Missing

I saw Avatar last night - amazing movie.  It truly defines the epic experience.  Love, action, death, rebirth - all incorporated so amazingly well that you are completely sucked into this new fantastical universe and you just don't want to leave, much like Jake Sully himself.

But somehow, in the midst of all this, it brought tears to my eyes (at least made them damp) - and it was again at that predictable moment that brings tears to my eyes in other films.  The moment of support when the protagonist receives uninhibited, willful support from others around him.  Even in an action sci-fi film such as Avatar I felt this overwhelming emotion when I watched the screen.  Every time this happens to me I think, "is this what I'm missing in life?"  But at the same time, I also wonder if it's not the support, but the opportunity to prove myself to others - or perhaps even to myself - that I am strong, capable, and not average.  And I'm not talking about at everyday things in life, but something unusual, out of the ordinary.

Perhaps its both?

Or perhaps it's a need to find something worth fighting for, worth putting my livelihood (or life) on the line.  Nothing as petty as fame or riches, something entirely out of this materialistic capitalistic world.  Something I have yet to find.

Whatever it is, it's embodied in Avatar.

blah

I feel so unfulfilled.  I have things to do or things that I can do rather than just waste my time sitting at the computer, but I lack any motivation to do them.  It's hard when you have nothing concrete to look forward to and only knowledge of all the negative things that lie ahead.  It's hard for me to function when my mentality is like this.

I find myself constantly wishing I was back in Japan - at least I felt comfortable there.

Lonely

Just... lonely.  But not in terms of a significant other, just in terms of having people to hang out with.  Despite the fact I saw two of my good friends from middle school yesterday for dinner, I still feel this way.  Maybe it's because I feel that I really shouldn't do anything because I really need to save money.  I'm so worried about my finances.

And just an fyi: Imogen Heap's instrumental version of Ellipse is amazing.

Nostalgia

I wrote about the film "The Girl who Leapt Through Time" once before, and still the theme song is so moving to me. Especially on days when I'm hoping for a brighter future, but find it just out of reach. "Aozora" （青空, Blue Sky) really represents my emotions right now. I'm still at the beginning part of the song, but when the chorus part kicks in - that's where I hope to be.

As the weather cools and becomes autumn, I'm becoming very nostalgic towards my time in Japan. When I see the few maple trees around here in their shades of red and gold, I remember my time in Nikko and watching the trees in Kanagawa Park change color. I think my best memory of Japan was at the end of November. I always return to it - the walk from Ebisu to Shiodome with Esther after she went to church. We were both exploring a new city, the weather was cool, we were having fun, totally carefree. We stopped and ate 塩ラーメン (salt ramen) in Ebisu, looked for new kit-kats, wandered Roppongi Hills, took pictures of Tokyo Tower, sat and talked in a park and watched couples take pictures next to the changed leaves, and explore the walk ways crisscrossing along Shiodome. It was so refreshing, so carefree, so new - it was nice to have a friend to just see new things with. Thank you, Esther, for such an amazing time. Sorry that your feet were so tired by the end of it though >_<.

It's so hard to focus on the now... it's too stressful not having a job and having this big dark cloud with no silver lining called "student loans" hanging over my head. If I had a job secured I could just forget about that and I'd feel much better... but alas that is not to be. I guess that's why I'm feeling a little down (it's also cloudy).

What to do

I was feeling good about myself today after going to the career center - the counselor said my cover letter was "excellent" and that my resume looked fine as well.

Then I spoke with an acquaintance of mine just now who has experience as a consultant, and although he does tend to take quite a cynical view on things, he said there's a lot that can be done and as the resume currently stands, it'd be very hard for me to get a job with a consulting firm. It's all because of my stupid Cornell gpa.... It doesn't adequately represent me and my abilities, but I'll NEVER have the opportunity to demonstrate that because no one looks past it.

Now what the heck am I going to do...

Miyazaki

"If only Miyazaki films were like real life. No, if only real life was like Miyazaki films - at least the love stories." That's what my youngest brother said. He doesn't know how many times I have felt exactly the same way. We each make our own stories through life; no one has to follow the same path everyone else does - it's okay to carve our own impression into the rock of life. But it's not easy, if something goes wrong "you only have yourself to blame."

And the rain quietly sings its lullaby and gently guides me to a state of dreams and whispers of the heart.

Open your eyes

The cacophony of violins, drums, guitars, and other orchestral music crescendos into catharsis.

Open your eyes.

It moves me everytime I hear it. And everytime I listen to it I'm taken back to that night driving around Ithaca in the snow, gazing up at the stars, and driving just because we wanted to drive, without another care in the world. I could have spent all night out there under those stars - those stars that allow us to look into the past. Time travelers along the road of life.

