So close, but so far

She says she needs time, and I understand and will give her all the time she needs, which is why I didn't give her a deadline when she asked for one, but I am also confused. I know that there is something else that I am not aware of that is making this harder for her... perhaps something in the past even though she says otherwise? (She was worried about not living up to my "standards." But, do standards really matter that much? If your heart carries you to someone why deny that feeling simply because of a small deviation from the "ideal"? In the end, it's the heart that matters, not the mind. The mind can be changed more easily than the heart - we can fool our minds with excuses and reasons, but not our hearts.) I am confused because if there was a continuum like this:

enemy-<-------friend-------X>-bf/gf

then we are where that x is - right before that division. In our actions, what we say to each other - in our thoughts - they all seem to push us further right. I ask her why she came down Wednesday night, why she came down last night without even telling me (and as a result, we passed by each other on the trains as I went to her place without telling her), and she says "I just wanted to see you." But why? Why does she just want to see me? I'm so happy that she wants to see me, and that miraculously Kikuna is no longer "too far". But I just can't shake this feeling that, even if she still feels in her mind unsure about what to do, her heart is sure, and it keeps pushing her back towards me. Even after getting angry at me two weeks ago and saying she didn't want to talk to me for a long long time, she tried to talk to me because it was too painful not to. Her heart makes her say "I miss you." She misses me, and I miss her. One month face-to-face, one month apart, two months together but not, yet she still feels for me and wonders what to do. She said not having the title right now gives her some breathing room. For her mind or heart? I'm reminded now of what Darlena said to me when I was debating about getting into a relationship with her in the first place, "Just do what feels good." I'm sure this cliche phrase can be pulled out of a Disney movie or something - follow your heart. Our minds get in the way sometimes. Of course, it's her mind and her heart. I understand and will wait, but I am also confused.

When I was first trying to fall asleep, it was a weird sensation of things spinning even though my eyes were shut. It was the lingering feeling of her back against my arm, her waist against my hands - so tantalizing close - but still nothing to fill the emptiness in my chest, which has yet to embrace her. Just to pull her close and hold her tightly. To look her in the eyes and to see the way she looks back at me and know that, yes, we will create a future with each other. A wonderful, long future.