Lovestruck by lightning

It feels and looks beautiful, yet hurts at the same time.

In Japan I learned to appreciate the little things in life. To take that extra moment to gaze at the sunset, to look at the people around you, to feel the texture of the tree bark - to spend time truly absorbing what I experience in my everyday life. To pause, as the Archie put it, to take that extra moment to see - that's what life is about.

But even so, I believe that it is hard to appreciate these little things without one thing that is necessary in everyone's life. And as the song so says: everybody needs somebody to love. Without that, there is forever a tangible emptiness inside each person. A part of you, a place that is not necessarily for receiving, but rather for giving. When bottled up it turns rotten, decaying the person it is held within. But when it is released, it suddenly flourishes and grows, becoming something far more than it was in the womb called ourself. At the same time, having somebody to love doesn't just mean having someone you care about...you have to be able to express your love to that person. Otherwise your feelings will decay and you would be eaten away from the inside. But the problem is that this means the person would have to be receptive to your feelings...which if you're lucky enough means you won't have a problem with any of this. But if not... I've learned that the small things are great to appreciate in life, but that the prerequisite to truly appreciate them is love. Without love your mind is preoccupied, you wish you could show the person you care about these small things you see and notice. But they don't have the same effect on you as they would if you had love. Because when you have love you'd be willing to give up these amazing things of life for that one person, because that one person means more to you than all of this. That's the difference...and the paradox. With love you can truly appreciate the significance of the small things of life. But without love your mind is too preoccupied with what it would be like with love that you cannot comprehend its significance. But at the same time with love you'd be willing to give up those small things because you know that you will always have that person to turn to, to love and care about. That, when you have that person, everything else comes off as so trivial. But without love, without love you can't give up the small things, because they are the only thing that remind you how beautiful the world is, even if it is painful in one way or another...

I just don't know what to do anymore... My time is so short, I just can't show her how I feel, I'm afriad I'll never have the chance... That my feelings will decay and die inside of me, bringing me down with it... I'm so close to her... yet it feels so far away. am I destined to forever be lonely? Am I destined to sacrifice myself so that I can make others happy and never truly find my own happiness? I know where I'd find my happiness...in love. I have none of it anywhere else in my life. But I always end up finding love that is never reciprocated...or love that is short lasted.... when will that change? Soon? With her? I don't know what else there is anymore.