Repetitive

I keep saying the same things to her. She knows how I feel. I should just stop repeating it, it probably does more harm than good. I guess there isn't much more I can say unless she brings up any specific concerns. I know she's worried about the long distance - really worried. When we first got together I said, we'll just take it as it comes. We made it a month together in not-the-best of circumstances (unable to call (Skype is only so useful), my own delusions etc.). I really think we can make it further. It's not like we won't see each other AT ALL for semesters on end. I wouldn't allow that to happen, I'd go to wherever she would be - physical presence does so much. I feel like time would go by much quicker when we're at school too exactly because we'll both be busy, so it would sort of offset itself. Small phone calls here and there walking back from classes and such too can do a lot. It's sort of like the texting we did while I was at school here. Anyways, I just have to give her time and essentially shut up. But, I will still look to the sky and pray.

why oh why

She brought up the fact that she still hasn't told me her age... did she not read my journal? If she did, does she still not realize how much that hurt me? How it still hurts to know that she doesn't trust me? If she does,then does she want to hurt me to turn me away from her? Why would she want to do something like that? She said I should date someone because that person is very independent and apparently "I LOVE independent people." Why does she say these things to me? Why does she want to make this so hard on me?

She looks absolutely beautiful in her new profile picture... My heart beats faster and then I get a knot in my chest when I look at it...

On repeat

Day after day goes by, just the same as the day before. I can't concentrate; I lack motivation to do anything.

Someone asked me if I had told her how, "for the past two months I've been feeling this emptiness. That for the time she was in China all I looked forward to everyday was her coming home and that moment where I would be able to hug her and hold her close. That day came, and all I did was barely catch her eyes as I took the luggage cart from her. The emptiness has been stronger ever since, gnawing at my insides bit by bit."

I haven't told her.

Some thoughts

On the way home today I started thinking about how I sometimes feel that people forget their friends when they start working. They work hard all day, come home, and are too tired to email or chat with their friends just to see how their, likely equally tiring, day was. Sure, I can understand when this happens occasionally, but everyday for months on end? Do people really forget about their friends? Is it seen as somehow fulfilling your responsibility as an employee to put in all o those extra hours and ignore the people whom you call -- used to call(?) -- friends? Yes, I can understand that you do have to fulfill your obligations to work, but we have to recognize that there is, in a sense, an obligation to other people -- indeed an obligation to yourself -- to maintain the basics of a human relationship. I feel that people these days are forgetting that. As Murakami Haruki said in his acceptance speech of the Jerusalem Prize: we are all fragile eggs easily shattered against the wall known as The System (which I actually felt was a very dystopian word to use). Perhaps this is an example of that System affecting what we feel we are responsible for. In my opinion, in the long run our human relationships are much more important than our jobs, but we're caught in this System -- the real world as some call it -- and feel the need to elevate these Systematic obligations above all else. Perhaps something to think about a bit.*

I watched 時をかける少女 (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time) again today. It's such a powerful movie. I didn't cry, but I was on the brink just as the movie ended... The soundtrack is beautiful and the theme song is the climax of that beauty. It is sad, yet hopeful; it evokes feelings of losing something, but looking towards the future hoping to find it again. I guess I'm tending to like those types of songs these days. You should watch it...

*I'm not promoting anarchism/antiestablismentarianism with my discussion of the so-called System, I'm just applying Murakami's metaphor to my observations of human behaviour.

Powerful words

"Thank you" and "I'm sorry" are the two most powerful phrases in the English language (and their equivalents in other languages as well). They demonstrate gratitude and humility. Is it so hard to offer a little gratitude even for the small things? Even when someone tries to offer help but isn't able to be as helpful as they had hoped? A little "thank you" goes a long way. "I'm sorry" goes even further - two little phrases that can seriously begin to change the world.

Have you said "thank you" today? Is there someone you should have said "thank you" to, but didn't? Try saying "I'm sorry" the next time you see them and apologize for not thanking them at that time, and then thank them - notice the change that comes over them even if they politely turn it away with a, "Don't mention it," or, "It was no big deal."

Powerful words indeed.