Voltairean Travels

Voltaire writes in Candide, "Travel's the thing." He continues:

Such is the desire to be always on the move, to be somebody, and to show off about what you've seen on your travels...

However, he further writes:

When one is reasonably content in a place, one ought to stay there.

I am more than reasonably content with Japan and Hong Kong (especially Japan), but there is still so much I want to see and experience in the world. But is that not what travel is - to leave for somewhere new, to explore, and to return from whence you came with tales of your adventures? But long-term travel? Constantly moving about? Is that still travel, or is that where it becomes wanderlust? Wanderlust seems to imply perpetual unhappiness - no one place is good enough. Should we keep in check wanderlust or allow it to become our very guide through life?

On My Mind

Something's there. I feel like I should be really pensive, but the environment around me just isn't conducive to that. I feel like I'm trapped in the purgatory that is emotional indecision. And the greatest thing is, I don't even know why I'm feeling this need to be pensive. Perhaps it's the new future ahead of me combined with some nostalgic childhood moments.

Or maybe it's just the fact I've been sick all week.

Please vote for me!

You never know who may be reading your blog, so if you happened to stumble upon here, I'd really appreciate your help! (Keep reading, please):

I have a BIG favor to ask....

So last year I was really hoping to go to Antarctica with a friend of mine, but do to a change in circumstances I was unable to go. When I saw the pictures my friend took, the urge to visit Antarctica reared its head again, so after being informed of this “Blog your way to Antarctica” contest, I wrote an entry! (Totally random and midway through, but what the heck :-P). The winner is determined by votes, so I’d really appreciate it if you could take the time to vote for me (I have about 1800 to catch up on... but I have until the end of September ^_^).

Unfortunately, you do need to register with an e-mail address, but you don’t get any spam (it's one vote per email address). If you’re still cautious, you could use sites like http://www.mytrashmail.com/ to create a temporary email address to register and vote. If you could pass this email on to your friends, co-workers, etc., I’d really appreciate it. Antarctica has long been a dream of mine and I’d love to get the opportunity to visit. The competition goes until the end of September, so please, please help me out! Thanks soooo much! Go ahead and shoot away if you have any questions ^_^. Thanks again!!!

http://www.blogyourwaytoantarctica.com/blogs/view/388

or

http://www.blogyourwaytoantarctica.com/blogs/entries and search "Andrew Fleury"

Andrew ^_^

A little food goes a long way

A rainy evening, a bag of groceries, and a slow walk home. Two and a half ice cream bars and a meal or two later, the resulting food coma forces one to succumb to the comforts of a black couch. The other

Ok, screw it, I can't make anything poetic out of this right now - I am just so happy. No, we're happy. That's all that counts. I knew I couldn't just let her go, that I had to hang in there and chase after her. And now, our future is wide open before us. I know we'll make it, I know we will. No guarantees, but that doesn't matter because deep down I know.

After nearly three months, the emptiness is gone.

We both miss each other. Enough said.

I look across this table and see her right in front of me. If I was a third person staring at the two of us from the side, I don't think I could help but feel that I was watching two people who want each other, but for some reason can't see that themselves and simply let that table be the rift between them.

So close, but so far

She says she needs time, and I understand and will give her all the time she needs, which is why I didn't give her a deadline when she asked for one, but I am also confused. I know that there is something else that I am not aware of that is making this harder for her... perhaps something in the past even though she says otherwise? (She was worried about not living up to my "standards." But, do standards really matter that much? If your heart carries you to someone why deny that feeling simply because of a small deviation from the "ideal"? In the end, it's the heart that matters, not the mind. The mind can be changed more easily than the heart - we can fool our minds with excuses and reasons, but not our hearts.) I am confused because if there was a continuum like this:

enemy-<-------friend-------X>-bf/gf

then we are where that x is - right before that division. In our actions, what we say to each other - in our thoughts - they all seem to push us further right. I ask her why she came down Wednesday night, why she came down last night without even telling me (and as a result, we passed by each other on the trains as I went to her place without telling her), and she says "I just wanted to see you." But why? Why does she just want to see me? I'm so happy that she wants to see me, and that miraculously Kikuna is no longer "too far". But I just can't shake this feeling that, even if she still feels in her mind unsure about what to do, her heart is sure, and it keeps pushing her back towards me. Even after getting angry at me two weeks ago and saying she didn't want to talk to me for a long long time, she tried to talk to me because it was too painful not to. Her heart makes her say "I miss you." She misses me, and I miss her. One month face-to-face, one month apart, two months together but not, yet she still feels for me and wonders what to do. She said not having the title right now gives her some breathing room. For her mind or heart? I'm reminded now of what Darlena said to me when I was debating about getting into a relationship with her in the first place, "Just do what feels good." I'm sure this cliche phrase can be pulled out of a Disney movie or something - follow your heart. Our minds get in the way sometimes. Of course, it's her mind and her heart. I understand and will wait, but I am also confused.

