安心

The weight has been lifted. :-) :-)

Thank you

I was talking with Darlena again today because she always listens and always gives me good advice, even if she knows it's not what I want to hear, she tells me how it is and tries to set me straight. At one point in our conversation:

D: i know i must hv told u this many many times
D: but believe in urself..and hv confidence in urself..
Me: i try, i really do
D: and that is not just how u present urself
D: in fact..it's not that at all
D: it's wt u believe within
D: and a really big part of that is not afraid of being alone
Me: well, i think i'll need more time to overcome that fear.. it's something that has become ingrained in me from years and years of painful experiences (even before college)
D: i understand

"I understand." It's such a simple thing to say, but somehow, it means so much to me. I even felt my eyes getting a bit wet at the corners when I read that (which is why I immediately wrote this). I don't think there is anything else that could have been said there that would have fit so perfectly, that would have shown me that she really does care and understand. Thank you so much for being there for me and for really listening and understanding. Thank you so much.

Scared

Scared to be alone. That is my biggest fear. These past few days I have done a lot of reflecting and I have determined that it is a fact that I have not been willing to face for the longest time. I always talk about my goals to see and experience the world and all it has to offer, and while I still believe that I want to experience the world as much as I can, I've realized the origins of some of the more "off the beaten path" goals I wrote down. And I realize now that I started writing down these goals after I had essentially resigned myself to not ever finding someone I cared about more than just a friend ever again. Goals like years in the peace corps, spending time in a monastery/temple, endless travel to the most remote places, hikes across deserts. I realize now that a good portion of my reason for wanting to do some of these more eccentric things was to have an excuse - to have a reason for being alone.

But I don't want to be alone. I had been lonely for a long, long time, and had pretty much resigned myself to a fate of lonesomeness before I met TT. I lost some of my warmth because of that. I turned colder. But I feel that thanks to TT, I have started to thaw and regain my warmth. Whatever doubts I may have had are completely gone. I honestly feel like a change has come over me in the past week, that I have begun to find myself again, and I really wish to show this change to the person I care so much about. But I'm worried, worried sick, that it's too little too late. All I want is to see her smiling face again and make her the happiest person in the world - like she once told me she was (世の中で一番幸せな子だと感じてるの) -　because she is the person I care about most.

Not again

A note, certain ominous words from a friend who says them and then doesn't stick around long enough for me to ask why... I feel like my heart is about to shatter. There's a heavy feeling in my chest - one of foreboding. Please, just tell me straightforward, whatever it is. If it will alleviate this foreboding then please, help me alleviate it. If it confirms this foreboding, then I'd rather have it confirmed than sit in my chest, boring its way to the deepest recesses of my heart.

We can make it

We can make it. It has been tough, rough, and occasionally hellish, but I have this gut-feeling that we can make it. It won't be easy, but now it will be easier. We'll learn from our mistakes, become better people from our mistakes - both of us - and as a result, we will make it. あずき、小豆。

I feel...

...so unwanted, for so many reasons.