If I could tell her how I feel I'd say:

You're beautiful - everything about you is beautiful. Your long black hair, your amber eyes, your dimpled smile, your slender hands, your elegance, your laugh, your antics - everything. I love how your hair waves and flows naturally and rests on your shoulder - especially after you pull it back around year ear and brush your hand through it. I love the little strands that escape from behind your ear and dangle in front of your face - they make me wonder what lies beneath and gives you a sense of mystery. When you smile, even when you only partially smile - two little dimples form at the corners of your mouth. Just two, small, round dimples. I love those dimples. Your eyes are so serene when you're in thought, yet will just as easily flow between determination and playfulness. You're so elegant. When you kneel to pick up a dropped piece of paper, your posture as you study, when you run, when you cover your mouth when you laugh. You truly live up to your name. The day I learned what your name meant I immediately thought to myself how perfect of a name it was. You've inspired me to try and be better mannered and more elegant, you truly are a model of elegance. When I see you or am around you I feel different inside. My heart beats faster, I become short of breath, I notice little things that you do that just make me like you more. My feelings for you came on suddenly - I didn't expect them. But they've slowly grown and everyday I find something else that amazes me about you. I tell myself that you're amazing. I know I'm lucky just to have met you and become your friend. But I just couldn't keep it inside anymore, I had to let you know how I feel. I'm sorry for ruining this, I just couldn't contain myself anymore, I lost control. But I want you to know that I'm only telling you this, not expecting anything else to happen - you've already done more than enough in listening to me. But I had to let you know, and I'm sorry. And everything I've said about you - don't ever let anyone tell you or let yourself think otherwise. Because what I said is all true and not just passions of the heart.

And then I'd walk away...and let her talk to me when she felt comfortable again. I originally wrote that as the "unrestrained version" just to get my feelings out right now...but...but I think that if I ever did say anything to her it would be the above because I wouldn't be able to hold back my feelings - I don't want to lie to her when I'm attempting to tell her how I feel. I wouldn't be true to myself or to her. I know that something like this would surely damage our friendship...so I'll never do it. But a friend asked if I planned to tell her, and if not that my job was done that I couldn't worry about what more I could do because there was nothing else. Even just looking at pictures of her my heart beats faster and I get short of breath. She is so beautiful and amazing. George is such a lucky guy....though maybe the other guy in HK is such a lucky guy too....one of them will be. And I have to be honest and say that I will probably be a little jealous....I mean who wouldn't be at first when she's such an amazing (I really can't stress this enough) girl. I guess what hurts the most is that she is probably deciding between two guys and she doesn't even know that I care for her at all. I would assume she knows that George cares for her...I have no idea about the other guy. I feel like she's on the tallest pedastal while George and the other guy are on two slightly less tall pedastals of equal height. But I'm stuck way down below, not even full size but miniature, waving about and jumping trying to grab her attention to no avail. "Hey look down here! Look at me! Do you see me? At all?" She doesn't notice me. I guess that's what hurts. Maybe if she noticed that I liked her and at least acknowledged it in someway...even if its negative...I guess it could be better.... or would it? But that she doesn't notice at all....is hard. I don't know what to do to make her notice. I don't want to do anything that stands out either - which is why I guess she doesn't notice. I'm still thinking of lyrics for my song, nothing sounds too good...but I'm trying. If I ever did finish it and learned how to play guitar or paino with it, I might have the guts to sing it to her....but not out of the blue and randomly of course. I guess there would have to be something there that had potential to nurture and grow. I don't know.... Can you miss what was never lost? I've thought of scenes in my mind where she rests her head against George's shoulder...I can imagine how she'd look - so peaceful, she look as if she felt safe, as if she was right where she wanted to be. She looked so beautiful and serene. And for some reason the smell of morning dew hand soap makes me think of her.....

I really like her earrings. She doesn't wear earings that are too much, just a little dangly or studs. They fit her personality so well - playful but not overly so. She has a pair of earrings where one is a pretzel and the other is a french loaf. Shows the wacky and fun side of her personality - everything doesn't have to be symmetrical. Two days ago one of those strands of hair that attract me so was sort of split so that you could, from the side, see her eye through the different strands of hair. I just wanted to take a picture of that moment - beauty piercing through an obscuring screen. Another time she had her hair in a pony tail, but then in one movement took out her hair tie and brushed her hair to lay across her shoudler to one side. My heart skipped a beat there....I don't know why, but there's just something about her hair and how it seems to frame her face when it's by her shoudler. It's a natural portrait. She did it again tonight, though her hair was already loose. But she brushed her hand through her hair and it rested perfectly on her shoulder. I just can't stop thinking about how amazing she is.....and how lucky I am to have met her. But then I can't help thinking at the same time how I'm not enough for her. I wish I were more.

Some people say love and relationships don't make someone's life or fix problems. I agree - for the most part. I have lived a life where I've hardly felt loved by anyone. I've never had constants in my life...I move away from friends, I'm in the outskirt of friend circles, friends leave...The first relationship I was in I was at peace...I had a constant, and I was happy. Things fell apart when college started....there was no more constant. My second relationship was constant only at the beginning. But I felt that I wasn't enough - which in the end I wasn't - and so I was constantly worried of losing her - and I did. I have no constant, I feel that I'm not loved, that I'm not appreciated. I try being the best person I can possibly be, but that's not enough - I'm not good socially because of alcohol or I'm too nice. It's not in my nature to be otherwise - I constantly strive to be the best person I can be, I don't want to take a step in the wrong direction. Though I always tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me, that I just want to be the best person I can be, I think I'm lying. I wouldn't feel this way if I did. I want to be the best person I can be - but I want her to see me, make me at least full size again. Maybe even a stool to stand on would be nice. Anything. But I can't make myself compromise who I am....I can't be "less nice". Is this my fate - to be everyone's friend - the guy who's too nice and weird and too sensitive and romantic and idealistic and who doesn't have his feet on the ground. The guy who follows his feelings and heart and lets his mind only regulate? Sometimes he'll even forget about his mind. I wish I could just spill out my feelings and my heart to everyone, let everyone know who I really am, that I'm not just the happy face, that there's so much more. I bet I could show this to most of my friends and they would have no idea that I wrote it if I didn't tell them beforehand.

::sigh:: If only my heart could be filled with... If I could only say how I feel without fear. If only she knew. If only what I imagine in my dreams was reality. If only I were good enough. Can you miss what was never lost? ::sigh:: I can't distance myself, I want to be around her, I want to enjoy my moments with her. I just have to learn to live with the pain - but it will take time. I don't want to give up hope, I don't want to resign, I don't want to face reality - but at some point I'll have to. But what's there to feel for if I can't hope?

Here I am baring my soul - do you see me now?