When I was first trying to fall asleep, it was a weird sensation of things spinning even though my eyes were shut. It was the lingering feeling of her back against my arm, her waist against my hands - so tantalizing close - but still nothing to fill the emptiness in my chest, which has yet to embrace her. Just to pull her close and hold her tightly. To look her in the eyes and to see the way she looks back at me and know that, yes, we will create a future with each other. A wonderful, long future.

今を大事にする

Above Kikuna Station gazing out over the landscape, I sat. I watched, or rather heard, her train pull out of the station and make it's journey towards 武蔵小山. I couldn't help but think about all the things she had said and done that night... "Give me a piggy back ride," "I tend to fight with the people I get close to later," the way she looked into my eyes, especially when she looked back at me, not once, but twice as she walked towards the platform. Those weren't casual glances, her eyes lingered too long. She came so suddenly. I couldn't believe it. A simple 会いたい was all that she said. She had her ticket even before I confirmed that it would be ok for her to come or not (not like I would've said no anyways). And yet, she came. I've always imagined that one day she'd surprise me by being on my doorstep when I got home from school... I guess this is as close it will get for now.

Is something there? I know there is something here.

Sometimes, things need to go wrong before you know how to fix them. They need to break, fall to pieces. No, you can't return to the past and make sure it doesn't break, but that's not what we're supposed to do. You look towards the future. Once they break, you see their individual parts and can put them back together into something different from the past - not a simple patchwork of glue and tape that will fall apart at the slightest tremor, but something stronger and more enduring. Something that can stand against the elements of life.

It can be done as long as we are willing, as long as we are willing to shut our eyes, reach out with our hands and take hold. Nothing is achieved without taking that first step, however small that first step may be. But taking that first step knowing that someone will be there in case you stumble makes it all the easier.

Eternal Flame

The spark is just that - a spark, a fleeting instant of fire and flame that brightens the world around it. But as soon as it is ignited it is self-extinguished. It is ephemeral. It is an evanescent light. But when that spark disappears, it doesn't take everything with it. Rather, it doesn't disappear at all, but evolves into something more - as it is meant to do. It evolves into something that does not come and go, but remains, burning strong throughout the night. Like the sun it can illuminate an entire world, penetrating the forest and ocean depths. Like the sun, those enraptured in its brilliance are drawn towards the center and towards each other. It is this alternative universal constant - L - that leaves its mark across time and place. It is not to be feared, but embraced. It is not ephemeral eternity nor is it eternal evanescence. It has no such boundaries. But, much like one famous cat - it can only exist when acknowledged as such.

I have more on my mind I think, but I'm too tired right now.

Someone is crying

Someone is crying out there. Their tears are salty as they run down my face. They flow as if they have no end, drenching the ground around them. As much as I want them to come, they're not my tears. Though, just the thought of not seeing her nearly brought tears to my eyes. But, she said she feels bad when she's with me because of the pain she's caused me. Yet, at the same time she says she really values my friendship. I don't want to make her feel hurt more... I won't see her if it makes her feel hurt, despite how much pain it would cause me... I've had this pain before (though albeit not as strong as this will be), no reason for me to cause her something that she doesn't need to have. But.... God, I just want to see her, at the very least. Even just thinking of not seeing her.... thinking of the two of us becoming like Daphne and I are now... that's just too painful. I even started feeling a bit sick as I got home just thinking of that...

I purposefully didn't bring an umbrella with me. I wanted to feel the rain, to be soaked by the rain, to look up at the sky and let the rain be my tears that didn't come, washing over me. Standing outside the house just staring up and letting those sad droplets fall across my face and body. Tears for all those who are crying on the inside but unable to release the pain - the rain. It was salty, just like tears should be.

Ruined

This is not at all what I wanted. Not at all not at all not at all not at all. I didn't want to make her mad, to make her feel pressured to tell me immediately. All I wanted to do was to let her know how important to me, how much it would mean to me, that she would trust me one day - it didn't have to be immediate, but just that one day, maybe she would come to feel comfortable and trust me. And that day would make me feel really happy. It doesn't matter whether we're dating or not, it's a matter of human relationships. I never said it was okay for Darlena to not want to talk to me about something. I keep hoping that one day she too will feel like she can talk to me about it - and she also knows I'm waiting for that day.

