I did it... sort of

I came back from classes early yesterday... saw her online. And before I could let myself change my mind I walked over to her suite. I hesitated for a little outside of her suite, not sure if I really was up to it. What would I say? What would I do? I knew I had to pay her for cell phone bills... so I thought that could be my fall back, otherwise I'd just try making conversation. I hadn't talked to her since... end of October? Four months... Well I knocked on her door, I don't what she thought or how I looked, but we talked for a little. She had two prelims that night so it wasn't a very long conversation, maybe 7min? Just talked about classes... the typical topics you talk about when you feel like you don't really know someone, like when you first start talking with a classmate. It was awkward, for sure. But I finally went to see her. I didn't have the same emotional reaction as I used to; it's probably because I was so saddened (too light of a word?) when they got together (I wasn't hurt, no one did anything to hurt me). But I still stood looking at her eyes, her hair... I didn't think of what could've been, well, maybe it entered my mind for a fleeting instant, but all I did was try and stay in the present. I don't know if I'm ready to move on yet though. I still think she's absolutely beautiful - and I don't think that will ever change. But I don't think I can move on until I see them both together, and I still don't think I'm ready for that. You know, before when I used to write entries like this one I would be thinking about them being together and everything that goes with that. I would wish that it was me and think about what it would be like if it were me. But now, I don't. I have this concept that is "them" in my mind, but it's no longer defined. It's only a concept. A floating word missing a definition or an image. Rather, it's there, but it's been locked way and the key destroyed. Only by bashing down the walls will it be released. I don't want to break down those walls. But will I be able to free myself if I don't? Am I also trapped inside? If not me, an important part of me? I feel... so unfeeling towards others lately. Not cold, but absolutely ambivalent. I remember what I used to be like, I'm not like that anymore. Smiles, laughs, studious, athletic, but knows how to have fun. Loves to hang out with friends just chatting, eating, watching movies. I don't do that anymore. I do hang out with people, but I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere. I'm a drifter just trying to find his place again. I read the other day in a novel that those who always wish that those who don't think about their homes or families are without homes, that they're still searching for a place to call home. Am I searching for my home, the place where I belong? Or am I trying to find myself again? Will that hold the answer? Where have I gone?

Can someone help me look for............ me?