It's a new year... but not new people.

Someone told me today, "New year, new people." She was talking about herself and how she just started dating a new guy (like today)... but that it won't last because she's come back to Cornell soon and he's going somewhere else and they won't see each other after the next week. She has no idea how much I should listen to that advice. But just because I know I should doesn't mean that I'll feel that way. And I don't. I saw a picture of them holding hands in The Architect's room today....... how I wish that was me....

I found out recently (by reading their blog) that someone I know is rather slutty...... completely shattered the image I had of them. I feel sorry for their significant other (and yes they have one). I almost want to talk to them and tell them they shouldn't do anything that could hurt those that care about them... but it's not my place to do that.

The only reason why I'm going to Unit 1 is because they have Wings... and I'm sort of hungry (though my stomach has been bothering me for the past few days... it may just be that). I'd rather spend New Years alone in my room. Hopefully I can escape and come back up.

I was about to type the title... and write "end of the year thoughts"... and I realized, that these aren't thoughts that culminate my year. Well, maybe the first one. But I'm not going to force myself to regurgitate everything either... it wouldn't be pleasant - for anyone.

I just want to...

hug someone tight to fill in the emptiness I feel.

Make note....

That I said it was only for a little while... I drove 600 miles to a friend's house Thursday.... felt miserable there and came back Saturday... 1200 miles in 3 days. I just want to be some place familiar... I almost turned back half way on my way there too. I almost started crying while I was there... I don't know why.

For a little while...

I was actually happy again. I took James and Selina on a drive tonight (I felt like driving). We went to Taughannock Falls. At the top we got out of the car and looked up - stars, stars, stars (though still not as many as the time on the dry lake). Anyways, I love stars, I love the sky. I love sharing these things with people. Selina was completely blown away - she doesn't see stars like this in HK (darn light pollution). She was like a kid, giddy with excitement, but able to fathom the meaning of the moment. I couldn't help myself smiling as she absorbed, for the first time, a sky full of stars. Seeing the milky way for the first time, seeing not one, but three falling stars for the first time. Her euphoria reminded me of how I used to be when I was a kid. As the three of us lay on the cold cement staring up at the sky I was just smiling up at space. Staring at all of the stars, each one stuck in a different point in time. It's like looking at all of history all at once. Think about it and you'll begin to fathom the meaning of it all. It's incredible. As we drove further I opened the sunroof to let them look out the top while I drove. Again, Selina was giddy was excitement and James would describe how there were lots of places in Kenya like this. I couldn't hold back my smile as I drove listening to Selina being excited and James remembering his own fond moments. As the three of us were there staring up at the sky, finger tips through the sun roof, I was happy again.

It's over

I have no future, I have no chance of a future. Why do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve this?

No sign of an end

I am tired of this.... I can't take it anymore. I just want it all to end. My mind can't suffer anymore from lack of direction, lack of motivation, lack of hope. Things keep piling up and getting worse and worse and there's absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do. I just do not want to be here right now. I'm not even sure if I want to be here in the future. And I can't talk to anyone about because it'll just f*** things up in my life even more.

I'm so lost, so lonely, so cold.