God, I never wanted things to be like this. I wasn't trying to do this at all. I didn't want her to feel forced to tell me right then and there just because. It defeats the whole purpose if it doesn't represent that she feels comfortable with me - the information itself is NOT the point, it's the trust and comfort that is behind it. The information, when given, just represents that the trust and comfort is there. That's all it is. It is simply a symbol to say that she trusts me and feels comfortable with me. But now....

I can't lose her again... not like this... I don't want to lose her as a friend...

Please trust me

Will she ever trust me?　Will I ever be able to gain her trust? It hurts so much knowing that she doesn't trust me. I have no idea where I went wrong and lost her trust if I ever had it... No idea... I want to gain her trust. I want her to trust me. Even now.

I could handle the first part... but the second? Already liking someone else? That hurts so deeply. You don't tell someone you love them just to completely move on one month later. That's not what it means to love someone. I'm so torn, so hurt. There were tears in my eyes all the way as I biked home from school - not streaming down my face, but nestled in the corners. I want to see her, I want to hang out with her, but that second part hurts me so, so much. But I'm lonely without her around - even as a friend (even that is painful to write). I have no one else to hang out with, no one else to be with - everyone is just too busy. I wonder if I'm stupid for having invested so much of myself into her even after she came back, and for still wanting to invest into a relationship - whatever kind - between us. But, I want to because I care for her. She said last night she feels bad because she gets angry around me and towards me easily. I don't take it personally because I know she isn't angry at me, and if she is it's usually something so small and probably once again totally misread that I don't let it hurt me personally. She has stress, she has no one else around who she can really express all of her frustrations to, she says I won't understand sometimes. There's a difference between understanding and agreeing (particularly when it comes to her views on Japan and Japanese society). I just want to support her however I can. I don't want to estrange her, but I don't know how I will react the next time I see her. That second part hurts so much, it cuts so deeply.

I just pray that whomever she gets together with is able to give her the things that I couldn't, and keep her happier than I was able to do. She deserves that. (geez, I'm about to cry just writing that part).

Where's someone to talk to when you need them...

Once upon a time

"Would you tell me a story?"

"Tell me a story!"

"Once upon a time, there was a frog and a unicorn..."

花見

I went up to 東中野 today to meet some friends that Tingting introduced to me last week. I ended up not seeing them - they were too busy. I instead was passed off to another guy who was very kind and nice to talk with, though at times I did feel like he was trying a bit to hard to explain the tenets of Christianity to me by explaining the four fundamental "laws of Christianity" that Bill Bright wrote at one point in his life - he's an evangelist who promotes evangelism by the way. That was a bit uncomfortable... Anyways, I had fun: I enjoyed talking to people, writing a haiku, eating 団子 etc. But despite that, I didn't feel... satisfied. Personally, emotionally, satisfied. I had long hoped that Tingting and I could walk together under the cherry blossoms. When we were together I had imagined we'd hold hands and just watch the petals flutter in the wind. I'd probably take lots of pictures of her with the flowers all around. After things ended, I still wanted to walk with her under the blossoms. It would be different, but it's still very much an experience I wanted to share with her. And now... I don't think I'll get that chance. She was busy and still wants time apart. The blossoms will fall soon, and I don't think she'll want to see me before then. Even though I've been trying not to consciously think about her, it's as if she's always there in my mind, that her presence in my mind is just felt even if not focused on. As if you know there is someone standing behind you even though you don't see them. When I do let myself to think about her - everything about her - I get a shortening of breath. Our lives are so perfectly aligned except for one little bit - a year or two out of decades to come. I really miss her. I miss her so much.

Repetitive

I keep saying the same things to her. She knows how I feel. I should just stop repeating it, it probably does more harm than good. I guess there isn't much more I can say unless she brings up any specific concerns. I know she's worried about the long distance - really worried. When we first got together I said, we'll just take it as it comes. We made it a month together in not-the-best of circumstances (unable to call (Skype is only so useful), my own delusions etc.). I really think we can make it further. It's not like we won't see each other AT ALL for semesters on end. I wouldn't allow that to happen, I'd go to wherever she would be - physical presence does so much. I feel like time would go by much quicker when we're at school too exactly because we'll both be busy, so it would sort of offset itself. Small phone calls here and there walking back from classes and such too can do a lot. It's sort of like the texting we did while I was at school here. Anyways, I just have to give her time and essentially shut up. But, I will still look to the sky and pray.

why oh why

She brought up the fact that she still hasn't told me her age... did she not read my journal? If she did, does she still not realize how much that hurt me? How it still hurts to know that she doesn't trust me? If she does,then does she want to hurt me to turn me away from her? Why would she want to do something like that? She said I should date someone because that person is very independent and apparently "I LOVE independent people." Why does she say these things to me? Why does she want to make this so hard on me?

