sigh...

Everyone's upstairs having fun ... i'm downstairs... I'm just not comfortable around alcohol...they tell me to come up and just hang out...but I can't get myself to do that. I even walked up just now, held my hand as if about to knock on the door...but then turned around and came back down. As much as I want to be hanging out with friends I can't make myself go into that room when they're drinking.... Part of it, I guess, is I feel uncomfortable around alcohol. I probably got that from living with my parents: my mom doesn't drink at all and my dad drinks too much. I don't want to be like my dad....I'd prefer not to drink. Part of it is that I'm a goody-goody...I'm still not 21. My parents did such a good job that I have this big mental block in my mind that tells me that I shouldn't drink before I'm 21 (even though there are plenty of places in the world where I'd be able to drink). The last bit...I don't want to see my friends not at their best....I'm always afraid that someone may drink too much and then do or say things that they regret later...I don't want to see them like that...I wish I could be there to help them...but I'd still be really hurt to see them losing theirselves like that... I'd be hurt for them...if they could only see how they were..... Now I'm not saying that they drink to that extent (though I think a couple of them have on occasion)...but....I just don't want to risk it....(On a side note...I think she has a boyfriend now.....and I think it's the guy I thought she might start going out with...as long as she's happy then I'm happy for her.) I just feel lonely now.....taking everything into account...

I think I'm changing...but not for the better....I talk too much.....I try to hard to be funny and come out really stupid.....I tease people more....I used to never tease people....I'm becoming annoying.....I'm becoming desperate....I don't want to be these things.....why am I turning?

Lukas just said that the girl I think I'm starting to like was 'amazingly drunk' upstairs.....that's what I'm afraid of...I don't want people to hurt themselves...physically or emotionally....(or whatever you would call that type of pain....). I with I could do something for her....I hope she's ok......::sigh:: And I think there are possibly two things....one of my friends likes her (can u say another Han situation?....I want to avoid that again.....) or she likes the guy who I'm thinking of.....or both.....either way.....I don't think she notices me beyond friend....::sigh::...I just hope she's doing alright tonight....