Another dream, finally.

I had a dream last night, right before I woke up. I was outside in the cul-de-sac between HILC and JAM. I was looking up at the night sky with lots of stars. There were some people standing around looking up too - as if it were a fire drill - but I didn't pay attention to them and they didn't pay attention to me. They were just there as space fillers I guess. As I stood looking at the sky Laura came over to me. She said she was glad to see me, but I still looked at the sky, not wanting to look at her, afraid of my own reactions. Then, she suddenly hugged me and started crying. I looked down and sort of held her away from me so I could look at her face - and I didn't feel comfortable being hugged by her... I felt my own feelings about her were conflicting in my mind. I've never seen her cry before, but somehow the face I envisioned in my mind would be exactly what she would look like if she did cry, I know it - and it hurt to look at it. I told her, "Please, don't," as I stopped her from hugging me. She stood in front of me and continued to cry saying, "When are you coming back? You're not the only one being hurt by all of this." Then the people around us got in between us and she sort of disappeared (or did I disappear?).

Am I hurting her? I don't want to hurt her. Maybe I need to finally break down my wall. But I'm not sure I can. I don't want to hurt her.

Happy Lunar New Year!!!

To all my friends celebrating the new year this weekend:
Sun nin fai lok! Gung hei fat choi!
Xīnnián kuàilè! Gōngxǐ fācái!

And I don't know how to say it in any other language...

There's a difference...

...between happiness and momentary happiness.

I am f***ing sick and tired of this. I do the right thing, for the benefit of everyone, and the when he comes down on me for no f***ing reason no one backs me up, no one says anything. No one realizes what he's doing and no one f***ing cares. He's been disrespecting me ever since I took over and he has no trust in me - well why the f*** did you ask me to help you in the first place. You say I do nothing - well maybe if you stopped taking MY JOBS then I would have something to do! And you say it as if you know you're right when we have it written down - in a document we all agreed on - that it's my f***ing job!!! And because of that I go out and try to start something up somewhere and then you say I'm going behind people's backs. Make up your f***ing mind! And when I try to clear up a problem face to face with administration here rather than through endless emails (as people forget how important face to face talks are in this day of technology) he just yells at me for being unprofessional and going behind people's backs. LOOK AT THE F***ING PICTURE!!!!! I'M NOT UNDERMINING THIS ORGANIZATION, I'M HELPING IT F***ING GROW!!! NOT ONCE HAVE I RECEIVED ANY SORT OF THANK YOU OR ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT I DO! THE ONLY REASON WHY I DON'T SAY F*** YOU AND LEAVE IS BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS ORGANIZATION. You say that I go behind people's backs - well why the heck do you start talking to all these people without even telling me! I TOLD YOU I was going to talk to people. You know what - FUCK YOU! I'm so F***ING frustrated with you and everyone who doesn't do jack that I feel like crying. F*** OFF. Thanks for ruining my night.

I don't know where I want to be, what I feel, what I want to feel. Who I want to see, who I don't want to see. What I want to do or what I want others to do. I just don't know anything.

"I don't know where to turn"

I just watched a slideshow of my pictures from Tokyo this summer. The pictures of Francis doing crazy things and the memories associated with them brought a smile to my face. I miss you buddy! たくや（すまない。名前の漢字は分からないんだ）とお母さんによろしくね！ Looking at my pictures I think, "I miss those times. I want to be back there. I don't want to be here." Is it because of the memories I have there? Is it because I feel like I fit in there, despite my 187cm caucasian-ness? The fact that I didn't feel lonely even though I was hanging out with him and Yukae? Or is it just that any place is better than here now. I'm not sure, I look at my other pictures and I don't have as strong of an urge to go back to Takuno (even though I really liked it there). But Hong Kong doesn't bring me hurtful memories anymore. I guess the wall in my mind is strong enough for me to think about Hong Kong without thinking about her... which, in a way, is not a good thing.

Everytime I think about my past, I realize that Japan has always been a safe place for me. I've always wished I was in Japan when something was happening to me (even before I had visited). Its my tendency to run away I guess. I just feel really lonely again. (Just? I don't know.) It's Casino Night again in ILC, but I can't make myself go and help like I've done every year. I still can't face the two of them together yet... And I know they'll be there. But I know people will come look for me... I just want to hide. But where? Japan is too far...

I just want it all to end.