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I've been sitting here since I last posted thinking about how I feel...the times I had with her, what she used to say to me that cheered me up...read an email that was my favorite email......All of it....gone...meaningless......there's nothing left.....I can't help but feel like I was.....betrayed?...That's too strong....let down?....I gave her everything I had..........I even didn't apply for study abroad.....(not that I'd be able to go now anyways considering the financial situation, but at the time it was still feasible).....I would stay up late to keep her company online as she finished work.....I'd walk down to meet her only for a short time only to walk back up....I thought I had started moving past her.....but it's times like these that I realize I'll never really move past.....she'll always be there......and I'm afraid to try and move past....what if something happens and I get a second chance? I don't want to hurt anyone else......it's better off for me to do nothing.....but it hurts being alone.....I have friends, but I can't care for them in the same way.........I hate being alone......but I don't want to actively search for someone....if I do that it will be artificial....it won't be natural. She and I came together in the most natural way possible..........and ended abruptly....::sigH::...I don't know what to do.....Something....something hurts. I sit here and think of the past....and from time to time I feel like crying....I feel the tears wanting to come up and out, but they recede a moment later.....why am I so affected like this......why me? I hate being alone......but.....I want to be alone.......I don't want to hurt anyone.......I don't want to be hurt.........but I know that is all a part of it......but look what happened to me the last time.........................Can I honestly care for someone else as much as I did for her again? Will my feelings always be tainted? Can I ever be honest to myself about how I truly feel about someone else? Will I blow it out of proportion...will I hide it? Will I deny it exists at all? Will I ignore it? What do I do..................why me? Why me? Never be lonely....