She looks absolutely beautiful in her new profile picture... My heart beats faster and then I get a knot in my chest when I look at it...

On repeat

Day after day goes by, just the same as the day before. I can't concentrate; I lack motivation to do anything.

Someone asked me if I had told her how, "for the past two months I've been feeling this emptiness. That for the time she was in China all I looked forward to everyday was her coming home and that moment where I would be able to hug her and hold her close. That day came, and all I did was barely catch her eyes as I took the luggage cart from her. The emptiness has been stronger ever since, gnawing at my insides bit by bit."

I haven't told her.

Some thoughts

On the way home today I started thinking about how I sometimes feel that people forget their friends when they start working. They work hard all day, come home, and are too tired to email or chat with their friends just to see how their, likely equally tiring, day was. Sure, I can understand when this happens occasionally, but everyday for months on end? Do people really forget about their friends? Is it seen as somehow fulfilling your responsibility as an employee to put in all o those extra hours and ignore the people whom you call -- used to call(?) -- friends? Yes, I can understand that you do have to fulfill your obligations to work, but we have to recognize that there is, in a sense, an obligation to other people -- indeed an obligation to yourself -- to maintain the basics of a human relationship. I feel that people these days are forgetting that. As Murakami Haruki said in his acceptance speech of the Jerusalem Prize: we are all fragile eggs easily shattered against the wall known as The System (which I actually felt was a very dystopian word to use). Perhaps this is an example of that System affecting what we feel we are responsible for. In my opinion, in the long run our human relationships are much more important than our jobs, but we're caught in this System -- the real world as some call it -- and feel the need to elevate these Systematic obligations above all else. Perhaps something to think about a bit.*

I watched 時をかける少女 (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time) again today. It's such a powerful movie. I didn't cry, but I was on the brink just as the movie ended... The soundtrack is beautiful and the theme song is the climax of that beauty. It is sad, yet hopeful; it evokes feelings of losing something, but looking towards the future hoping to find it again. I guess I'm tending to like those types of songs these days. You should watch it...

*I'm not promoting anarchism/antiestablismentarianism with my discussion of the so-called System, I'm just applying Murakami's metaphor to my observations of human behaviour.

Powerful words

"Thank you" and "I'm sorry" are the two most powerful phrases in the English language (and their equivalents in other languages as well). They demonstrate gratitude and humility. Is it so hard to offer a little gratitude even for the small things? Even when someone tries to offer help but isn't able to be as helpful as they had hoped? A little "thank you" goes a long way. "I'm sorry" goes even further - two little phrases that can seriously begin to change the world.

Have you said "thank you" today? Is there someone you should have said "thank you" to, but didn't? Try saying "I'm sorry" the next time you see them and apologize for not thanking them at that time, and then thank them - notice the change that comes over them even if they politely turn it away with a, "Don't mention it," or, "It was no big deal."

Powerful words indeed.

Wind

I love the wind. It's powerful yet gentle, silent yet orchestrates a symphony of whistles, clinks, clatters, and tings. Invisible. It ruffles your clothes, runs through your hair, whistles past the trees, but where does it go? Why is it in such a rush? It takes birds high up into the sky and ships far across the sea, it fells trees and spreads the seeds of life afar. It cycles out the old air for the new, refreshing in every way. Every time the wind is stronger than just a breeze I want to jump and spread my arms and pray that it catches me and carries me off to somewhere new, somewhere fascinating, somewhere no one else has gone before. To just, simply, fly. Wind brings change and renewal. From cold to hot from hot to cold. Clear to cloudy, rain to sunshine. It's been windy lately. What change will it bring? What will be renewed?

Silence

...is the hardest part. It leaves open avenues of hope and worry; your mind races with both as they become intertwined into a swirling ball of emotion sinking its way deep into your heart. Your imagination races this way and that adding to the pandemonium.

And all the while you stare out the window and whisper - pray - "Please"

Karmic Cycles

Perhaps the slate is clean now and it's a chance to start anew - and not another cycle, but a long straight (perhaps a few squiggles in it) line. (Until we die and get reborn thousands of times before we're finally enlightened... now that's what I call a cycle - who has the time for that type of cycle? yeesh...).

Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes (w/ lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh3elY042pU

Snow Patrol - Hands Open (w/ lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq0hr0eImXc

I love Snow Patrol's lyrics - I get chills listening to them (actually it's the instrumental break in Open Your Eyes that always gives me chills - and multiple times. It's so powerfully emotional).

