花見

I went up to 東中野 today to meet some friends that Tingting introduced to me last week. I ended up not seeing them - they were too busy. I instead was passed off to another guy who was very kind and nice to talk with, though at times I did feel like he was trying a bit to hard to explain the tenets of Christianity to me by explaining the four fundamental "laws of Christianity" that Bill Bright wrote at one point in his life - he's an evangelist who promotes evangelism by the way. That was a bit uncomfortable... Anyways, I had fun: I enjoyed talking to people, writing a haiku, eating 団子 etc. But despite that, I didn't feel... satisfied. Personally, emotionally, satisfied. I had long hoped that Tingting and I could walk together under the cherry blossoms. When we were together I had imagined we'd hold hands and just watch the petals flutter in the wind. I'd probably take lots of pictures of her with the flowers all around. After things ended, I still wanted to walk with her under the blossoms. It would be different, but it's still very much an experience I wanted to share with her. And now... I don't think I'll get that chance. She was busy and still wants time apart. The blossoms will fall soon, and I don't think she'll want to see me before then. Even though I've been trying not to consciously think about her, it's as if she's always there in my mind, that her presence in my mind is just felt even if not focused on. As if you know there is someone standing behind you even though you don't see them. When I do let myself to think about her - everything about her - I get a shortening of breath. Our lives are so perfectly aligned except for one little bit - a year or two out of decades to come. I really miss her. I miss her so much.