Wind

I love the wind. It's powerful yet gentle, silent yet orchestrates a symphony of whistles, clinks, clatters, and tings. Invisible. It ruffles your clothes, runs through your hair, whistles past the trees, but where does it go? Why is it in such a rush? It takes birds high up into the sky and ships far across the sea, it fells trees and spreads the seeds of life afar. It cycles out the old air for the new, refreshing in every way. Every time the wind is stronger than just a breeze I want to jump and spread my arms and pray that it catches me and carries me off to somewhere new, somewhere fascinating, somewhere no one else has gone before. To just, simply, fly. Wind brings change and renewal. From cold to hot from hot to cold. Clear to cloudy, rain to sunshine. It's been windy lately. What change will it bring? What will be renewed?

Silence

...is the hardest part. It leaves open avenues of hope and worry; your mind races with both as they become intertwined into a swirling ball of emotion sinking its way deep into your heart. Your imagination races this way and that adding to the pandemonium.

And all the while you stare out the window and whisper - pray - "Please"

Karmic Cycles

Perhaps the slate is clean now and it's a chance to start anew - and not another cycle, but a long straight (perhaps a few squiggles in it) line. (Until we die and get reborn thousands of times before we're finally enlightened... now that's what I call a cycle - who has the time for that type of cycle? yeesh...).

Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes (w/ lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh3elY042pU

Snow Patrol - Hands Open (w/ lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq0hr0eImXc

I love Snow Patrol's lyrics - I get chills listening to them (actually it's the instrumental break in Open Your Eyes that always gives me chills - and multiple times. It's so powerfully emotional).

My own messages - unheard

"I caught a glimpse, but its been forgotten
So here we are again
I made a vow, to carry you home

I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again

I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out

I figured it out, I can see again"
--Bloc Party - So Here We Are


"I won't desert you
I don't know what to say
I really hurt you
I nearly gave it all away

I've got it all wrong
Cause you were not the wrong one
And I don't know where to turn when you're gone

How many times must I lose my way, hey
How many words do I have to say, hey
What can I do just to make you see
That you're so good for a man like
A man like me"
--New Order - Waiting For The Sirens' Call

Though the last line of the above sounds a bit self-centered to me... haha.

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
No need to complicate
Our time is short
It can not wait, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, The sky is yours..."
--Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Subliminal messages

I can't help but drop my jaw at the coincidence of the two songs she just sent me - if they are actually coincidences.

"Don't ask why, before you ask the question and I die inside, just let me walk away
Before we get too close just let me say goodbye - it's easier this way."

"Maybe we're friends, maybe we're more, maybe it's just my imagination.
But I see you stare just a little too long, and it makes me start to wonder.
So baby, call me crazy, but I think you feel it too.
Maybe I, maybe I, just gotta get next to you."

I hope the second one is the result.

"Whacha gonna say, wacha gonna do to get the one you want to want to get next to you." (from the 2nd)

I'm hoping that what I've done and written and my actions will make her want to be next to me.

Not worrying?

Who am I kidding. I've done some work for the day, but now have a hard time focusing. I took a "break" (a rather long break) and watched a movie and some TV episodes, but now that those are done, I find myself staring out the kitchen window imagining some how my thoughts stretch across the distance, "please... please." Scenes of movie-esque happy and tearful reunions fleet through my head. Not worrying? Perhaps not in an "oh my god I'm going to freak out" type of way, but I'm nervous - perhaps that's it - enough that I'm pacing and staring and trying to keep my mind distracted. (The problem is, studying doesn't distract me).

Funny how the final episode of Battlestar Galactica discusses greater powers (named God or not) given my last post. What a series that was.

I did it

I left it behind yesterday, under her pillow. She'll probably find it. How I want so much for things to go as I hope... but if they don't at least we're still here. Oh, how I hope... If I believed in God, this would surely be one of those times where I would be praying. I do make wishes/speak - perhaps sort of like a prayer - to the sky sometimes. Perhaps I'm speaking to the birds, the clouds, the stars, or just this general idea of something else having influence in our lives, and perhaps would positively influence mine, but I only have those thoughts in times like these. Perhaps it is more of a ritual than it is spiritual for I truly believe that fate only brings us so far and the rest we have to do on our own. Regardless, how I hope...

