Scared

Scared to be alone. That is my biggest fear. These past few days I have done a lot of reflecting and I have determined that it is a fact that I have not been willing to face for the longest time. I always talk about my goals to see and experience the world and all it has to offer, and while I still believe that I want to experience the world as much as I can, I've realized the origins of some of the more "off the beaten path" goals I wrote down. And I realize now that I started writing down these goals after I had essentially resigned myself to not ever finding someone I cared about more than just a friend ever again. Goals like years in the peace corps, spending time in a monastery/temple, endless travel to the most remote places, hikes across deserts. I realize now that a good portion of my reason for wanting to do some of these more eccentric things was to have an excuse - to have a reason for being alone.

But I don't want to be alone. I had been lonely for a long, long time, and had pretty much resigned myself to a fate of lonesomeness before I met TT. I lost some of my warmth because of that. I turned colder. But I feel that thanks to TT, I have started to thaw and regain my warmth. Whatever doubts I may have had are completely gone. I honestly feel like a change has come over me in the past week, that I have begun to find myself again, and I really wish to show this change to the person I care so much about. But I'm worried, worried sick, that it's too little too late. All I want is to see her smiling face again and make her the happiest person in the world - like she once told me she was (世の中で一番幸せな子だと感じてるの) -　because she is the person I care about most.