Falling back

Why is this happening again? I really didn't feel like going to 太鼓 yesterday even though I love it. I ended up playing only 5min even though I was there for 1.5hrs. It wasn't worth my time, I was afraid it would happen because they're performing on Thursday and I'm not in it. I've shown up to every practice, been one of the first ones there, one of the last to leave, made the meetings, but I've only performed once as a main attraction. I'm just doing sideshows, I never get to be on stage. I think I deserve more than that...

But that's besides the point. I wanted to cry yesterday again. I almost did, I felt the tears coming a couple of times; some in 太鼓 and some sitting outside, just sitting. I would give it all up if I could be truly happy - once more? for the first time? I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, and it sure feels that way right now. I am cursed, never meant to be...