What if Cupid used a sniper rifle?

That's what we thought of last night while drawing on the chalkboard...wouldn't that be awesome? Commando Cupid to the rescue. In case you're wondering how it came up it started when PY asked why he used an arrow - and I said because they didn't have guns back then. It went from there :p. And we decided that Cupid with a musket wouldn't work because he would always miss and no one would fall in love. Hence Commando Cupid: Sniper Edition took shape (drawings complete with Matrix-bullet-time-dodging citizen).

First - a genuine Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.

And now - the thoughts:

I'm tired...so very tired.........We had a secret valentine thing organized amongst some friends. I thought it would be fun so I took part. But it was so hard for me to figure out what to do... I didn't want to do something 'usual' and traditional - e.g. chocolates and flowers. Other people were doing scavenger hunts, and I didn't have any music I could burn for Pamela (not to mention Lukas already did that). So I tried to make a 3D-sudoku....it's impossible to do that with paper and pencil. You need to have a computer program and algorithms to figure it out for you....trust me....I tried....really, really hard. So I resorted to making (or trying to make) a sudoku-themed wallpaper for her computer.....it was horrible. I was so tired so I couldn't concentrate on it and I couldn't get any creative juices flowing....at 3am. Then I tried working on it more when I got back from class this afternoon....and then I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. Even if it did turn out how I had envisioned it, it would have still been an extremely stupid gift. Suddenly it felt like my whole day fell apart, that nothing would go right (it definitely started out on the wrong foot by missing my alarm and missing a class. Also not to mention I missed an important CUSat meeting yesterday....yeah...brilliant Andrew).

But anyways I suddenly felt overwhelmingly stressed....and then...sad. I started thinking about her (not Pamela) again... how I had ideas for what to do for her on Valentine's Day when we were still together. I could use those idea's for Pamela's gift - those ideas came to me for a specific person, I can't just use them for anybody. But I missed her. Usually Valentine's Day doesn't bother me at all - I'm not one of those anti-Cupid people who think valentine's day is evil for all single people. But today, I didn't feel bitter, but I felt sad that I didn't have anyone...I wanted to tell her Happy Valentine's Day...but I think it would've been awkward for her. I wanted to tell it to her as a friend....because I think that's all we'll ever be now :(. Andres and I have talked a lot to each other about what it means to 'move on' (I still don't like that phrase)...We both seem to be able to live our lives...but then something triggers a memory or a feeling and we swing back....I guess that will happen for awhile to come. But anyways...I started feeling sad - not just about her, but about life. I felt like nothing was coming together for me anymore when at the beginning of the year it felt as if everything was perfect. My parents want me to come back during Spring Break....I hope they don't make me go back...I don't want to have to split my time between them for one week and have to deal with it then be thrown back into the midst of school again. It feels like my life is falling apart.

I don't know why...usually I can write what I feel and get it out and make it clear...but tonight...the above doesn't seem clear at all...it doesn't seem to give justice to how I'm feeling...It's not so straightforward as the above issues make it seem I guess. Maybe there are somethings I'm still trying to figure out...Do you know why I don't get stressed? I think I realize that I have discrete levels of stress - one side is a little bit of stress that I can handle no problem and just go on with my life and be happy and hyper with friends. The other side is huge amounts of stress which make me feel like my life is falling apart (like today). But it doesn't stay as stress for me...I think I channel that stress into sadness....I start to think about things that used to be...or that I wish could be but probably won't...I guess that's the main reason why I didn't go up to share our secret valentine identities tonight. Part of it was, yes, I was embarrassed at how lame my gift was (if I can find the time I want to come up with something else and do something for Pamela that's better than just that lame wallpaper). But the other part was that I just felt like being alone again. Isn't that wierd...when you think I'd need friends the most I just want to be alone. I'm all backwards. I guess I've just had no where to turn to for most of my life. <--- OK...so I'm leaving this in...because I wrote it, but then I thought about it and I see how untrue it is because I've always had my friends in Cali. So I've had people I can turn to, do I sometimes try to portray my life a little harder than it actually is?? I don't want to do that....that's like putting up a facade just like my mom - what I spend my life trying to avoid.

But anyways...yeah I was super-stressed today....probably due to the added pressure of getting something for valentine's day which in itself brought up memories and feelings which in turn turned into some sort of stress which turned into sadness. At one point I just wanted to leave the dorm and go find a place of solitude outside on the fields or behind the obersvatory and just sit and stare at the sky and wish things would get better. I thought about crying to. I wasn't as close to it as I was in the past...but I thought about it and felt like I probably could've if I thought about the things that make me want to cry.....But anyways....today was a bad day....probably half of it caused because of the things we did for Valentine's Day and half just because things weren't going well to begin with (starting actually with Monday). But nevertheless,

Happy Valentine's Day people (which was officially yesterday now).