My own messages - unheard

"I caught a glimpse, but its been forgotten
So here we are again
I made a vow, to carry you home

I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again

I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out

I figured it out, I can see again"
--Bloc Party - So Here We Are


"I won't desert you
I don't know what to say
I really hurt you
I nearly gave it all away

I've got it all wrong
Cause you were not the wrong one
And I don't know where to turn when you're gone

How many times must I lose my way, hey
How many words do I have to say, hey
What can I do just to make you see
That you're so good for a man like
A man like me"
--New Order - Waiting For The Sirens' Call

Though the last line of the above sounds a bit self-centered to me... haha.

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
No need to complicate
Our time is short
It can not wait, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, The sky is yours..."
--Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Subliminal messages

I can't help but drop my jaw at the coincidence of the two songs she just sent me - if they are actually coincidences.

"Don't ask why, before you ask the question and I die inside, just let me walk away
Before we get too close just let me say goodbye - it's easier this way."

"Maybe we're friends, maybe we're more, maybe it's just my imagination.
But I see you stare just a little too long, and it makes me start to wonder.
So baby, call me crazy, but I think you feel it too.
Maybe I, maybe I, just gotta get next to you."

I hope the second one is the result.

"Whacha gonna say, wacha gonna do to get the one you want to want to get next to you." (from the 2nd)

I'm hoping that what I've done and written and my actions will make her want to be next to me.

Not worrying?

Who am I kidding. I've done some work for the day, but now have a hard time focusing. I took a "break" (a rather long break) and watched a movie and some TV episodes, but now that those are done, I find myself staring out the kitchen window imagining some how my thoughts stretch across the distance, "please... please." Scenes of movie-esque happy and tearful reunions fleet through my head. Not worrying? Perhaps not in an "oh my god I'm going to freak out" type of way, but I'm nervous - perhaps that's it - enough that I'm pacing and staring and trying to keep my mind distracted. (The problem is, studying doesn't distract me).

Funny how the final episode of Battlestar Galactica discusses greater powers (named God or not) given my last post. What a series that was.

I did it

I left it behind yesterday, under her pillow. She'll probably find it. How I want so much for things to go as I hope... but if they don't at least we're still here. Oh, how I hope... If I believed in God, this would surely be one of those times where I would be praying. I do make wishes/speak - perhaps sort of like a prayer - to the sky sometimes. Perhaps I'm speaking to the birds, the clouds, the stars, or just this general idea of something else having influence in our lives, and perhaps would positively influence mine, but I only have those thoughts in times like these. Perhaps it is more of a ritual than it is spiritual for I truly believe that fate only brings us so far and the rest we have to do on our own. Regardless, how I hope...

misunderstandings

I called her a few minutes ago... My heart was beating so quickly and my chest getting tense... I was afraid of something small and completely insignificant to get bigger due to a series of misunderstandings. This really tended to be the cause of anytime we fought over the past month... small misunderstandings one side misunderstanding the other - both ways - that piled up and created something bigger. But that can be fixed, easily fixed, with just a little patience. To realize that the other person misunderstood and to re-explain and forgive for any subsequent thing that happened that might have been perceived as offending because the two people were reading the same thing differently. To trust that person intended no harm and simply, simply misunderstood. That's all it is. It's not a foundation shattering difference, it's just something that requires awareness. And eventually, you learn to anticipate the intentions of the other and these misunderstandings evaporate into thin air as if they never existed.

What do you do?

What do you do when all you can think about is chasing after the person who has meant more to you than you thought was possible? What do you do when you have this deep it-will-move-your-body-on-its-own feeling that you would do anything to be with that person because you know, you just know but cannot explain, that there is something more there, something special there that cannot be rationalized? What do you do when you feel that a beautiful series of events brought you together and a cruel, cruel twist of fate tore you apart unwarranted? What do you do when you truly feel that twist was not supposed to be the end, but supposed to be the beginning of something stronger, to open the eyes of those involved, not to the ruts and pot holes in the road on which they had already journeyed - those were strongly felt along the way - but to the flat tire that amplified those ruts and pot holes and deceived the passengers into thinking the road ahead would always be that rough, when in reality once the tire is changed, becomes drastically smoother; a twist meant to prepare them for a smoother ride on the long road ahead? "Part Two" if you would, except that the latter half is supposed to be much, much longer than the first.

What do you do if these feelings are so strong and so clear that no matter what you put your mind to, it always comes back to this: what will I do?

never felt this way about someone before

I really have never felt this way before about someone. It came at a time I least expected it with, in a location I least expected, and a person I least expected. But I have truly never felt this way about someone. If flying halfway around the world to see her and beg her on my knees would bring her back, I would. And no, this is not like it was with Daphne - I was dependent and needy then. I feel completely different from then. I feel like I have found the person who I want to give everything I possibly can to, the person who I want to be there for whenever they need someone. Everything felt - still feels - so right, I close my eyes and it looks so right. She means so much to me, so, so much. Why couldn't I realize that sooner? Why couldn't I show that to her sooner? Why did I have to be so jaded by my past?

