Chasing Cars

Again, I felt like doing nothing at all today....I couldn't concentrate on anything, all I could do is sit and listen to music and stare off into space. I couldn't even put my head on my desk because I wrenched my back last night (ouch). I've realized that there's a connection with when I feel like this - it's whenever I run into a large wall related to her. Actually, I'm 99% sure that if I look back at other times I've felt like this I'll see that it always happened when I hit a wall related to someone who I really cared about it. It definitely happened to the nth-degree when Duck and I separated (for a whole week...). I guess this shows how much my life is built up around the people I care about. And in particular, that one person I care about even more. It's probably wrong for my life to be structured like this, but I guess that's just who I am, that's my personality. Like the surveys say - I'm an idealist and a romantic - a tough combination to live with. Although, I have learned how to curb my expressed romanticism some for the sake of making the other person more comfortable (but it doesn't mean I don't think about things like that). It definitely comes out in my dreams though.

A few days ago I had a completely strange dream:

Me: i can remember bits and pieces, but i remember at one point we were talking and then suddenly laura and george started placing their fingers together and finally held hands
Me: and laura was really really happy
Me: oh wait, before that she had sort of sidled over to me and it felt like she was going to grab my hand, but then the above
Me: i looked at george like "oh when did this happen?" and i can't remember what he did, but it was something she wasn't happy with because she suddenly said something like "well there are still guys who are ____ in this world" (something like chivalrous, but not really) and came to me and grabbed my hand and george looked mad.... (why do my dreams always make a bad impression of george :( :( :()
Me: we started walking back (we were on central i guess? somewhere by day hall i think...) and then i ended upgoing through goldwin smith "like i usually do"...except gs wasn't gs...it was like a passage way through this tunnel/cave and there were two sides separted by a wall and u could either swim underneath the wall in the water, or u can go through a door (a door!??)
Me: and when we went down it was strangely cold, so we decided not to swim and went through the door ( i guess i usually swam??) and the otherside was like a pretty view of an ocean and beach, and it looked warm, but it was still cold. and usually you climb down rocks to get to the beach (which is the other side of goldwin smith - like where you'd exit) but there was too much water from the cold (ice?) melting...so you couldn't get down
Me: so we had to go back
Me: and then random skipping [in the dream], i was walking my dog (or at least it looked like my dog), on central by uris, but there was like a small stadium thingy next to it and there were people going to a funeral there (i'm thinking this came about because i read about steve irwin's final farewell today)
Me: and i grabbed my dog to make sure she didn't make any ruckus, but when i got close they were having a solemn exhibition of american football in honor of the person who died...and they sort of just asked me to join, it was like 4 people and the guy on my team was really
Me: and i was reluctant because "she would get mad if i get dirty" or something weird like that
Me: but the big g uy was like "it'll be ok, this is for an important reason", and so i 'played'...this like walking game of football....
Me: and the 'field' was really muddy.
Me: and then i got my dog and left...and woke up (or can't remember more)

Overall, I felt happy when I woke up. It was strange, but happy. But I don't know why I dream like this...it's the second dream I've had in which George was evil-ish. He's anything but. I'm sorry thinking like that, George. A day or two before that I had a much shorter and simpler dream. I was in the kitchen with her cooking dinner or something. And we were staning next to each other facing the sink working on washing the dishes or cooking (like there was a second burner where the sink was or something). But we were just standing close together concentrating on cooking. And she just slowly leaned and rested her head against my shoudler. And the strange thing was, I didn't see this from the first person view, but I saw this from behind. I saw myself and her standing there, and her put her head against me. That was it, that was my dream. I wish a dream like that, one that's realistic, could come true.

I screwed up last night. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked at the intl dinner. She really was amazing... I told her later that she was very beautiful... it didn't go over well. She was very awkward about it...not what I had hoped. I had hoped that I'd be able to compliment her. She deserved to be complimented, especially if no one had done so already - whether it would've been Oreo or George. She said that she almost didn't wear the dress because she didn't want to stand out. What she doesn't understand is that no matter what, she always stands out. I know for a fact I'm not the only person who thinks that - I can name two more for sure. She will always stand out, she's that amazing - especially to me.