misunderstandings

I called her a few minutes ago... My heart was beating so quickly and my chest getting tense... I was afraid of something small and completely insignificant to get bigger due to a series of misunderstandings. This really tended to be the cause of anytime we fought over the past month... small misunderstandings one side misunderstanding the other - both ways - that piled up and created something bigger. But that can be fixed, easily fixed, with just a little patience. To realize that the other person misunderstood and to re-explain and forgive for any subsequent thing that happened that might have been perceived as offending because the two people were reading the same thing differently. To trust that person intended no harm and simply, simply misunderstood. That's all it is. It's not a foundation shattering difference, it's just something that requires awareness. And eventually, you learn to anticipate the intentions of the other and these misunderstandings evaporate into thin air as if they never existed.

What do you do?

What do you do when all you can think about is chasing after the person who has meant more to you than you thought was possible? What do you do when you have this deep it-will-move-your-body-on-its-own feeling that you would do anything to be with that person because you know, you just know but cannot explain, that there is something more there, something special there that cannot be rationalized? What do you do when you feel that a beautiful series of events brought you together and a cruel, cruel twist of fate tore you apart unwarranted? What do you do when you truly feel that twist was not supposed to be the end, but supposed to be the beginning of something stronger, to open the eyes of those involved, not to the ruts and pot holes in the road on which they had already journeyed - those were strongly felt along the way - but to the flat tire that amplified those ruts and pot holes and deceived the passengers into thinking the road ahead would always be that rough, when in reality once the tire is changed, becomes drastically smoother; a twist meant to prepare them for a smoother ride on the long road ahead? "Part Two" if you would, except that the latter half is supposed to be much, much longer than the first.

What do you do if these feelings are so strong and so clear that no matter what you put your mind to, it always comes back to this: what will I do?

never felt this way about someone before

I really have never felt this way before about someone. It came at a time I least expected it with, in a location I least expected, and a person I least expected. But I have truly never felt this way about someone. If flying halfway around the world to see her and beg her on my knees would bring her back, I would. And no, this is not like it was with Daphne - I was dependent and needy then. I feel completely different from then. I feel like I have found the person who I want to give everything I possibly can to, the person who I want to be there for whenever they need someone. Everything felt - still feels - so right, I close my eyes and it looks so right. She means so much to me, so, so much. Why couldn't I realize that sooner? Why couldn't I show that to her sooner? Why did I have to be so jaded by my past?

She used to sing this one song all the time, and I always told her I liked her version better. I just downloaded the original. And while listening... totally caught off-guard... I broke down.

Baby boy, 私はここにいるよ。どこも行かずに待ってるよ。
You know that I love youだからこそ心配しなくていいんだよ。
どんなに遠く行っても変わらないよ、この心。
言いたいこと分かるでしょう？
あなたのこと待ってるよ。

What I wanted to say

"I hope all is going well on set. Don't stress out too much, ok? I wish I could be there or somehow support you and give you more energy and encouragement, or be there when you finally get done and the next day have to release the frustration at all of the problems that occurred."

It's been like this ever since I came back from China and realized all those things I realized: everyday there are less and less of other things in my head and more of her.... and it won't stop.

Sound of her voice...

or just the thought of her singing as we walked along... makes my heart beat faster. God I miss her.

矛盾

I want to see her. I really, really want to see her, whether or not its painful. Not seeing her is more painful. I want to take those walks with her again - Tokyo is too lonely without her there. Some people think I'm crazy for still wanting to see her and spend time with her after all of this. But who wouldn't want to see and spend time with the person they care so much about? Is that not what caring means? Does it not mean that no matter what you will be there for them? Those feelings are always a part of you unless you are so deeply cut that you bleed out and cannot forgive. I promised her once that I would always support her, and I fully intend to keep my promise.

I hope she's not too stressed on her PV set today...

Trains

Staring down the tracks, I (secretly) hope, despite how many people would tell me to do otherwise, that our lives will follow the path those trains take. From one they split into two, encompassing the platform as their lives take separate yet parallel paths through that period of time. But even though they lose sight of each other, they find each other once again on the other side, becoming one.

And going through 田園調布 and 学芸大学 brings their own pain with the connections I make to those two stations. They seem like such lonely places now.

