Optimism vs. Hope

Does one imply the other? I forgot what the word for that is... Or are each of these ideas independent of each other and you can have one without any of the other. I feel like the latter may be true.

Right now I am either without hope or optimism... but I do have some, however little, of the other. Even when I feel like its impossible, that there is no chance, I still hang on to that little bit of hope. But I still feel like this... But I feel like I have no hope... so what am I? This is making no sense... I can't write about this now. I just don't know what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going - or who's really there anymore.

She's so happy right now. Not stressed, joking around with people - and to me it seems like she really likes him.

And there's this massive feeling of emptiness inside of me.

It was like

A black blob.... I don't know how else to describe it. All my thoughts were condensed into this superdense, black blob. If you cut it it was black, through and through. And if you tried to push it around and see what was inside it was very difficult because it was so dense. I couldn't give it any shape, any form. I couldn't extract any sort of distinct thought from it. All that it left was an all-encompassing feeling of sadness. So much so that when N Korea tested their nuke it felt as if there was no hope left in the world (as a whole - not in my personal life).

But then school came again and in order to survive I had to snap out of it... strange how things like that work.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme...a soundbite.
--Keane "Is it any wonder?"

It happens too much to hurt,
So tell me does it hurt to ask why?
Why do all of these things in my life,
Pass me by?

I can't sleep right now. I keep tossing and turning, kicking off my covers. I can't concentrate/think about anything. I think I dreamt about her coming in to try and comfort me, but I even kicked in my sleep when that happened, like it wasn't supposed to happen and it was a bad thing to think about. I almost cried tonight again; my eyes did get teary lying in bed. But still not enough to let me release. I don't know why I felt like this, it's break, shouldn't I be more relaxed? Or maybe it's because it is break that I feel like this... That I know there's not enough time. I live in a paradox. I need to have lots of work to do so that I don't think about these things, but these things make it so that I can't concentrate on work. I realized a couple of days ago that since I was a kid I've always liked being on the outside for some reason... I don't like it anymore. I used to climb high trees and get way up in the branches so I could watch other people and see what they did in their life. I still remember one time when I was up in one of the really tall trees in my yard that overlooked the road and two women were jogging by. I was singing to myself... I even think it was the song I'll Be by Edwin McCain. "I'll be, your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide. I'll be, better when I'm older, I'll be, the greatest, man in your life." I was like...10? 11? Anyways I was singing and they heard me and they stopped and looked up and said "Who's up there?" I stopped singing and stayed really still and tried to hide in the branches. I didn't want them to see me. But I've always liked that... being alone and looking back at other people and seeing how they live. I guess it's safer that way... you don't get hurt.

I'm sorry for leaving everyone. I just couldn't stay. I needed to be alone.