (through taiko). We waited for Emiko to come out and talked with her for awhile, but then she started to talk to other dancers. Then we all sort of split up. When I was walking back with Mitsu, who then went to the Vet School, I started to feel... lonely, or sad. I don't know why. I had a really good time at the performance. Was it because afterwards I felt like I was bouncing around between groups of friends and as such, couldn't devote my attention to one of them so that I was always on the outside? There's this song, this feeling in my head that is indistinguishable, but it's remnants from the performance. It was ... I don't know how to explain it. But it's there... du fu cha cha.

Congrats Emiko, I'm glad I got to see your last big performance.

I did it... sort of

I came back from classes early yesterday... saw her online. And before I could let myself change my mind I walked over to her suite. I hesitated for a little outside of her suite, not sure if I really was up to it. What would I say? What would I do? I knew I had to pay her for cell phone bills... so I thought that could be my fall back, otherwise I'd just try making conversation. I hadn't talked to her since... end of October? Four months... Well I knocked on her door, I don't what she thought or how I looked, but we talked for a little. She had two prelims that night so it wasn't a very long conversation, maybe 7min? Just talked about classes... the typical topics you talk about when you feel like you don't really know someone, like when you first start talking with a classmate. It was awkward, for sure. But I finally went to see her. I didn't have the same emotional reaction as I used to; it's probably because I was so saddened (too light of a word?) when they got together (I wasn't hurt, no one did anything to hurt me). But I still stood looking at her eyes, her hair... I didn't think of what could've been, well, maybe it entered my mind for a fleeting instant, but all I did was try and stay in the present. I don't know if I'm ready to move on yet though. I still think she's absolutely beautiful - and I don't think that will ever change. But I don't think I can move on until I see them both together, and I still don't think I'm ready for that. You know, before when I used to write entries like this one I would be thinking about them being together and everything that goes with that. I would wish that it was me and think about what it would be like if it were me. But now, I don't. I have this concept that is "them" in my mind, but it's no longer defined. It's only a concept. A floating word missing a definition or an image. Rather, it's there, but it's been locked way and the key destroyed. Only by bashing down the walls will it be released. I don't want to break down those walls. But will I be able to free myself if I don't? Am I also trapped inside? If not me, an important part of me? I feel... so unfeeling towards others lately. Not cold, but absolutely ambivalent. I remember what I used to be like, I'm not like that anymore. Smiles, laughs, studious, athletic, but knows how to have fun. Loves to hang out with friends just chatting, eating, watching movies. I don't do that anymore. I do hang out with people, but I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere. I'm a drifter just trying to find his place again. I read the other day in a novel that those who always wish that those who don't think about their homes or families are without homes, that they're still searching for a place to call home. Am I searching for my home, the place where I belong? Or am I trying to find myself again? Will that hold the answer? Where have I gone?

Can someone help me look for............ me?