It's that time of year again. People are planning where they'll be living off campus next year. Choosing what friends to live with, where they'll stay, how fun it will be to cook together, hang out together, study together, eat together, be able to live by themselves and with people they love hanging out with. Sounds like so much fun - and I bet it is... I'm just excluded from it all. It's not their fault that I don't know if I'll be at Cornell next year. And even though I'm not involved with the choosing of houses, it still feels like I've been completely forgotten... That they're only thinking of how much fun it will be next year with each other - but not with those people who aren't there. Will they remember me when I leave - if I leave? Or will they say, "Yeah he was a good guy that lived in the same building as us." Will they say even that? It's so sad to once again not be included in any planning on having fun the next year with friends... Anything that has to do with timing in my life is always horribly, horribly wrong. Same thing happened last year to me... What if I stay at Cornell? Would they have time to see me because I'm not living with them? What type of friend do they consider me as? I know at first they looked at me as the "scary" upperclassman, but now? Am I still only a friendly mentor? Am I the guy who likes to think he's their friend, but is too busy to hang out enough to truly be a friend? I wish I could live with them next year and share in their memories. There's so much I've missed out on in college life. I wish I could do it over again. I wish timing could be better for me...

On a happier note, two of my friends got engaged last week. I was fairly shocked. It's something I could've seen happening in the future, but not so soon. Congratulations you guys. One of my other friends (who was probably the first to know) is super excited and has already started "planning" the wedding. If you knew her personality you'd completely understand, lol (the type that goes into stores to try on wedding dresses for the heck of it :p). I'm really happy for my friends, they've found someone they care about enough to commit so strongly to the long-term. They're not planning on getting married for a couple of years (grad school and such), but they're willing to commit, which is a huge task. I have major respect for them for that. They join the 70% of Cornell couples who pull through it all and go on to marry each other.

I have always hoped I'd find someone here that I would create such a strong bond with. But my time has run out, and my plans are so uncertain for the future that I don't think anyone would want to make any sort of short-term commitment...and not that I'd want just a short term commitment. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find someone once I leave undergrad... I'm not sociable enough to meet someone outside of school. I don't think I could make myself do the "testing the waters" thing with dating... it sort of comes off as strange to me (I always thought that if you were dating someone that meant you were gf/bf). And because of that I can't just approach a stranger. That's why I always try to get to know someone better by becoming a friend, to see who they truly are. People dating are always trying to impress (or in some cases, deter) the other, it's not a true representation of who they are - only what they want the other person to see them as. I guess I'm just old fashioned...and behind the times...my loss.

I wonder if my friends realize how much I care for them. How much they mean to me. Somehow I don't imagine they do... They say I'm too nice... only to people who I care about (and even so I don't think you can be "too nice"). They say (well some say) I'm too busy to have a relationship...but they don't know how hard I try to give my time to those that I care about - especially those who I have stronger feelings for beyond friendship. I'm going to miss them all so much when I leave (if I leave...), but I'd still make every effort I could to come visit them. Would they try to visit me? I hope they do... I care for you all so much. I care for you so much.