Falling back

Why is this happening again? I really didn't feel like going to 太鼓 yesterday even though I love it. I ended up playing only 5min even though I was there for 1.5hrs. It wasn't worth my time, I was afraid it would happen because they're performing on Thursday and I'm not in it. I've shown up to every practice, been one of the first ones there, one of the last to leave, made the meetings, but I've only performed once as a main attraction. I'm just doing sideshows, I never get to be on stage. I think I deserve more than that...

But that's besides the point. I wanted to cry yesterday again. I almost did, I felt the tears coming a couple of times; some in 太鼓 and some sitting outside, just sitting. I would give it all up if I could be truly happy - once more? for the first time? I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, and it sure feels that way right now. I am cursed, never meant to be...

It is a sad world

I was originally going to write how I screwed everything up... as usual. But then I thought about how insignificant my problems are compare to what's going on right now. I just finally had time to read about what happened at Virginia Tech. It's horrific. What makes people do such terrible things? I can't possibly imagine what the students at VT are going through right now. Friends lost, a world shattered - what could be worse? There's so much unnecessary death in today's world, why do we keep letting it happen? My thoughts go out to those at VT and those who have been affected by this horrible event.

And to think I was complaining about snow while others were suffering through this - how selfish am I?

Remembering those we've lost

I found out yesterday that a family friend who often advised me during high school passed away from Cancer on Saturday. It seems so sudden - she was only diagnosed at the end of last year. My mom had been trying to call me but couldn't get through because I was always in class/meetings/rehearsals, etc. She finally left a message yesterday. I was completely shocked when I heard her say "Ellen passed away Saturday." The woman who I remember has being good-natured, full of smiles, and willing to offer her guidance with her experience as a college advisor was suddenly gone and I wouldn't have another chance to see her, to thank her for all she did. It's has been 2.5 years since I last saw her (I haven't gone home in a while), but now I won't get to see her again. I feel guilty because I can't remember how we last parted, when we last saw each other exactly. It was so long ago. My mom told her about Stanford a few weeks ago - she knew it was my dream school. I hope it made her happy in someway... I hope she knew how much I appreciated what she did for me during high school, I'm not sure I really showed it that much... Now there's no more chances. Whenever someone I know passes away I always think back to a boy in elementary school, Anthony Taylor (I had to look up his last name yesterday - but I recognized it immediately when I saw it). He and his family were victims of an racist arsonist... all 9 of them. He was only 9 years old. I was his mentor the year before, when I was in 4th grade, asked to be so by my teacher because he was having trouble socially and academically. When I heard what happened, I drew him a picture of a dalmatian. I was drawing lots of animal pictures at that time, mostly tracing, but I copied his from a picture, I didn't trace. I wonder if I still have it in one of my folders somewhere. I always think of him, what he could have become if given the chance, where he would be now. I think it might have been the first death I had to deal with. If not, its certainly the first death I remember and it still affects me.

We sadly hear about it everyday, yet we only pause to think when it's someone we know.

Running round my head

For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about her today. Yet at the same time it was all in my head, and I still don't feel anything in my heart yet. I wonder why. I was excited to hopefully eat dinner with her tonight, which happened (sort of). She had to rush to a review session so she inhaled her food and left - understandable, she's really worried about this class. But all evening after that too my mind kept going back to her. And not like it was a single aspect (well, her face would keep coming to mind), it was just images of her, nothing ever complete or concrete. And always fleeting. I wonder if it's because I was reading a Korean novel followed by a Korean movie (I spent my whole evening doing Korean stuff). Strange. At the same time, I have this feeling that something good will come of it. Like it would really work out well. Because she was in my head so much I thought what would happen if I called/wrote a note/sent an IM saying that for some reason I couldn't get her out of my head all night. Obviously I didn't do anything of the sort. I wonder though, I have 3 weeks left... will I try to ask her out? Maybe if she keeps staying in my head. All of this unexpected.

Do I?

There's someone I think I might be starting to like. That's a good sign, too bad there's only 4wks of class left. She has a great personality. I think that's what is attracting me to her. I wonder, am I actually over it and now I'm moving on? That'd be nice. (I'm too tired to write something deeper, and right now I'm not sure if there's too much more I can say considering it's still in development.)