Miserable

I'm glad my roommate accidentally woke me up when he came back at 4:00am. I was having horrible dreams and was tossing and turning and just couldn't wake up. I had gone to sleep on top of my covers, not bothering to change because I was so miserable... I didn't think I'd remain this miserable. Even she's up at this hour... probably jet lag. Right before I went to sleep I had the thought of why I might be so miserable: I don't have any place safe to go home to anymore. HILC used to be that place, but I don't even feel comfortable here anymore. Don't even mention Colorado... I have nowhere to go. Nowhere that I don't have to worry about anything. I could sort of be like that over break when there was no one in HILC, but now that everyone is coming back I can't do it anymore. My dinner out with my friend yesterday meant me going to the dining hall by myself to avoid having to eat dinner with the large group... and her. Though all those sorority and fraternity people make me want to think twice about choosing to eat at Appel again this week. But that's besides the point. I just feel like I have nowhere I can be comfortable anymore. That's what my dreams are about. I'm trying to find a place where I can be peaceful and not have to think about all the things that are happening to me. But my friends keep "unintentionally" chasing me down by moving their conversations closer and closer to me and I get stuck in my room and then they finally come to my room. I desperately try to hide but I can't do anything by crouch behind the sofa (imaginary room) where they're talking... I just can't get away and it's so painful. My mind frantically searches and thinks for ways out, but it can't see any and I'm stuck in a room I don't want to be in. My face has a frown chiseled into its facade - when will it go away?