Musical emotions

I feel like the melody to this song really captures my emotions right now... it's so very sad, as if it is mourning something lost, while at the same time looking towards the future and the moments to be spent remembering and making more memories, but never, NEVER forgetting. At least, that's how it feels to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYtbGueuXoY from about 4:34 (the quality doesn't do it justice, but there's no HQ version)

Running through my head

And in my brain its going wrong
And I will live today
And I will live tomorrow
No matter what is said or done
Even if its going wrong
You're burning out my head

-Armin van Buuren & DJ Shah feat. Chris Jones
"Going Wrong"

I'm not sure how the writers interpret that last line, but to me, it means you will always be a part of me.

Knowing vs. Believing

I know. I know, trust me I know.

It's so hard to believe right now, so difficult. It sits there on top of my brain pretending to be a simple factoid, a truth. Yet it is, nevertheless, not a certainty, but an amalgam of experiences, stories, hopes, and dreams - but they're all from others, not from within. Hence it sits, on top of the brain, unable to near the point where thought becomes belief and it embeds itself into the deepest furrows of the heart.

I know. I know, trust me I know.

But I can't believe, just not yet.

Shattered

The glue called hope fell off like a scab once more revealing a shattered and broken heart. Sounds of pleasure throw salt on the wound, the subsequent laughter tramples on it. Dreams drifting back to from whence they came, leaving nothing but their empty husks that bring tears and convulsions when gazed upon. The emptiness in my chest where the warmth of another could be felt after a long embrace. Not a single word of comfort can be heard for all are busy and rightfully concerned about more important things.

But I need that comfort, for I am all alone in a strange land with no one to turn to for help. I am once again adrift.

I'm sorry I couldn't look at you and say "see you later"...

鶴 pt. 2

Those same lost, soulless birds have found their way. Clinging to their perches upon high for one to see, there they waited in hopes of rebirth. Scattered rays of light from afar groped their way towards the silhouettes and along those avian bodies and folded edges. And for a moment, that brief moment when time stood still and the display was absorbed, something unexplainable stirred within, and accumulated to create the hint of a single tear.

Soup

I can't cook when I'm sad... I don't know what to add or how much, so I just add everything and all the flavours blend together into a grey mess. Sorry for the unsavoury mess.

What to do...

She's here... I want to tell her, I want to. But... I know she's tired, she wanted to talk, so I think she'll bring it up at some point... when? It's so hard to look at her... She saw her wall... I don't know what she thought... it was dark so she couldn't see the details, she didn't ask, and I'm afraid to bring it up unless she does. I miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her close and tell her that everything will be alright, that we can make it together. That there is a future for us. This is so hard... I want her here, but at the same it's painful, lonely, it hurts.

Friends

I had an amazing talk with Alicia. She really opened my eyes to how my actions were being perceived in the relationship. Even though she knew I didn't mean harm, nor would she take offense if the same things were done to her, if it was a relationship situation she felt they could definitely be taken the wrong way. Alicia is very different than my previous girlfriends, so hearing this - admittedly again - made it finally hit home. Of course Alicia and she are not equivalents, but it gave me a completely new outside view on how things were, and even about me individually. I have things to work on, and I will work on them because I don't want to be that way because I hate people who are and I thus right now I'm very disappointed in myself for becoming like this and not realizing it. You were right, I'm sorry.

鶴

30 cranes sit quietly, serene in their stillness and majestic in their composure. Yet, they are lost. Without destination and without origin, they now sit there for the eye to appreciate, but not for the heart. The words and feelings that they hoped to convey have lost all but their most concrete form, vanished into thin air. And now they sit as soulless birds of a feather, each ever so different from the other. As easily extinguished by wind as by fire, their unassuming visages prey upon those with hope and those who lost it. A man once said, "to be or not to be, that is the question," but these cranes take no such issue, for there is no question of the sort as they are; they exist in a concrete form that has tangibility and absorbs those rays of light to display their dazzling colours. Thus, they silently repeat the question back to us and say, "to be or not to be - we are at the mercy of your hands." Yet, despite their poisonous empty stares, their mere presence reminds of a time past not worth forgetting, when they had soul and when they took flight towards the very hearts that consumed their very being.