Catching up

I came back from Asia Night early today, disappointed that I couldn't stay and spend time with Laura and everyone else (and yes I do mean and everyone else), because I had to do research. When I was outside RPCC a mixed couple came out (guy caucasian, girl asian)...Don't ask me why, but I've tended to notice mixed couples more these days. Maybe because I see myself in them? I've always wondered what I looked like or what people thought of me when I had an asian girlfriend. Did people automatically assume I was a victim of "yellow fever"? Which I'm not). Did they just see another couple? (Hopefully another happy one...at the time). Anyways, the point of this is not that they were a mixed couple. But when they were coming out the guy said something and the girl laughed and smiled and sort of tugged his hand a little. The guy smiled momentarily, but then a split second later his face looked emotionless...or perhaps, more so to the extreme - sad. I didn't understand it at all. It wasn't even as if his smile faded into a stern expression, it seemed so sudden. A sudden and immediate jump from happy to sad (or whichever emotion/lack of emotion it was). Why would he feel that way to change expressions so quickly? The girl was still smiling and giddy as they walked by. Was everything ok between them? Did he have something on his mind? Do I change my expressions so quickly? Is it something natural? Does it show how he (or I) truly feel? But nevertheless, it was good seeing a happy couple (and stepping back a topic) - a happy mixed couple (perhaps reminding me of happier times?).

On Thursday I woke up and didn't have time to sit and think and write, but I jotted this down really quickly in notepad before I went to school so I'd at least have some record of my thoughts:

feel lonely, lost, like i had lost my last chance in this world to
attain happiness. I missed her so much, i was confused, restless - I
slept VERY restlessly. i didn't know what to do. i don't want to feel
that way if something happens. i kept telling myself (in my dream) that
i was happy for her because she was happy, but the pain sunk in still.
why did i react that way? is this one of my premonitions? i hope not..
i really hope not. i don't want to feel that way...

This was in reference to a dream I had the night before. I can't remember specifics anymore, but it had to do with Laura being with someone else, but not George. I don't know what to think...do you? I can pass it off and say "it's a result from all this stress I'm under". Which, it could be - like I said I tend to channel stress into sadness - but I don't think that's everything, not even a majority. Or perhaps I just don't want to make such a claim. I don't know.....All I know is that I care about her a lot and I wish there was more I could do for her to make her happy. I guess the fact that she doesn't notice me outside of friendship makes it more difficult....but I mean that's bound to happen. Why do I always have so much more trouble dealing with things like this than most guys? Am I too idealist and romantic? (Which I know I definitely can be at times). Am I overly sensitive? (Which, I'm a very sensitive person, but I don't get jealous...). But then again, I don't think I was feeling jealousy in my dream. My feelings weren't directed outward at anybody, but rather inward. I didn't consider the actions of others, I just considered the current state and where my position in it was. Does that constitute jealousy? I don't know. All I know is that I care for her, and that's what counts.

I had a fortune cookie today: "Your dearest dream will come true." Will it really? I can always hope and wish upon a star...(and yes, I do that).

"Alone tonight, just like the western star I'm sinking. The angels cursed me blind with straight and crooked thinking."