She used to sing this one song all the time, and I always told her I liked her version better. I just downloaded the original. And while listening... totally caught off-guard... I broke down.

Baby boy, 私はここにいるよ。どこも行かずに待ってるよ。
You know that I love youだからこそ心配しなくていいんだよ。
どんなに遠く行っても変わらないよ、この心。
言いたいこと分かるでしょう？
あなたのこと待ってるよ。

What I wanted to say

"I hope all is going well on set. Don't stress out too much, ok? I wish I could be there or somehow support you and give you more energy and encouragement, or be there when you finally get done and the next day have to release the frustration at all of the problems that occurred."

It's been like this ever since I came back from China and realized all those things I realized: everyday there are less and less of other things in my head and more of her.... and it won't stop.

Sound of her voice...

or just the thought of her singing as we walked along... makes my heart beat faster. God I miss her.

矛盾

I want to see her. I really, really want to see her, whether or not its painful. Not seeing her is more painful. I want to take those walks with her again - Tokyo is too lonely without her there. Some people think I'm crazy for still wanting to see her and spend time with her after all of this. But who wouldn't want to see and spend time with the person they care so much about? Is that not what caring means? Does it not mean that no matter what you will be there for them? Those feelings are always a part of you unless you are so deeply cut that you bleed out and cannot forgive. I promised her once that I would always support her, and I fully intend to keep my promise.

I hope she's not too stressed on her PV set today...

Trains

Staring down the tracks, I (secretly) hope, despite how many people would tell me to do otherwise, that our lives will follow the path those trains take. From one they split into two, encompassing the platform as their lives take separate yet parallel paths through that period of time. But even though they lose sight of each other, they find each other once again on the other side, becoming one.

And going through 田園調布 and 学芸大学 brings their own pain with the connections I make to those two stations. They seem like such lonely places now.

Musical emotions

I feel like the melody to this song really captures my emotions right now... it's so very sad, as if it is mourning something lost, while at the same time looking towards the future and the moments to be spent remembering and making more memories, but never, NEVER forgetting. At least, that's how it feels to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYtbGueuXoY from about 4:34 (the quality doesn't do it justice, but there's no HQ version)

Running through my head

And in my brain its going wrong
And I will live today
And I will live tomorrow
No matter what is said or done
Even if its going wrong
You're burning out my head

-Armin van Buuren & DJ Shah feat. Chris Jones
"Going Wrong"

I'm not sure how the writers interpret that last line, but to me, it means you will always be a part of me.

Knowing vs. Believing

I know. I know, trust me I know.

It's so hard to believe right now, so difficult. It sits there on top of my brain pretending to be a simple factoid, a truth. Yet it is, nevertheless, not a certainty, but an amalgam of experiences, stories, hopes, and dreams - but they're all from others, not from within. Hence it sits, on top of the brain, unable to near the point where thought becomes belief and it embeds itself into the deepest furrows of the heart.

I know. I know, trust me I know.

But I can't believe, just not yet.

Shattered

The glue called hope fell off like a scab once more revealing a shattered and broken heart. Sounds of pleasure throw salt on the wound, the subsequent laughter tramples on it. Dreams drifting back to from whence they came, leaving nothing but their empty husks that bring tears and convulsions when gazed upon. The emptiness in my chest where the warmth of another could be felt after a long embrace. Not a single word of comfort can be heard for all are busy and rightfully concerned about more important things.

But I need that comfort, for I am all alone in a strange land with no one to turn to for help. I am once again adrift.

I'm sorry I couldn't look at you and say "see you later"...

鶴 pt. 2

Those same lost, soulless birds have found their way. Clinging to their perches upon high for one to see, there they waited in hopes of rebirth. Scattered rays of light from afar groped their way towards the silhouettes and along those avian bodies and folded edges. And for a moment, that brief moment when time stood still and the display was absorbed, something unexplainable stirred within, and accumulated to create the hint of a single tear.

Soup

I can't cook when I'm sad... I don't know what to add or how much, so I just add everything and all the flavours blend together into a grey mess. Sorry for the unsavoury mess.

What to do...

She's here... I want to tell her, I want to. But... I know she's tired, she wanted to talk, so I think she'll bring it up at some point... when? It's so hard to look at her... She saw her wall... I don't know what she thought... it was dark so she couldn't see the details, she didn't ask, and I'm afraid to bring it up unless she does. I miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her close and tell her that everything will be alright, that we can make it together. That there is a future for us. This is so hard... I want her here, but at the same it's painful, lonely, it hurts.

