It happens too much to hurt,
So tell me does it hurt to ask why?
Why do all of these things in my life,
Pass me by?

I can't sleep right now. I keep tossing and turning, kicking off my covers. I can't concentrate/think about anything. I think I dreamt about her coming in to try and comfort me, but I even kicked in my sleep when that happened, like it wasn't supposed to happen and it was a bad thing to think about. I almost cried tonight again; my eyes did get teary lying in bed. But still not enough to let me release. I don't know why I felt like this, it's break, shouldn't I be more relaxed? Or maybe it's because it is break that I feel like this... That I know there's not enough time. I live in a paradox. I need to have lots of work to do so that I don't think about these things, but these things make it so that I can't concentrate on work. I realized a couple of days ago that since I was a kid I've always liked being on the outside for some reason... I don't like it anymore. I used to climb high trees and get way up in the branches so I could watch other people and see what they did in their life. I still remember one time when I was up in one of the really tall trees in my yard that overlooked the road and two women were jogging by. I was singing to myself... I even think it was the song I'll Be by Edwin McCain. "I'll be, your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide. I'll be, better when I'm older, I'll be, the greatest, man in your life." I was like...10? 11? Anyways I was singing and they heard me and they stopped and looked up and said "Who's up there?" I stopped singing and stayed really still and tried to hide in the branches. I didn't want them to see me. But I've always liked that... being alone and looking back at other people and seeing how they live. I guess it's safer that way... you don't get hurt.

I'm sorry for leaving everyone. I just couldn't stay. I needed to be alone.