Friends

I had an amazing talk with Alicia. She really opened my eyes to how my actions were being perceived in the relationship. Even though she knew I didn't mean harm, nor would she take offense if the same things were done to her, if it was a relationship situation she felt they could definitely be taken the wrong way. Alicia is very different than my previous girlfriends, so hearing this - admittedly again - made it finally hit home. Of course Alicia and she are not equivalents, but it gave me a completely new outside view on how things were, and even about me individually. I have things to work on, and I will work on them because I don't want to be that way because I hate people who are and I thus right now I'm very disappointed in myself for becoming like this and not realizing it. You were right, I'm sorry.

鶴

30 cranes sit quietly, serene in their stillness and majestic in their composure. Yet, they are lost. Without destination and without origin, they now sit there for the eye to appreciate, but not for the heart. The words and feelings that they hoped to convey have lost all but their most concrete form, vanished into thin air. And now they sit as soulless birds of a feather, each ever so different from the other. As easily extinguished by wind as by fire, their unassuming visages prey upon those with hope and those who lost it. A man once said, "to be or not to be, that is the question," but these cranes take no such issue, for there is no question of the sort as they are; they exist in a concrete form that has tangibility and absorbs those rays of light to display their dazzling colours. Thus, they silently repeat the question back to us and say, "to be or not to be - we are at the mercy of your hands." Yet, despite their poisonous empty stares, their mere presence reminds of a time past not worth forgetting, when they had soul and when they took flight towards the very hearts that consumed their very being.

安心

The weight has been lifted. :-) :-)

Thank you

I was talking with Darlena again today because she always listens and always gives me good advice, even if she knows it's not what I want to hear, she tells me how it is and tries to set me straight. At one point in our conversation:

D: i know i must hv told u this many many times
D: but believe in urself..and hv confidence in urself..
Me: i try, i really do
D: and that is not just how u present urself
D: in fact..it's not that at all
D: it's wt u believe within
D: and a really big part of that is not afraid of being alone
Me: well, i think i'll need more time to overcome that fear.. it's something that has become ingrained in me from years and years of painful experiences (even before college)
D: i understand

"I understand." It's such a simple thing to say, but somehow, it means so much to me. I even felt my eyes getting a bit wet at the corners when I read that (which is why I immediately wrote this). I don't think there is anything else that could have been said there that would have fit so perfectly, that would have shown me that she really does care and understand. Thank you so much for being there for me and for really listening and understanding. Thank you so much.

Scared

Scared to be alone. That is my biggest fear. These past few days I have done a lot of reflecting and I have determined that it is a fact that I have not been willing to face for the longest time. I always talk about my goals to see and experience the world and all it has to offer, and while I still believe that I want to experience the world as much as I can, I've realized the origins of some of the more "off the beaten path" goals I wrote down. And I realize now that I started writing down these goals after I had essentially resigned myself to not ever finding someone I cared about more than just a friend ever again. Goals like years in the peace corps, spending time in a monastery/temple, endless travel to the most remote places, hikes across deserts. I realize now that a good portion of my reason for wanting to do some of these more eccentric things was to have an excuse - to have a reason for being alone.

But I don't want to be alone. I had been lonely for a long, long time, and had pretty much resigned myself to a fate of lonesomeness before I met TT. I lost some of my warmth because of that. I turned colder. But I feel that thanks to TT, I have started to thaw and regain my warmth. Whatever doubts I may have had are completely gone. I honestly feel like a change has come over me in the past week, that I have begun to find myself again, and I really wish to show this change to the person I care so much about. But I'm worried, worried sick, that it's too little too late. All I want is to see her smiling face again and make her the happiest person in the world - like she once told me she was (世の中で一番幸せな子だと感じてるの) -　because she is the person I care about most.

Not again

A note, certain ominous words from a friend who says them and then doesn't stick around long enough for me to ask why... I feel like my heart is about to shatter. There's a heavy feeling in my chest - one of foreboding. Please, just tell me straightforward, whatever it is. If it will alleviate this foreboding then please, help me alleviate it. If it confirms this foreboding, then I'd rather have it confirmed than sit in my chest, boring its way to the deepest recesses of my heart.

We can make it

We can make it. It has been tough, rough, and occasionally hellish, but I have this gut-feeling that we can make it. It won't be easy, but now it will be easier. We'll learn from our mistakes, become better people from our mistakes - both of us - and as a result, we will make it. あずき、小豆。

I feel...

...so unwanted, for so many reasons.